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Dreading telling my parents about separation

(20 Posts)
TickledOnion Mon 24-Feb-14 12:56:10

DH and I are in the process of separating. He had an affair and does not love me anymore. I am devastated but staying positive for our DDs (age 2 and 4). He has been sleeping at a friends for a week and is looking for somewhere to live.

I have to tell my parents tonight but am really dreading it. I love them both dearly and we have a good relationship. My DM has suffered with anxiety attacks over my 2 DBs. One DB has depression, struggles to hold down a job, has a rocky relationship with his GF. Other DB lives abroad, has MS, struggles to hold down a job, has a rocky relationship with his ex-GF with whom he has a son.

I was my DP's success story. Happy marriage with a lovely man, 2 DDs, great job. DPs came to live near us and are really good friends with DH's family. I am worried I will cause them more heartache which they don't deserve.

I have put this off for a few weeks in the hope that we could work things out. I need to do this tonight as I feel terribly guitly that I have been lying to them for the past 6 weeks.

babyboomersrock Mon 24-Feb-14 13:04:35

I am worried I will cause them more heartache which they don't deserve

And neither do you - this is your heartache, not theirs. I feel so sad for you, OP, that you are grieving the end of your relationship and having to worry about your parents' reaction.

I am probably older than your parents, with 4 adult children, and yes, we have worries/anxieties about one or more of them at times - but each of them is an individual with a unique life and it would be sad if any of them felt they couldn't confide in me in case their particular concern tipped their mother over the edge. Life is difficult - your parents are adults and must learn to cope.

I'm glad you have a good relationship with them - tell them how sad you are. Don't put on a brave face. Get them to support you, not the other way around. Take care.

TeaMakesItAllPossible Mon 24-Feb-14 13:04:57

I feel for you. It's a hard secret to keep. It will be fine though. I was in the same position. Be prepared for some emotion, maybe some denial, them wanting to fix it but ultimately they will be there for you.

My parents are even prouder of me today than they were before because I managed my family alone, still did a great job and my DC have been protected throughout. I did more than they thought I was capable of.

Whatever their reaction tonight, things will settle down and you will still be their amazing DD.

Good luck

Dahlen Mon 24-Feb-14 13:15:22

If you have a good relationship with your parents, you may find that they take it better than you could have hoped and will offer a lot of support.

Anticipation is always worse than the actual event IME.

I remember dreading telling my DF about my marriage breakdown (DM died long previously) as H and DF got along so well. After I told DF he was incredibly philosophical about it and said he'd long thought I could have done better anyway but had been making an effort with H for my sake all those years! He was very supportive in a gruff sort of way.

Like the PP above, you should remember that your parents are adults. It is not your responsibility to live your life to suit their agenda.

Good luck for the meeting and your future. flowers

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 24-Feb-14 13:24:55

When you tell them, it'll help if you appear to have some kind of plan and a coping strategy. That's not to say you bound in there beaming from ear to ear and faking cheery optimism but, if you come across as nothing but depressed and hopeless, they'll find that more stressful than if you say 'it's shit and I'm gutted but I think I'll be OK with your help'. I'm sure they'll react better than you think. Good luck

wispawoman Mon 24-Feb-14 17:05:57

They are your parents and they are adults. They will be sad for you but will be there to support you; that is what good parents do - always. They will be far more hurt if you don't ask for their help if you need it. Please don't add to your unhappiness by worrying about theirs!

Footle Mon 24-Feb-14 17:15:43

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 24-Feb-14 17:15:58

I am worried I will cause them more heartache which they don't deserve.

It is such a shame but you aren't the cause of this, they will be sad for you, not about you telling them. Delaying telling them was out of love for them and trying to spare them sorrow if things could have turned out differently but you and your DH are living your own lives and sadly he had other ideas.

RollerCola Mon 24-Feb-14 17:30:09

I was really dreading my parents too when my marriage broke down last year. I felt like I'd let them down. My mum in particular can be very judgemental.

They couldn't have been any more understanding, loving and kind. They were upset but it was only because I was upset. The one thing my mum said which will stick in my mind forever - 'everything is fixable'

Try not to worry. Take a deep breath and tell them as bravely as you can. Hope it goes ok, thinking of you.

shthappens Mon 24-Feb-14 17:31:42

Please remember, they are your parents, and you are their daughter - which means that their love for you is (I imagine), completely unconditional, and your happiness and wellbeing is their priority. It was so hard telling my parents - they were one of the only ones of their friends whose children had (so they thought), a happy marriage so I was also anxious to tell them and shatter that illusion.

They have been amazing and so supportive, as I'm sure yours will be. Good luck. x

mammadiggingdeep Mon 24-Feb-14 17:54:17

Honestly- I felt the same. My parents have been married for 45 years, no divorces in my family at all.

They were brilliant. You can still be their success story- in fact you will be by surviving it. My parents were very proud with how I dealt with it and how I'm raising my dc.

Good luck x

mammadiggingdeep Mon 24-Feb-14 17:55:14

Ps- the relief you feel when they know will be immense. You need their support...the sooner you tell them the better IMO

Minime85 Mon 24-Feb-14 18:04:29

I hope it goes ok. I know where you are coming from. I was worried they would be disappointed in me when I had to tell my dps. they have been my tower of strength and have gone through similar emotions to me as they have lost something too. they were very upset and have also been very annoyed, all at stbexh though.

do hope it goes well for you and agree with another op you will feel so relieved to be telling the truth. thanks

TickledOnion Mon 24-Feb-14 21:08:09

Thanks everyone. It was fine. I gave myself a pep talk on the way and managed not to break down. My dad was away on business, but I told my mum. She is very pragmatic and is a fixer rather than a sympathiser, but she was brilliant. We had a good long talk and I feel a hundred times better.

eyebrowsfurrowed Mon 24-Feb-14 21:21:09

mammas right on the money

eyebrowsfurrowed Mon 24-Feb-14 21:22:19

Oh sorry - you've already told your Mum. I'm glad it all went alright for you. Make sure you accept all the support they offer you smile

SadFreak Tue 25-Feb-14 00:34:34

I am so glad that you managed to do it tonight and that it wasnt as bad as you envisaged.

Its funny isnt it that even as adults and parents ourselves we worry about what our parents will think.

I am in the middle of marriage break up and only told one person in RL at the moment. I seem to have real issues with admitting it to people. I am off to stay at my parents for a few days tomorrow and toying with the idea of telling them but will probably back down and bottle out.

mammadiggingdeep Tue 25-Feb-14 08:32:31

Glad it went well op....another two people on 'your team' now.

Sad freak- honestly, just bite the bullet. Telling people makes it real and you need the support


DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 25-Feb-14 09:32:42

Glad your DM was helpful, OP.

Good luck too SadFreak. Whatever the circumstances, keeping this all to yourself (bar one good friend) is going to be doubling your stress. Sometimes when we stand on what looks like a precipice, we're actually wearing a parachute.

Minime85 Tue 25-Feb-14 20:10:43

so glad it went well Op. a huge hurdle over. sadfreak I agree with others that telling people helps. tell people you trust. I found it horrendous to start with just like u say. I only told immediate family, two very close friends and 2 immediate work colleagues.

there were then a handful of other people I wanted to tell myself. for some of these I texted. I know that's not ideal but I wasn't going to see them any time soon so it needed to be like that and I did apologise. I remember shaking typing the text and feeling sick.

this was all in October/November. I then found after Christmas it was much easier and now it just comes out that we are separated. usually followed by he is a wanker (if not out loud every time, definitely in my head).

good luck all its a bloody tough process.

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