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Like our friendship never existed!

(17 Posts)
Hedgehead Mon 24-Feb-14 10:18:33

My best friend from university, was - up until two years ago - the closest person to me. We lived together for 3 years at uni, then again afterwards and we told each other everything.

She met a man and very quickly got engaged (almost overnight) and from that moment she just stopped calling me or speaking to me in the same way. She was civil and friendly to me when we met, but nothing more. She didn't return emails or texts I sent her and started reframing our friendship, to her future husband and everyone around us, as acquaintances.

It has heartbroken me over the last few years. When I did confront her about it (the end in a chain of emails with me asking her if she wanted to meet and her saying it was not possible) she replied with a list, backdated several months before she got engaged, of times where she perceived I was not able to do things with her. It was like this:

Monday 6th - Hedgehead too busy with work to seem me
Tuesday 7th - Hedgehead seeing X friend
Wednesday 8th - Saw Hedgehead for 1 hour oh her lunchbreak before she had to leave to go back to work

It was a very cruel list and completely irrelevant, making me out to be the bad guy - it was like she was using the constraints of my life as an excuse to end our friendship.

These days we meet when mutual friends of ours from university have weddings, christenings, parties etc. Some of our mutual friends from university are baffled that we are no longer friends as they remember us being as thick as thieves. They often invite us along to things together and are surprised to see that we do not talk.

We often say hello but have no further conversation. I was at a dinner party the other day where she was recalling an anecdote from university. I knew the story she was telling because I was also THERE, but she seemed to have completely forgotten this. I chimed in, in support when she said something and said "oh yes, that was really funny" and she looked at me like I was insane. She did not recall me with the memory!

She has wiped me from her mind and I am so utterly confused! My DH says don't pursue it, 'stuff her,' but every day I think about it. I don't text or call her anymore (she has made it clear she doesn't want that and if I have in the past, she hasn't replied) but I just wonder if somewhere along the line she got the wrong impression?

Ages ago, back when she had a housewarming party after the engagement, another very close friend of hers got drunk, pulled me into a side room and started shouting about my friend's husband and what a dick she thought he was. I was on the listening end and making no comment as I knew we were in their house. HE (my friend's H) opened the door and stared at both of us, because I assume he had heard.

What's ironic though is that this other friend (the one shouting about him) is now closer to them than ever, and I am cast aside. I wonder, did they think it was me shouting? And has this other friend happily landed me with this lie?

What do you think I should do?

fuzzywuzzy Mon 24-Feb-14 10:25:10

I think you should let this go.

There's certinaly something going on but leave her to it, you cnat make ehr speak to you. and the more you pursue it the worse you look.

For your own sake step back.

I reckon her husband and your drunk friend who was insulting him may have together painted you in a bad lgiht, but your friend was ready to believe it.

WhateverTrevor83 Mon 24-Feb-14 10:44:53

Hi, A similar thing happened to me a few years ago.

Someone who had been a very close friend stopped communication and I asked several times why and assumed I had done or said something to offend.

I never found out the reason. And after a while realised that she had no manners and was immature and rude not to clear things up and give me a chance to understand.

You're well rid! x

GilmoursPillow Mon 24-Feb-14 10:53:27

If you think this friend's ranting is the reason behind your friend cutting you off, personally - and i'm certainly not suggesting you should do this - I would want to clear the air. I would be tempted to email and say "...I believe this may be due to unkind words said by Xxx which was overheard by your DH. I would like you to know that I did not agree with what he said, nor join in his rant."

And then leave it. I would want to get my point across but I wouldn't consider this friendship worth pursuing.

WhateverTrevor83 Mon 24-Feb-14 10:58:15

Or just pull her up next time you're in the same place.
She is acting like a child!

Hedgehead Mon 24-Feb-14 11:21:50

I have fantasies that I just tell her straight how insane she's being. That even if she doesn't want to be friends anymore, she cannot deny ten years of friendship and act like I wasn't even there for ten years! That we have to see each other because we have so many (SO MANY) mutual friends who will always invite both of us along to events.

I think I'll look stupid if I try and bring up that situation with the other friend, as it was almost three years ago now and it also looks like I am witch hunting.

VelmaD Mon 24-Feb-14 11:28:17

As crushing as it is, walk away. Friendships end for whatever reason, and often perception on the other end is different.

For instance I had a very close friend. Years of friendship. They were friends with both my ex and I, even through the divorce.

Then I moved a mile up the road, and my ex husband and girlfriend moved in over the road to them.

Now I dont hear from her for weeks. She doesn't even interact with my on fb.

Her argument is that I got a boyfriend (who they have nothing in common with) and I've changed since moving.

Where really its laziness, and bitchiness (she is also a stepmother and has now found someone to bitch alongside with my exs partner) and just growing apart.

It still cuts a bit, but its getting easier a few months on. Its mad how quickly you can be forgotten and replaced though isn't it?

Id stop trying, try and put it down to an ex, like an ex boyfriend, you grew apart, there's nothing more to be said for the friendship.

ASmidgeofMidge Mon 24-Feb-14 11:38:40

I think I would try and look at it this way : even if you manage to identify and resolve whatever it is that's caused her to behave this way, and to get the friendship back on track, it's likely that you'll always feel 'on eggshells' around her, wondering if something you've said/done will offend and prompt more of the same behaviour. Tbh I wouldn't want a friend who froze me out rather than discussing upsets in a mature way. Agree with PP - difficult as it is, I'd try to move on.

FunkyBoldRibena Mon 24-Feb-14 11:43:18

She either really doesn't want to be friends, or her partner has alienated you for a reason.

You decide.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 24-Feb-14 11:44:54

Growing up and finding other influences especially long term partners really affects some friendships. As people often recount with exes, there is sometimes a re-writing of history. If you have mutual friends you know that there is only so much of this she will get away with. My advice would be, handle her with kid gloves from now on. Be yourself, don't try and make people take sides. Unless asked, don't broadcast this and if you do talk about it, just say you're sad you're no longer close, and don't know why.

It is hurtful and upsetting when someone so close can apparently switch off but at some point you just have to let her go.

Ginnytonic82 Mon 24-Feb-14 15:49:19

I had something similar, my best friend, who also lived with me for a few years just stopped talking to me out of the blue. The last time I saw her was when she was bridesmaid at my wedding almost 2 years ago, where she was lovely to me, kissed me good bye etc. I was so confused, I was convinced something had happened to her! Afterward I found out she had been very rude to my fil and some of our friends. I too have fantasies of confronting her, despite her behaviour it's been painful to loose what was a close friendship. I wrote out a letter but didn't post it. I found it very cathartic. I think your Dh is right, cut your loses, she isn't a friend. The list she sent you is petty and has no bearing on you, it's pretty obvious she thinks you should be at her beck and call!

HelenHen Mon 24-Feb-14 16:12:25

This is horrible and unfortunately theres not much you can do. My best friend about ten years ago just stopped answering my calls and texts and never contacted me again. I bumped into her about a year later and she was all delighted to see me and gave me a massive hug and said there was loads going on but by that point I didn't card to find out. This was also after she got into a relationship. If I was being a bollix I'd like to know but absolutely nothing happened in the run up to it. I was hurt for a long time over that sad

AngelaDaviesHair Mon 24-Feb-14 17:43:14

Or perhaps, the level of intimacy you had as friends, telling each other everything, was uncomfortable for her once she had another primary relationship in her life.

And people do sometimes resent you if they've confided in you a lot-you know who they have been over the years, you know where the bodies are buried, they aren't free to reinvent themselves.

I once dropped everything to counsel a friend who needed a termination. She cut me off from that day on. I realised she had truly opened up to me, been vulnerable, and I knew a big secret of hers. She could not stand it, and possibly saw it as me having power over her (I didn't).

Whatever it is, cut her dead, she's a cow. That list of your faults speaks volumes, none of it good.

nerofiend Mon 24-Feb-14 18:53:47

My personal experience tells me that usually friendship ends when there's an element of jealousy or envy on the one hand, made worse by it by third parties interfering, gossiping or spreading rumours.

OP, can you think of something your friend could be jealous of? Have you got a good job, a house, a nicer partner than her? Or maybe your approach to life?

When it comes to female friendships and relationships, jealousy plays a very important part why they want to distance themselves. They will rarely accept it or acknowledge it but it could be a combination of that plus the other friend stirring things up.

Iwanttobeblondebutiamnot Tue 25-Feb-14 10:21:53

I had a similar situation with my sister when she was with her man.
after they broke up I suddenly saw her more again, it's no excuse I know but that's how it goes I think.

something2say Tue 25-Feb-14 12:34:11

I think people grow and change...the friends I had at twenty would no way be right for me now.....I like dancing a music....I don't drink much, hate boring dinner parties and have no kids. This list will set me apart from many women I grew up with who don't care about music or gigs and I don't care about what they like to do.

I think people grow apart and it is actually for us to have less intense but probably more friends, but less close to them. It is good to have two or three you can really talk to tho.

Let the people go. Leaves space for new x

annielouisa Tue 25-Feb-14 13:11:55

I wonder if this all stems back to the drunken friend ranting about her DH? The drunken friend may have apologised and excused themselves because of the drink. If you were not drunk and did not defend the man in anyway its easy to see they both may feel you believe the overheard drunken ramblings.

I think your friend has chosen her DH over you. I try to walk away from gossips and backstabbers as quiet listening can be seen as agreement. I may say I do not agree but then I just absent myself.

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