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Should we call it quits?

(14 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

Hatfield Mon 24-Feb-14 03:20:29

I've only been married over a year and I had my little girl 8 months ago and Although I took to motherhood naturally, my marriage is in crisis. I returned to work when she was just 6 weeks and I've even managed to wrangle an opportunity to step up the ladder in my career but my husband has worked against me. My day basically consisted of up feed baby get ready for work, express at tea break (which has just recently stopped) home to feed baby at lunch, back to work till 5 pick her up spend some quality time before the bath dinner routine. She's not sleeping great so my husband has to entertain her so I can have a few hours to do work before I can hit the sack with the baby. It often takes longer because he gets frustrated with her and I have to step in. It sounds exhausting and most people recognise my efforts except for my husband.
Since baby was born we have argued constantly. I know it's down to the fact we have no quality time together but there is always so much to do. To begin with he wasn't doing much to lighten my load at home. Now that he is I am still finding other things to be resentful about.

My husband is so moody and moany that I've feel drained this go don't want to spend time with him. He moans or mumbles under his breath whenever I ask him to do something, hand me something or even watch the baby. His language is always extreme.
He has been very negative about our baby which really has upset such as, he was too selfish to have a child, Christ when will she grow up, all she does is grissle and never again- this annoys me more because I am cherishing ever little moment because she's changing so fast- he just doesn't appreciate how wonderful she is!

Money is a big issue too-We live in a 1 bed flat and it's mine and at every opportunity he complains about the size etc but has made no attempt to help me save so we can move. Until recently he brought home the same wage but I paid for the utilities and mortgage and have still managed to save whereas he has hardly any out goings and yet no savings - I don't know where it's going- certainly not on our baby!
I have just booked us a holiday and he hasn't even mentioned to me about paying his share.
I get so mad and I start remembering other times like how I paid for Xmas all by myself or when he bought himself a designer coat 3days after I gave birth and got my sweet FA! I am already like a 1 parent family and he's 9 years older than me! What am I doing?

To top it off we rarely have sex in fact 7-9 times since she was born. All him! I've even tried scheduling times for a bit of action and he conveniently gets a headache, cold ...something. I've literally question whether I'm repulsive now.

I try to talk to him often about our issues but he switches off. He says he'll try harder but I feel we go round and round. When I try to explain my feelings he turns it to be all about him. Like if I say I'm tired because the baby has had me up a few nights. He says 'well what about me?' Sorry but being woken for a moment isn't the same as being woken to breast feed but he does not hear me!

I feel like a mug! I have considered that he might be having an affair but he works 6 days and to be fair - when would he have the time? I have had suspicions and checked his phone but it's squeaky clean (I know it's wrong but come on!)

It's got to the point where we fight most Sundays as that's his day off- I'm sure he starts it by being in a mood, being nasty or saying something hurtful but he always blames it on me- I give up!

I find myself hating him sometimes but believe it it or not we never argued before the baby arrived but since getting pregnant he turned nasty - yes this was a planned pregnancy And it took 2 years of operations and drugs to get her! So I question if it's always going to be like this? Is this just a phase? Or is it broken for good?

I hope not but now every time we fall out even slightly I just keep thinking now how I want someone who is patient with me, someone who is patient with my baby instead of getting the hump because she's unsettled, I want someone who wants to have another baby and cherish that little life as much as I have with this one, I want some support, I want some regular sex, someone to treat me for a change- so then I contemplate divorce!
What should I do?

whitsernam Mon 24-Feb-14 04:11:27

I can feel how hurt and upset you are, and I don't know what to say, but don't want you to think there's no one "out there". Also - if you click on "report" at the top where your message shows, you can ask HQ to move this to relationships, which gets a lot more traffic, and you will probably hear from some really experienced people.

Good luck!! And yes, you do deserve to be cherished, as does your baby. His attitude is odd to me.

DawnMumsnet (MNHQ) Mon 24-Feb-14 21:04:22


We'll shortly be moving this thread to our Relationships topic, at the OP's request.

southfieldsmum Tue 25-Feb-14 15:12:28

you have an incredible amount on your plate. It sounds like you work incredibly hard just day to day. Have you spoken to him at all about how you feel? Parenthood can be a complete mind-screw for us all, but some men in particular feel it particularly badly. He had you and his space and his life all to himself and now he has to share and compromise in a way that perhaps he was unprepared for and it now feels very hard for him to do. I am absolutely not making excuses, just offering an explanation as to why he is behaving so poorly. And he is - he is being an utter prick. My husband seemed to have this reaction on our second, I think he was so overwhelmed by everything, the enormity of having a family at the loss of me and his old life. Perhaps ask if that is how he feels, while making it clear that it makes your like so much harder and that if this is not what he wants, he needs to let you know now so you can move on. I really don't know whether it will come to that, what is your gut instinct? You mention he is older, perhaps that means he is more stuck in his ways?

I feel for you, you are dealing with a horrible unfair situation.

Wtafjusthappened Tue 25-Feb-14 15:21:44

I've not much to offer in the way of advice other than to say right now I'm in a similar situation bar your financial set up ie he has full control. I've had to become a sahm full time and to him I'm now invisible and shouldn't question anything as I'm all wrong etc etc so I understand your upset and frustration.

He is being a complete arse and it's not you.

Melonbreath Tue 25-Feb-14 15:58:11

He's right. He is too selfish to have a child. Tell him she's here to stay and if he doesn't like it there's the door. And mean it. He'll either shape up or ship out.

Joysmum Tue 25-Feb-14 16:17:13

Doesn't sound like, between the baby and work, you are investing in your relationship so it's no wonder it's floundering. Either you both start making time to strengthen your relationship or the while thing is going to fall apart.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 25-Feb-14 16:31:17

I think you'd probably benefit from relationship counselling because many of the problems seem to stem from you not having properly thought through the reality of marriage.... finances, parenting, household stuff, shared values & attitudes. You mention 2 years to get pregnant and I wonder if the effort & emotion you put into that process might have blinkered you to the reality of the man your partner actually is. He sounds very selfish and immature and maybe, now you have your baby, you're finally seeing it?

Offred Tue 25-Feb-14 16:33:51

I would normally agree with Joysmum. He's working 6 days a week, you're working full time in a stressful career under pressure to climb the greasy pole. I'm not sure what slack he could take up? However, how he is reacting - making it all into your problem is completely unacceptable. I would have said that you should readdress your work/life balance but I actually think you should leave.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 25-Feb-14 16:47:11

OP if you'll pardon the observation, you're obviously ambitious and I get the impression that you get what you want most of the time. Baby, bigger house, better job, marriage... better partner (?). Is there any chance that, in your keenness to get all this stuff, you've mistaken his agreement for enthusiasm? He may be 9 years older than you but could he feel like he's been steamrollered?

TheBakeryQueen Wed 26-Feb-14 14:33:30

He sounds vile, I would leave if I were you.

You sound more than capable of managing on your own.

JoinYourPlayfellows Wed 26-Feb-14 19:37:45

When you leave this horrible prick he'll have to put his hand in his pocket to support his child.

fifi669 Wed 26-Feb-14 19:55:14

He works 6 days a week. You work 5 days a week and evenings, after which you crash out with the baby. When do you spend time together?

Hatfield Sat 22-Mar-14 16:54:34

Thanks for everyone's input - it's actually refreshing to see from both sides. We are still having good days and bad days. I do agree that we haven't had much time to reconnect and have probably clouded much of what we like about each other by speaking to each other in this horrible way- I booked and paid for us to go in holiday so perhaps we can reconnect and spend time as a family. I think that's what this main issue is... 2 has become 3 and he didn't understand what that really meant.
The suggestion to quit my job is not an option although it would have been lovely- not only does my husband refuse to support us entirely, I could not afford to tasks full maternity leave taking only a mere 6weeks + 6 weeks holiday before I returned so I can't imagine quitting for good will help. We have discussed my hubs dropping a day in the future once we've managed to move.
I had a lot of support from my hubby's brother who agreed his behaviour is totally unfair and although it didn't have an effect on my husband it was nice to be reassured that I'm not going crazy.

I'll keep you updated on if the holiday helps any!

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