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An update on threads from some time ago

(6 Posts)
RoadKillBunny Mon 24-Feb-14 00:04:00

I just wanted to give a quick update to all those who held my hand and helped me through the bomb going off over 2 years ago when my biological Father admitted historic abuse to a boy at the boarding school he was at that time a monk at.
I posted originally as sickaboutdad and then later switched back to this, my normal mn name.

Last time I posted he had accepted a caution for the assault he admitted (only because he had been caught in the act at the time and it had been swept under the carpet) and been out on the sex offenders register for two years both here and in his current country of residence.

I had just concluded a short bout of counselling that had resulted in me writing him an email outlining the abuse I had suffered as a child at his hand, he had shared this letter as a round robin around family and his friends. I had told him the only acceptable firm of contact for me was email and he wasn't to try contacting my children.
I then had a nasty accident that had me wheelchair bound for months and I think it was around this time I last posted.

Things gave been fairly calm in comparison to the months after the bomb went off.
I finally ended up going completely non contact after he sent birthdays cards to my son and then myself. When I sent the no more email he replied straight away with a pile of rubbish. He also sent a Christmas card last year but has otherwise complied.

Just over a year ago I had a visit from social services as my uncle has again been paying for legal costs and he was attempting to get social services and the police to give him copies of all information and conversations that had happened in relation to him.
The very nice man from ss who came was their data controller who legally had to come and ask me if I was willing for him to have this info.
I told them that under no circumstance did I want him to have access, not because there was anything much that I hadn't said in the letter but because it was all about continuing to intimidate and control.
They where very pleased of my response as it was how they felt, the data controller said he would stand up in court to fight him having access if they pushed it that far but thankfully they didn't and nothing else has been tried since ss wrote to his legal team to tell them to get stuffed. I assume it's a different process with the populace as they never contacted me, just told them to get stuffed. Glad of that as the interview with police is the only thing that really frightens me to think of him knowing about. He still doesn't know police interviewed me and I told them about my early childhood with him.

My sister, less said the better. She continues the same way.
My brother, still difficult, he is still having contact, was only in public space but I was very disappointed and I admit worried when both my siblings took him up on the offer of a holiday this year. A caravan was booked for two weeks, my sister and hers for one week, my brother, sil and their kids for the other. He was not staying in the van but rather with my uncle in his home nearby. I still worry and I admit feel angry with bro and sil that the basically sold out their children's safety for a holiday (because they couldn't have afforded one otherwise). The timing was also telling, the holiday started the week after he came off the sex offenders register.

I know I need more counselling, I am still deeply effected, the flashbacks aren't as frequent or quite as 'sharp' as they where but I think that is due to me being able to 'put it all back in its box' more due to things not being full on like they where. This is a good and bad thing I guess. I'm still not dealing with the problems.

I have so much to worry about just now, dh was made redundant last may and is still looking for work, he us suffering from depression (unsurprising really) so while he does support me and really tries to listen when I need to talk I just can't put too much on him. I feel like the people who know about all this kind if expect me to be 'over it' more with things being quiet and me having gone non contact with the exception on my mum, but it's still very there (I guess why I am writing this) and I feel like I am lost without direction. There is no investigation to focus on, no contact to deal with. I have for my own sake had to accept that my siblings are baking choices that worry me but I can't do any more, they know how I feel. Thanks to him they know the contents of that very personal last email I sent him so I have accepted I can do no more.

I am just lost with things that won't go away.

RustyParker Mon 24-Feb-14 00:24:49

I remember your previous threads.

This struck me in your op *I feel like I am lost without direction. There is no investigation to focus on, no contact to deal with* I'm not qualified in any sense but it seems to me that wouldn't be an uncommon reaction. Sometimes when you are in the thick of things you have no choice but to deal with it and only afterwards you have the space to analysis what happened. It might not seem like it, but you have come a long way and have been so strong through this. I was always struck by how fiercely you have protected your children and I think you should be proud of what you have done.

I wish I had some answers or wise words for you, I'm sure other more experienced posters will be along soon but I wanted to wish you well thanks

RoadKillBunny Mon 24-Feb-14 09:53:47

Thank you Rusty
When it was all full on a friend did say that it was the time after the investigation etc that she was worried about. She was right I guess although I haven't full on fallen apart like I did at one time in the middle of it all, I'm just struggling in a quieter more self contained way. Sadly the friend who said that has been one of the causes of me feeling so isolated and unable to talk about it. She made me feel very much like I should be 'over' things. For lots of reasons, this all being a big part of it we are no longer friends, I felt extremely abandoned by her and her selfish and self centered behaviour just became too much, she was only interested when she could use me to her gain, a whole other story that one though.

It all reminds me of when I had a late miscarriage. After a short time a lot of people just expected me to be over it, especially as I became pregnant again quite quickly (too quickly) but the reality was I struggled with grief for a long time, the pregnancy and post natal time that followed was hellish but the pool of support I had was tiny as most people just didn't seem to understand. I still grieve my lost child today, he is still part of my life, my children know there was another baby. The pain will never go away but I have learnt to live with it, to celebrate to positives and his memory. I do hope in time I can do similar with this but I just can't seem to even get started properly. It's too big. It impacts me too much and I don't know where to start or what to do. It paralyses me.
I wish I knew why I am suddenly struggling again.
Thanks for the support and flowers I wasn't entirely sure anyone would remember let alone care.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Mon 24-Feb-14 09:54:26

I don't think I saw your previous threads but am bumping this for you. I don't have the wisdom or experience to know what to say, can you tell your GP, is that who organised the previous counselling?

My understanding is that there is a domino effect which affects the whole family over years, an abuser who minimises and shows no remorse will remain a manipulative and controlling presence. You have to continue to shield yourself and your own family as best you can. Your DH may worry he doesn't have the tools to give you the support you need. I hope you are able to confide in good friends but professional counselling must be the way to go. Best wishes.

RustyParker Mon 24-Feb-14 11:24:51

Oh Road, you will always be your little boy's Mum and he will always be your son. I'm so sorry for your awful loss. I can't believe how much you have been through, so much heartbreak. I'm sad to think you haven't had much real life support and so-called friends have been insensitive. Some people don't grasp that sometimes it's better to say nothing and just be there rather than spout platitudes which end up sounding mind bogglingly crass.

I seem to remember you having a really good therapist - are you still in touch with her? Maybe she would be able to refer you onto more relevant help if she's not able to support you? Would it be worth speaking to your GP?

How old are you dcs? Maybe you can meet some other mums through the kids' activities or what is your Mumsnet Local board like?

I recently lost my twin sister and recognise the ups and downs. I liken it to a dark cloud which comes and goes, sometimes at unexpected times or when I think I'm getting an handle on it. Grief can sometimes also follow different paths and you end up going places in your past that you thought were buried away. You situation sounds quite similar: but please believe that everything that happened was out of your control, you are NOT to blame.

I hope you can get to a place where you can find some peace

GarlicLeGrenouille Mon 24-Feb-14 13:28:33

I still think about you, RKB, and wonder how you must have been feeling with so little concrete resolution. You were, and are, courageous and have done the right things. I'm pleased to hear from you again! Of course, I'm sorry to hear that you're so disorientated now. It's difficult: the root of the issue, I think, is cognitive dissonance. There's been such a massive shift in your perception of your own life; the internal readjustment is the same as grief following a family death, yet harder to negotiate this change in your personal landscape because the change isn't apparent to people around you.

I'll come back to this later smile

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