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I want to leave my husband , but feel trapped

(6 Posts)
freevixen Sun 23-Feb-14 23:05:42

I've been married for 11 years and have three children 12 10 and 8 . I found out he was cheating on me For the first six years of our marriage. . While I stayed at home to bring up the children . I've always paid the bills (using tax credits and child benefits) even though he earn a full wage he always kept his earning secret ( obviously spending it on his mistress) he has never given me any money to help he never wanted a joint bank account . I've struggled to feed and clothe the kids and myself . He hardly used to bother with us and while the kids were babies they were my sole responsibility he hardly spoke to us some days . He made us move to an area away from my family and friends -to be with his mistress . I had nobody to talk to its a rural area so I felt so cut took a long time to prove he was having an affair as all the little bits of evidence such as receipts he shrugged off saying they were gifts for his sister , mom he always had an excuse or lie ready . Until I found his phone one day when he'd got up late for work it was all on there everything . I had to stay calm and think things through -( I'd just applied to university to start a nursing course ) so I decided to confront him with the evidence to which he couldn't excuse or accuse me of being mad which he had done before . He confessed everything . I know I could have thrown him out then and part of me wishes I should have done . But I'd just been accepted on the nursing course and as I had no family or friends around to use for childcare while I did the course I let him stay ... my plan being to complete the course , get a job and leave him . Four years on I'm now working full time as a nurse I'm still paying all the household bills he rarely works doesn't do any housework and plays on the computer all day or sits watching TV . I've opened a secret bank account trying to desperately save up for a place of my own With the children but there doesn't seem to be any childcare provisions Before 8 in the morning or after 6 in the evening ... I'd leave him this second if I can get childcare for my children .. I no longer love him he's quite horrible to me and makes me cry often he plays little mind games and puts me down . I know he won't leave the house if I ask him or hell just keep coming back and he'll try to make things as difficult as possible because he likes to stay in control he acts like an angel in front of other people but behind closed doors he's extremely selfish . I want to leave now but I know emotionally I'm not strong enough I'm seriously thinking of moving the kids out of school to a new area .... I've looked at so many different ways out right now some days I find it unbearable ...I've applied to housing associations but I'm not a priority . Private rent is so expensive ... I would really like some advice/ support please from anyone

OvertiredandConfused Mon 24-Feb-14 00:05:36

In terms of "out of hours" childcare, get an au pair. Your kids are old enough and you might like having another adult in the house. We've had au pairs for years and swear by it. Feel free to PM me for details if you like - au pairs typically get a mixed review on MN!

Sorry not to comment more on your situation - just about to turn out the light and didn't want to read and run.

AnandaTimeIn Mon 24-Feb-14 00:20:14

Any chance of moving back to the area where you have family and friends?

Could help with the childcare too maybe....

He sounds awful by the way. The sooner you get out the better, also for your kids sake. They are getting a very weird idea of how relationships are....

HerRoyalNotness Mon 24-Feb-14 00:35:04

You know you are strong enough to make the break right?

You put up with him having an affair for 6 years, eeked out an existence on tax credits and child benefit, looked after 3 children, completed a nursing qualification successfully and are now in full time employment.

The hard part is behind you. You can do this! Write a list of everything you need to get in place and start at investigating solutions to the biggest hurdle, childcare or housing and work your way down it. It sounds like your STBX will be the one that can't cope, you have proved you can with everything he has thrown at you and you are still a success!!

innisglas Mon 24-Feb-14 03:49:15

Yes, I so much admire you, you have managed to hold things together not just for yourself and your three children, but also for this worthless so-and-so. You can do it. Sorry I don't have more concrete advice, but the au pair suggestion sounds good

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 24-Feb-14 06:46:30

I think you should talk to your employer, tell them the score, revise your shifts to fit round child-care (you can't be the only nurse with DCs) and then tell him to sling his hook. The 12yo presumably doesn't need childcare any more but could let themselves in after school? The 10yo will be at secondary in September and could do the same. The 8yo would be in after school club presumably and maybe another parent could help out there if you're stuck.

I think, if you got shot of him, you'd find work arounds because you're clearly a very resourceful person. For the rest, call on people like solicitors, CAB, housing departments... wheel in the big guns.

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