My feed
Premium
Please
or
to access all these features

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

He doesn't want to marry me

55 replies

Estrella18112013 · 23/02/2014 22:25

Hello everyone, please help!

I have a wonderful partner who is also my best friend. We look after each other, we have fun together and we are also great lovers.

He is my soul mate and I truly believe I want to live with him for the rest of my life.

I am 30 and he is 36. We met when I was 18 and he was 24, we spent almost 3 years together, but our relationship was extremely passionate but also extremely volatile. We loved and fought HARD but we eventually finished.
We never spoke or saw each other again for 8 years until 3 years ago.
I never forgot him and he never forgot me and 3 years ago we got back together again and are now enjoying the ideal relationship!

We consider each other being the love of each other's life
At the beginning of this second time relationship we discussed marriage and children and said how much we would like both, together in the future.
We moved into a rented house and everything was amazing.
We have travelled on holidays and we spend lots of time with each other's families. I have supported him and his mother through a difficult time as his elder brother disappeared 18 months ago with no trace.

3 months ago we welcomed our beautiful baby to the world.
My father asked why didn't we marry first, to be honest although it is my dream, it happened by surprise and my partner hadn't made a move yet.
My partner said to my father that we would marry in the future, when we had the money.

During the pregnancy he tried to persuade me to buy a house with him.
I was a little put out by this as he hadn't mentioned the marriage again and I confronted him about it, why did he want to spend our money on a house rather than a wedding? He said because the house was a bargain, I almost agreed but luckily the bank turned us down for the mortgage as my partner already has 2 houses with mortgage...

Whilst I was pregnant the rented house we lived in was sold and we had to move in to his house (he bought it to make money with summer lets, from which he has done quite well financially as I have done all the renting for him)
This is the sticky bit,
I had to stop working during pregnancy, so I was more financially dependent on him,
I pull my weight in other ways as much as I can. He doesn't want me to pAyhalf the mortgage monthly repayments from the little income I have now.
Our daughter is born and I now have to reduce my hours at work to look after her (we have no one else)
Here is my gripe; valentines day I was sure he was going to propose,
But he didn't. Not only did he not, he threw a mental fit because I asked him why he hadn't and he said he not only did not believe in marriage, but he will never marry me and if I ever mention it again he will separate!!!

I can't begin to explain how devastated I am! I don't know what to do
I'm banned from bringing the subject up, yet I'm expected to give up my career and income to bring up our daughter And he won't marry me, I thought this man loved me! And now I can't help but think he doesn't trust me because of the properties he owns,

I can't get my head round it! please advice!

Thanks

OP posts:
Report
Quinteszilla · 23/02/2014 22:29

Sorry, but "I have a wonderful partner who is also my best friend. We look after each other, we have fun together and we are also great lovers."

No, this is just not true. It may be what you have persuaded yourself, but this is not the case. You are neither soul-mates, nor the loves of each-others lives....

Not judging by everything else that you say.

Sorry, I dont know what to advice. But in your shoes, I would think about why you had to fight so hard for the relationship the first time around, and why you broke up then.

Report
Twinklestein · 23/02/2014 22:33

I would give him an ultimatum: either he steps up to marriage or it's over. Although to be honest, I wouldn't want to marry someone who would behave the way he has. He is totally shafting you financially. He doesn't want you to contribute to the mortgage so you have no claim on the property.

Report
Only1scoop · 23/02/2014 22:36

He has led you to believe marriage was on the cards so it is wrong to give you ultimatums threatening its over if you talk about it again.

Your dp is your best friend?
I think notHmm

Report
Littlemissnutmeg · 23/02/2014 22:36

I doubt he's the 'one'. If he won't marry you he feels that something isn't right. I was with my children's father for 13 years and he refused to marry me. I got fed up waiting in the end and we broke up. Married to a lovely man now who is my best friend and soulmate. hope you find this too, don't wait around for this man as it will never happen.

Report
iamtoooldforallofthis · 23/02/2014 22:37

I agree with above...getting married does not have to equal a high cost..It does an that there is a legal framework for your relationship. ..
.

Report
Estrella18112013 · 23/02/2014 22:39

I think the ultimatum is dangerous, as I don't want to lose him, but then again knowing he never wants to marry me since valentines day is affecting me badly...can't sleep, can't eat, I'm really hurting...I'm being resentful towards him too as I almost feel like what's the point! I haven't cooked is a meal or been funny or jokey with him for days now!
I'm just too hurt ,

OP posts:
Report
Quinteszilla · 23/02/2014 22:42

No wonder you are hurt. He has led you on! He dangled marriage and kids as a carrot in front of you, and now that you have a child, and you are dependent on him, he changes his behaviour and gives you ultimatums : mention marriage again and we are finished.

This is really shitty behaviour to the mother of his child. Angry

Report
Estrella18112013 · 23/02/2014 22:42

iamtoooldforallofthis
Littlemissnutmeg

Think you may have opened my eyes a bit!!

OP posts:
Report
NoArmaniNoPunani · 23/02/2014 22:42

You need to get back to work, he needs to help with childcare costs. Then you need to get away from this man

Report
WhoNickedMyName · 23/02/2014 22:43

On a practical level, you are in a position where you have no security, you live in his house, you have no claim over anything he owns, and you've reduced your earning power.

So I suggest you find a good childminder, get yourself back to work full time and make sure he's contributing towards childcare costs as a first step.

Report
Sortyourmakeupout · 23/02/2014 22:43

Sounds like neither of you are ready for marriage.

Report
JoinYourPlayfellows · 23/02/2014 22:43

I'm expected to give up my career and income to bring up our daughter

Do NOT do this.

You need to go back to work.

And eventually you need to tell this wanker who's shafting you to fuck off.

Report
Quinteszilla · 23/02/2014 22:45

I agree you need to get back to work, and make him pay half of childcare costs.

Report
Littlemissnutmeg · 23/02/2014 22:45

I give it a few more years and then you will get fed up with this, i think you get stronger with age. You will get out there and find someone new who really loves you and wants you to be his wife and feel proud to be married to you. Your man is a selfish idiot.

Report
HanselandGretel · 23/02/2014 22:46

Hmm, why is he so strongly against marriage? He is committed to you in every other sense it seems, but totally on his terms. I get a sense his aversion to marrying you is financially motivated, i.e, he would lose out financially if it didn't work out.
No point in giving him an ultimatum, he's seems to be the one in the driving seat and the one dishing out the ultimatums, he sounds controlling and has shown a nasty side to him.
I would suggest you search your heart and decide if you can carry on with the relationship knowing in all likelihood he will never marry you, not only that but he has made his 'feelings' about it clear in such a nasty way.

Report
BiscuitMillionaire · 23/02/2014 22:47

He doesn't want to marry you because he doesn't want you to have any claim on his properties. Doesn't sound like true love to me, sorry.

Report
Doha · 23/02/2014 22:47

I have to agree with the others.

he is just not that into you really. Some men say they are anti marriage and keep there DP "hanging" for years. Eventually they separate and within months the DP has met and married the "love of his life"

He is showing you who he really is, not you best friend and partner. He is a control freak and a liar to boot.

Report
pancakedayiscoming · 23/02/2014 22:48

If it's a deal breaker then he needs to know, and you need to work out what you will do if he accepts those conditions and continues to not want to marry. How sad, can you stay with family or friends for a bit to clear your head?

Report
Littlemissnutmeg · 23/02/2014 22:48

Who does that twat think he is, i hate men like him!!

Report
IHateWinter · 23/02/2014 22:48

Walk as soon as you're strong enough. He wants his cake and eat it. Fine. Bide your time till your back on your feet and then move on. You never know he might start to appreciate what he's missing and come round.

Report
loveroflife · 23/02/2014 22:48

If he truly loved you, he would marry you OP.

I'm sorry to be so blunt, but that's the truth. Even if he was anti marriage, he would marry you, to make you happy, the love of his life.

Aside from that, he's gone back on his word that he would marry you.

End it and meet the lucky man who will marry you.

Report
Estrella18112013 · 23/02/2014 22:49

I have spent the last 11 years of my life dreaming of marrying this man, and having his children. We have our daughter who is gorgeous, and I want to bring her up with her dad, but I never expected never to be married, I feel totally duped.

When this bombshell was dropped I went to my MILs and my SIL happened to be there, I explained I was upset as I had expected a proposal but it didn't happen, and according to him it will never happen and my SIL stated "you should be happy he had accepted the baby, he could have walked away like many men do"

......WTF...........?.....?

OP posts:
Report

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

LyndaCartersBigPants · 23/02/2014 22:49

I think the big problem is not necessarily his reluctance to get married, but his horrible attitude about it. I get that he may have been annoyed by you bringing it up on valentines day, as a failing on his part to do 'the right thing'. However, there are ways to deal with a different opinion on something like marriage; he could have explained what is making him so unenthusiastic rather than ban you from ever mentioning it with a threat to leave you if you do.

Report
WhoNickedMyName · 23/02/2014 22:50

Tbh I don't think at this point the OP
is in any position to be issuing ultimatums.

If he calls her bluff, turns round and says "ok fuck off" what does she do then?

Better to be strategic about this and gain some security first.

And anyway, who really wants to be married on the back of an ultimatum.

Report
JoinYourPlayfellows · 23/02/2014 22:50

You have been duped.

Report
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.