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Single parents that now have new partners...talk to me please, before I self sabotage this relationship!

(19 Posts)
DoodleBugBug Sun 23-Feb-14 22:20:38

I'm a single parent to a 4 year old.

Have had a boyfriend for a year. He is awesome...and I love him.
Currently we spend every weekend together, and normally a night in the week.

Gradually, he has spoke about long term stuff. Moving in together, marriage, kids etc.
But we know we have to do it slowly so as not to unsettle DD.
I honestly have no complaints about him. No body has ever been so nice, and thoughtful to me, and I have honestly never cared for someone's well being as I do for him.

But why can't I shake off the feeling it's all going to go wrong?
He is mid 20s, no kids, good career, etc.

He doesn't need to be with me. He could start his own life and family without someone with baggage.
How can this guy truly love someone elses child, live with them, contribute financially to that household, and everything else....I'm not sure I could??
And this is what he will have to do if he wants to be with me....why go through all that effort?

I know I'm rambling.....but I just don't want to get in neck deep, and then he realises he's made a big mistake.

Any advice, experience, tellings to get a grip......all welcome.

Hormonalhell Sun 23-Feb-14 23:00:43

Simply put.....if he loves you then why wouldn't he love your life too?

Don't think you need to worry really OP smile

Botanicbaby Sun 23-Feb-14 23:39:29

"But why can't I shake off the feeling it's all going to go wrong?
He is mid 20s, no kids, good career, etc. "

Why are you so worried OP? I'm sure all will be fine. If you want to be with someone, you want to be with them. If they have children from previous relationship then that is just part of them. The person they love.

My brother moved in with his partner who had 2 children from previous marriage, he didn't have children and was mid-twenties at the time, she was a bit older than him (they've been married donkey's years now and are v.v.happy). My brother wouldn't have wanted anyone else and has a great relationship with the kids who are now adults.

It sounds like you have a lovely, caring relationship and I wish you all the best together, please don't see it as you having 'baggage' and jeopardising it by thinking if/when things will go wrong. Be confident in yourself smile

Val007 Mon 24-Feb-14 00:44:15

Because he loves YOU.

manaboutthemaison Mon 24-Feb-14 00:45:51

when I met Mrs Maison she had two kids, ( a third child had died a few years earlier in a tragic accident).

Simple answer is...... you don't just fall in love with the woman, it's a package, you fall in love with the whole family.

Maybe he (as I did) finds that you're an awesome mum and the thought of a future family with you would be amazing.

If only we could see ourselves as others see us .

StupidMistakes Mon 24-Feb-14 00:48:06

Because YOU are amazing, he is in Love with you, and loves your DD because she is a part of you.

Take things slowly, don't rush, and I am sure you will be perfectly happy

<hopes in a year or two for you to be announcing a wedding date>

innisglas Mon 24-Feb-14 03:38:09

Yes, my men friends have made wonderful fathers to their partner's children. Unfortunately women aren't always so adaptive, but men who like children seem to be perfectly happy with their step-children.

Obviously your partner loves you and your child. Congratulations!

TobyLerone Mon 24-Feb-14 03:53:25

If he wanted to be with someone else, he would be.

I get it, OP. 3 1/2 years ago, I met the prettiest man I've ever seen. He was 8 1/2 years younger than me, had a lovely flat and an excellent job. I was divorced with 2 children. And yet, he seemed to like me. I couldn't see why, and resisted the whole thing for ages for the same reasons as you, OP.

He's now snoring gently next to me, our newborn DD is snoring gently on my chest, we've been married for a year and he is the most excellent stepdad to my two teens.

Sometimes really good things happen if you let them smile

DoodleBugBug Mon 24-Feb-14 08:30:30

Thank you.
Especially Toby.....I think I just need to know that it does and can happen.
I just need to try and relax I think...I worry about how huge the lifestyle change will be for him in the future...

Dwerf Mon 24-Feb-14 08:40:17

Several things come to mind here. Firstly, you say he's been talking about taking things to the next level. Him. So obviously this is something he wants and is comfortable with, or else he'd be backing away slowly and changing the subect. He's obviously not so you have to trust that he's been thinking it through and knows his own mind.

Secondly, you already have a child, which means one failed relationship probably? So you've got that fear of it all happening again, which is completely understandable. And yes it may not work out, not everything does. But you aren't going to know that unless you give it a go. You've been together a year already so it's not like you are plowing straight into it.

Try set aside those fears. Take all the baggage out of the equation and think what you would do if you didn't already have a child, could you see yourself marrying this man and being with him for the rest of your life? Yes? Then do it. You can't live your life in fear of the what-ifs. You don't have the ability to look into the future so there's no point trying to second-guess it. Some things you just have to have a little blind faith that things will work out. smile

Madlizzy Mon 24-Feb-14 19:58:44

I met my dh when he was 21 and I was 26 with a 3 year old son. 18 years and one set of triplets later, he's sitting next to me on the sofa. smile

Lweji Mon 24-Feb-14 20:02:14

Agreeing with all, unless there are signs that he may not be all that or that he may not really like your child.

mcmooncup Mon 24-Feb-14 20:07:53

We are brainwashed to believe men couldn't possibly find you attractive if YOU HAVE KIDS shock
Some sort of maintaining the patriarchy and keeping women in shitty relationships.

Not my experience at all. With nice guys of course!
There are plenty of shit heads who would immediately write of women with children. But seems you've not got one of them.
Trust what you actually know about him from his actual behaviour rather than some sexist idea that single mums are the plankton of the dating world.

PlentyOfPubeGardens Mon 24-Feb-14 20:20:16

I met DH when I was 16 but by the time we got together I was almost 30, a LP with two DC and, to top it all, I'd just been sterilised because I definitely didn't want any more DC. We'll have been together for 15 years this year and we got married last summer smile

He's been an excellent dad to my now grown up DC and has no regrets (I do ask him occasionally while a bit sloshed). He especially doesn't regret not being around for the nappy stage grin

PlentyOfPubeGardens Mon 24-Feb-14 20:29:02

One thing - I may be way off mark here, but re-reading your OP I am wondering - is the passion there? You 'have no complaints', and he's 'nice' and 'thoughtful' and you 'care for his wellbeing'. The question is, do you fancy the pants off each other? If so, all well and good, but if not, that could be causing you to feel unsure.

DoodleBugBug Mon 24-Feb-14 20:54:19

Plenty- yeah sorry....we absolutely do fancy each other!

I think I was just trying to explain the "deeper" stuff so that I was getting the point across that it is serious. IFYKWIM!

But thanks for the input smile

PlentyOfPubeGardens Mon 24-Feb-14 21:38:18

Sounds brilliant then, go for it! smile

PollyIndia Tue 25-Feb-14 08:03:30

I know exactly what you mean - have started seeing someone who is 4 years younger than me, and it just doesn't feel like it can go anywhere. Taking it slowly and I definitely really like him, but I feel like my confidence has gone since having a baby.
Sounds like your guy loves you though OP. I don't think you need to worry at all a year down the line. He is saying all the right things!

katykuns Tue 25-Feb-14 08:35:46

I felt the same as you OP. My Mumade it worse in implying that he was only around for an easy shag because there is no reason a young man would want the 'baggage' (she is very old fashioned but has changed her opinion and now loves him).
I was extremely worried that we would pursue a relationship, he'd get bored and not only would I lose the love of my life, but DD would lose a father role model who she adores. There's always a lot more at stake when another casualty could be your own child.
We took the plunge and moved in 6 years ago... and are still happily together now. I think my cautiousness and high standards meant I have a relationship with a good person. We also have a second DD. It was eye opening going through the second pregnancy in a healthy relationship... I realise how badly I was treated first time round. DP is a stay at home parent and I work... and he is a fantastic parent smile

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