DH is resentful of me

[womblesofwestminster]

For the first time in our 10 year marriage, I have started having genuine thoughts of divorce. I want to know if AIBU.

We have a 2 yr old and a 3 yr old.

DH is a resentful person. This became apparent pretty soon into our relationship. I am by no means perfect, but for years DH has been telling me how I've "got it easy" and how many things I'm not doing that I should be doing. Over the years I have corrected them, but he just keeps finding more stuff that I'm doing wrong. Here's some examples of things I've corrected (I fully admit, some have taken years to be corrected):

I'm messy and don't clean.
I overspend on eBay.
I can't cook.
I don't have any friends.
I eat too many ready-meals.
I need him to taxi me to the gym twice a week.
I'm 'always' depressed/anxious/causing drama.
I don't bring in any money (I was a SAHM as initially agreed; now I'm a WAHM albiet it on a pittance but with potential PhD scholarship in the pipeline).

So I've corrected all of the above. However, the most recent thing that I'm doing wrong in DH's eyes is that I don't get up early. The DCs (quite luckily!) like a good lye in most mornings. 10am is not unusual. I share their waking pattern. This means I get regular lie ins. DH is seething with envy (he admits this) and calls me lazy. He thinks I should get up early (7-8am) because he does. I've explained that I will be getting up early every morning come September when the eldest DC starts school, but he says this isn't acceptable, and I should get up now.

I should probably point out that he's working in a stressful job that he loathes.

Final disclaimer: As I said above, I'm not perfect - I also point out things to him that he does wrong - namely, zero sex drive and smoking pot - but...and this is the very important part.... I stick to those two things, whereas his list of my faults seems never-ending.

AIBU to think that maybe...just maybe... we would both be happier apart? I know I have the potential to be a really good wife, but no matter how hard I try, I'll never be that woman for DH. I'm not sure exactly what he's after, but I'm not it. This much is clear from his chronic discontent.

[RandomMess]

What has changed recently for you to know think it's time to seperate?

[Logg1e]

You don't sound like a happy couple.

Have you spoken to him about how you're feeling?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

If you're contemplating divorce the net effect of this steady criticism is clearly significant. Does it upset you? Annoy you? Make you anxious? Do you feel bullied? You actually sound fed up rather than anything more sinister tbh

FWIW I'd be annoyed at a partner that couldn't be bothered o get out of bed at a reasonable time in the morning and have breakfast with me. 'One up, all up' is my motto :) Doesn't make me a bad person but that would make us ... like you and your DH... incompatible.

YANBU.

[Bowlersarm]

Hmm, there is fundamentally a problem. Lack of respect possibly? Two things strike me.

1. he is finding fault in everything you are/say/do. Stop reforming and rectifying everything he is pulling you up on. It's not for him to dictate how you are. Be yourself.
   
2. but staying in bed until 10am I can see would be very irritating! Sorry. Maybe negotiate that one.
   
   But ultimately, I think you need to talk, talk, talk, and tell him you're not putting up with it.

[womblesofwestminster]

RandomMess that's a really interesting Q. It was something he said to me today that made me think of divorce in a new light. He said that in September I still won't have it as hard as him (In September I'll very likely be doing a full-time PhD whilst also being a WAHM with a 3 and 4 year old). This made me finally realise that he will always resent me. This is the way it's always going to be, no matter what I do :( I'm only 31. If this is how it's always going to be, being told I'm always doing something wrong, it's pretty bleak.

[womblesofwestminster]

Does it upset you? Annoy you? Make you anxious? Do you feel bullied?

It annoys me probably more than any other emotion you've listed because it feels (to me) so relentless and thus unreasonable. It also taps into my anxiety problems because I begin to worry how to correct the most recent thing I'm doing wrong whilst knowing deep in my heart that once it's corrected, there will be something else. That's very anxiety-provoking.

Sorry for the drip-feed, but I forgot to mention, we have been in sex therapy for a few months now, but the therapist has referred us to couple counselling as he says it's more appropriate. So we're currently waiting for that.

[LunchLadyWannabe]

It sounds like hes had to train you. Hes had to train you how to cook and clean, how to manage finances (regarding over spending on ebay), how to be independant (not relying on him to get you to places)

In your situation im guessing he feels like a parent.

He may feel that he has to carry you, rather than you working together.

[Logg1e]

Lunch, I was also thinking it sounded like a parent role.

[womblesofwestminster]

FWIW I'd be annoyed at a partner that couldn't be bothered o get out of bed at a reasonable time in the morning and have breakfast with me.

He doesn't haver breakfast. He just puts on his clothes and leaves. But come September, I'll suggest we all have breakfast.

[Logg1e]

Lying in until 10am daily is not on in my opinion.

[womblesofwestminster]

He may feel that he has to carry you, rather than you working together.

This is a fair assumption. I was that person when he met me. When he met me I was 'broken' in these ways.

But why, when I correct the issues, is it still not enough?

[Finickynotfussy]

Marriage isn't supposed to be training or a competition

[Logg1e]

OP But why, when I correct the issues, is it still not enough?

He could be a bullying twat that you'll never, ever, please (and shouldn't try). Alternatively it could be that he doesn't want to parent you and wants you to behave like an adult without needing in constantly sign-posting.

[womblesofwestminster]

Alternatively it could be that he doesn't want to parent you and wants you to behave like an adult without needing in constantly sign-posting

Why did he marry me then? He should have chosen a fully independent woman, surely?

[Logg1e]

Perhaps he made a mistake, perhaps he's had to mature with the responsibilities of adult life and expects you to too... who knows?

But this is interesting, "Why did he marry me then? He should have chosen a fully independent woman, surely?". What do you mean by "independent woman" and in what way do you feel you aren't?

[MrsMoon76]

Honestly I see no problem with sleeping till 10am if it suits your life. You have addressed everything he had an issue with and he is still not happy. Maybe he will never be happy. Maybe you just aren't compatible. If you are starting to wonder if you are better off alone then maybe you need to have a serious think about that.

I couldn't be that perfect all the time and luckily my dh doesn't expect it. I don't expect it of him either.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

When you love someone, within reason, you're meant to love them as they are. Not mould them into something else. His various 'corrections' sound like basic goal-post shifting to me. Setting you little targets, never appearing happy, and therefore keeping you nicely under control. 'Emotional bullying' is very common, quite insidious and it's significant that you a) are buying it/accepting blame and b) mention that it triggers anxiety. Those would be pretty standard reactions of a bullying victim

[Cigarettesandsmirnoff]

op I'd tell him to go and jump.

Your not a fuckng robot.

There is nothing wrong in staying in bed till ten if your kids are too. Why should you get up like the little woman, should you be making his tea and toast as he is the big man?

You will have 16 years of getting up early so when the kids are in school so enjoy it while you can. I'd love to stay in bed till ten but I'm an early riser.

I'm really surprised at some of the responses on here. No one should have to 'train' anyone.

He sounds like a prick leave him. If he is not happy with the real you, who does he expect you to be? Some 50s house wife?

He will never be happy.

[ToddlerHoover]

You're clearly not happy so should probably divorce.

But to be fair, I'd be resentful if my partner stayed at home but did no housework, coking, stayed in bed half the day and spent all the money on eBay.

Why on earth don't you get up earlier?

[ToddlerHoover]

Cooking rather than coking, sorry.

[JoinYourPlayfellows]

Lying in until 10am daily is not on in my opinion.



Why?

There is no officially sanctioned correct time to get out of bed.

Who is harmed by a mother and her small children choosing to stay in bed until 10?

Nobody, as far as I can see.

[womblesofwestminster]

What do you mean by "independent woman" and in what way do you feel you aren't?

I feel like one now, but I wasn't one when we got together.

You will have 16 years of getting up early so when the kids are in school so enjoy it while you can.

I dared to say this to him today. It didn't go down well.

To make it clear, I don't want to LTB - mostly for the kids, but also I do still love him - I just don't know how long this love will last. It's hard to love someone who thinks you're so disappointing.

[ilikemysleep]

Maybe he thinks you have 'easier' choices. He has to work at a job he loathes, to pay the bills. You get to lie in till 10am and are pursuing a PhD in Sept which again, is a bit of a luxury choice assuming that you are not going to be bringing in much of an income during that time, and depending in what the PhD is in, might be a vanity thing or an enjoyment thing rather than something that is essential for your future career.

How would you feel if the roles were reversed? If he was able to get lie ins, was about to embark on a PhD and you were forced to get up and do a job you hated every day? Would you be happily investing in your partners future or would you be thinking, 'This person gets to make choices I don't get to make, and that isn't all that fair'. TBH I owuld be spitting feathers if my DH decided to postpone his earning potential in order to pusue a PhD unless that PhD was absolutely essential for your job.

[JoinYourPlayfellows]

I dared to say this to him today. It didn't go down well.

That makes him sound like your boss, not your husband.

What you said was perfectly normal and you should be able to speak freely to the person who loves you without worrying about how it will "go down".

[fancyanotherfez]

It does sound like he agreed to you being a SAHM, but then has become resentful of the situation. Maybe he expected you to wait on him hand and foot ( cooking and cleaning) and not spend "his" money on ebay as well as looking after the DC's, and it's just that resentment that is continuing.
However, he does sound massively controlling. Why should you have to jump through his many hoops to be 'a good wife'? Why can't he be a good husband and not be so critical of you? And anyway, is it only his opinion that your cooking and cleaning isn't up to scratch? I consider myself a fairly good cook, but an appalling cleaner. But on the days when I'm at work, the dinner is thrown in the slow cooker in the morning. It's not gourmet. Sometimes my DH comments, but he knows Ill make him do it himself if he doesn't like it- I wouldn't stay up extra late the night before to prepare a gourmet meal! He has to put up with the cleaning until we can do it together, or agree to a cleaner!