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FB, partner, something in bewtween or complete mug?

(14 Posts)
RenfieldsOtherHalf Sun 23-Feb-14 16:23:31

I`m pretty sure I know the answer to this one but still...

So I`ve had a fuck buddy for about a year now. Except I`m a little confused about whether he is just a fuck buddy, a partner, something in between, or just playing a weird game with me until someone better comes along.

He always, always stays the night after sex, and if neither of us has work the next morning, we`ll get up, have breakfast together, lie in bed chatting etc- he always gets up and makes the tea and brings it to me in bed no matter where we spend the night. We don`t just leap into bed together the moment he turns up, we`ll chill out together, cuddle up on the sofa etc. Bought each other christmas presents etc, when we go out socially together he always kisses me hello, very affectionate, he`s met a few of my friends and family, has introduced me as his girlfriend once or twice to friends.

BUT, at the same time, although he texts most days, there are periods of time when I don`t hear from him for days on end. Neither of us has actually ever talked about if we are actually a couple or not, and due to conflicting work hours, we only get to see each other every few weeks. He gets quite grumpy if I even joke about seeing anyone else, but has nothing said anything to indicate if we we are actually together. I am normally very chilled out about this kinda thing, but I think now I need to know either way if its just sex (fine, but the cuddling and grumpiness about me maybe dating others needs to stop) or if its a relationship (fine, but we need to see each other more) or if its just a weird ego trip he`s on ("Oh I know she`ll be there for me if I need her" kinda thing)

I know I need to confront him about this, but since I probably won`t see him for another couple of weeks, is it ok to ask by text? How should I put it without seeming aggressive/grumpy/pushy? Or am I just being taken for a complete mug?

I realize this all comes across as sounding rather immature...

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 23-Feb-14 16:26:49

I suggest you don't wait for him to decide but work out what you want and what you're happy with instead.

Coelacanth Sun 23-Feb-14 16:33:44

Why does he get to define what you 'are' or 'aren't'?

RenfieldsOtherHalf Sun 23-Feb-14 16:35:09

He doesn`t smile But I do need to know whats going through his mind.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 23-Feb-14 16:38:36

Again why? What's going through his mind could be anything or nothing. If you take the initiative & state clearly what it is you want out of this relationship he can decide to agree or disagree with you. I get the impression that you want it to be more than FWB... so set your stall out. Take the risk of being rejected.

ALittleStranger Sun 23-Feb-14 16:39:08

Then you might be better off asking him rather than asking us to guess.

My bet is he sees you as a casual girlfriend. Is that what you want? If you want a FB then you have to put some better boundaries down and if you want a relationship you need to toughen up.

Coelacanth Sun 23-Feb-14 16:42:49

Then ask him, but not in a text message. Wait until the next time you see him.

Joysmum Sun 23-Feb-14 19:37:41

Ask by text? No!

On something that important, text doesn't cut it. Call him.

mammadiggingdeep Sun 23-Feb-14 20:58:29

If a guy wants more from a 'relationship' they don't hold back on making it clear that's what they want. If you don't feel like his girlfriend them I'd say he doesn't think of you as one. Did you make plans to see each other/ share Xmas? Did he take you out on valentines? Do you have 'dates'?

mammadiggingdeep Sun 23-Feb-14 20:59:13

Agree with cog...why is it about what he thinks it is??

What do you want? Is he giving you enough?

hermionepotter Sun 23-Feb-14 21:20:06

I agree with Cogito too - take a chance here - say what you want and see what happens. Nothing to lose

sykadelic15 Sun 23-Feb-14 22:29:31

Seems to me you're his port in a storm, he gets all the good parts with none of the negative.

He doesn't like thinking about you with other people because that makes HIM less important and special. You aren't sitting around pining for him.

I'm sure you've probably heard or seen movies with the "he's just not that into you". If he wanted to be with you, you'd know and he would be.

I suggest you take these next few weeks to figure out what YOU want and tell him. Either it's "let's give a relationship a shot" or "I think it's time we moved on".

While you're doing this FWB thing you probably won't be as open to a REAL relationship with someone else. So if you don't see a future with this guy I suggest you cut it off. Much better than dealing with the mess later if you DO meet someone else and have to tell FWB guy that it's all over. Imagine if FWB guy becomes all demanding and hard to get rid of...

jayho Mon 24-Feb-14 00:26:23

I've got a fwb too but our relationship is very much what I'd call 'indoors'. This is mainly because we work together, same dept, different teams. We socialise with our teams but are absolutely NOT a couple. Our arrangement is private. I'm divorced with two young children and we generally spend my free Friday nights together. I go to his, we have a nice dinner, nice sex, watch a movie, I spend the night, he makes breakfast, we chat, cuddle, I leave whenever, sometimes I stay the Saturday as well, it's all relaxed etc apart from the fact that we don't go out.

It suits us both at the moment. He's a lot younger than me and I fully expect him to seek a real relationship quite soon but in the interim it's fun. We haven't fully discussed these things but it's implicit in our behaviour. It would benefit neither of us for our relationship to be public so there's no power play.

From your post, this seems to be the difference; that he is the driver in this 'relationship'. As others have said, you need to decide what you want, not work out what he thinks.

beachside Mon 24-Feb-14 22:33:12

It's ok to fuck him, but not ok to ask him a question?

And before you ask him the question, ask the same question to yourself.

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