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we don't seem to have any family time

(11 Posts)
HelenHen Sun 23-Feb-14 12:25:25

Dh works ridiculously long hours in a physically tough job with plenty of driving. During the week I lay off and he can sleep in as much as he wants at the weekend and I still do everything.

Ds is in a pretty rigid routine and naps for at least two hours at the same time every day. However we seem tohave the same argument every weekend sad . Typical saturday, dh gets up at 9, we all have breakfast, then he spends about two hours sorting himself out, then two hours working out in the garage. He says he needs this time to clear his head and recover from the week and I understand this. When he's finished ds has his nap and often dp does too! We spend some time together in the evening but very little.

Typical Sunday we often play tag team having showers and doing what we need to do but it's rarely the three of us.

I think it's really annoying me now cos I'm 33 weeks pg and really want to make the most of these final few weeks just the three of us. However he hates leaving the house or doing anything at the weekend. I hate staying in. It's not a good mix.

We were invited to my friends 30th this weekend. I told her no cos of pg but really cos dh never says yes, then he suggested we go, getting my hopes up, then he changed his mind pointing out that we have so little time left just the three of us and we should have a nice family weekend. I agreed and yet it's just been the same old shit again. I'm bored and it gets me down almost every weekend. I usually do something with ds myself to get out of the house and keep him happy but it makes me feel like a single parent and I'm fed up. sad . Sometimes we do something on a Sunday but only if I throw a strop on Saturday and demand it and then he always says what a lovely family weekend we've had!

Sorry about the long post but hopefully somebody can offer some advice!

bakingaddict Sun 23-Feb-14 12:33:10

I think your DH is probably stuck in a rut. I understand that he works long hours but if things continue the kids will be teenagers and you'll have wondered how the time has passed you by.

Tell him you expect to do a family day at least once a month. It doesn't have to always be full on, it could be just going out for a nice lunch all together. Tell him a week or two in advance in a casual way so he's got used to the idea. Say i've booked such and such a restaurant or i've got tickets to this place. Good luck!

HelenHen Sun 23-Feb-14 12:45:42

Thank you! I do feel sorry for him cos he hates his job, he does provide great for us and the last thing he needs is me nagging him at the weekend's. I could cope with him having Saturday's to get his stuff together if we had time together on Sundays or every second weekend. I'm not sure I could cope with it only being once a month though sad . I've always been a get outer while he's definitely a homebird! When we got together we talked about all the travelling we'd do... And we still talk about it sad but I've travelled a couple of times on my own since... He hates going anywhere!

We have a strong relationship otherwise and, for the most part, we make a good team but sometimes I feel quite lonely and ds is my best friend! I'm not living in my home country so this doesn't help. I've made a few friends though and see them when I can but sometimesi it's not enough. Maybe I'm expecting too much?

bakingaddict Sun 23-Feb-14 12:53:10

Then tell him one Sunday he gets to choose what to do and the next Sunday you make it your day. That means you both get at least 2 Sundays a month doing things you enjoy. Once he gets in the habit of doing stuff as a family he might become more pro-active. I think it's the initial effort of going out that might be daunting for him

rainbowsmiles Sun 23-Feb-14 12:56:50

I think your husband is being pretty selfish. You sound reasonable. Either Sunday or Saturday is family day and he needs to get his head round that. That would drive me up the wall. If working through the week means he had no energy to leave the house at the weekend then he maybe needs to look at his fitness/health levels.

It sounds like he prioritises him.

Handywoman Sun 23-Feb-14 13:09:56

Good ideas up thread. I also think that when dc2 comes along the situation could get ten times worse as there will be a whole new level of drudge work, tiredness and demands. I think it very important to open up a proper dialogue regarding this and get some change underway before the baby arrives. Good luck.

HelenHen Sun 23-Feb-14 13:52:55

Thanks bakingaddict, that sounds like a plan. It's tough,hhe's currently doing his expenses at the mo and he's feeling a bit sorry for himself this weekend so we won't have a chat today! I haven't been massively supportive though. Friday night he tried to tell me how bad things are at work and that he feels stuck. I then had a hormonal cry and said I need to know he's keeping it together cos I'm struggling. I apologised laterccos I never want him to feel he can't come to me but then he said that he can't. I know it's hopefully just s tough time and I've given him as get out. I've told him that when baby is as few months, he can get a less demanding job and I'll get something part-time to make up the shortfall. The problem is that in the meantime, there's nothing I can do to make it easier for him that won't make me unhappy!

As an example of how bad his work is, most days he leaves at 5.30 and doesn't get home til 8. Thursday he got Home at 11.30pm and had to get up at 6am sad

HelenHen Sun 23-Feb-14 14:00:25

He certainly does prioritise him rainbowsmiles! For the most part, I do think it's justified and I let him away witheverything. But he still makes time for ds and gives me some me time, which I would happily substitute for family time. If i did that though, he seems to find something he needs to do, whether for work, house or him, and leaves me alone with ds.

Thanks handywoman! I too am worried about dc2 coming cos things will be much harder. Maybe he's preparing for that? At least he will have two weeks off then so we should have quite a bit of time to figure something out. He's also got his holidays already booked and spread nicely throughout the year so that should help a bit! Things were very strained between ustho for the first couple of months with dc and iI'm worried about that. I've prepared a spare room for me and baby so he doesn't have to wake us all at 5am.

LadyLapsang Sun 23-Feb-14 14:58:55

He sounds like he is working his socks off for the family and in a job that he dislikes and finds ultra stressful too. Are you working outside the home - it doesn't appear you are. I think you need to be considerate of him too, if he comes home and wants to talk to you about work problems I can't see how you crying will help - just piles on the pressure for him.

In a few months you will have all the extra stress and work of a new baby. Think you both need to take things easy at the moment so you can cope when the baby arrives. I totally understand that you want to get out and see friends, but is there any reason why you can't sometimes go alone? If your child naps in the afternoon you could easily go out for a good few hours and your DH could look after the DC after the nap.

Perhaps you could get a babysitter of grandparent for a day / weekend before the new arrival so you two could have some fun time together as a couple - remember why you got together in the first place before you got caught up in the endless cycle of work that is family life.

HelenHen Sun 23-Feb-14 15:20:32

Thanks lady... Yep, I'm a sahm, ds is 19 months. Childcare would have cancelled my wages if I'd gone back but I am willing to do evenings and weekends so dh can work much less and we don't need childcare. At 33 week's tho, this won't be an option for at least a few months.

I did feel very ashamed of myself for being so selfish. He always emotionally supports me when I break down and u want him to have the same. Unfortunately I can't undo it and I think it will definitely make him think twice about talking to me in future.

I do get out to see friends and mil takes ds every couple. Of weeks or whenever she can for the day. Me time isn't really an issue at the mo. You're right though, we do need some couple time, I've missed him! So maybe the three of us isn't the issue as ds does get time with him!

I'll see if mil is around next weekend.

HelenHen Sun 23-Feb-14 16:22:22

So we had a bit of a chat! I've apologised and he's been understanding about it. I've suggested that he take Saturday's to sort himself out but that Sunday's need to be family time, even if it's every second week but he's been pretty non committed hmm so I'm not impressed. I didn't push it cos he's a bit fragile this weekend but I did say we have to find the right balance. I don't feel like I got anywhere but I don't feel like today's the right day but it's driving me mad. I suggested mil take ds next weekend and we go cinema or something and he seems up for that, he then suggested a curry so it'll be one or the other. Maybe both!

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