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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Upset about DGM being in hospital and my family

12 replies

chicaguapa · 23/02/2014 10:04

I'm probably BU but I got a text from a Dsis yesterday to say my DGM is in hospital and unlikely to survive. I'm NC from my dad so I couldn't ask him for info so I asked my DBro if he wanted to come and visit her today.

I found out that all my siblings knew lots about it as they'd all been together discussing it. They'd decided not to visit as a) she wouldn't recognise them b) they wanted to remember her from when she was well. I replied saying I'd probably visit anyway (it's 2 hours away) and he replied asking me to give her their love and a kiss from them.

I'm upset because of all the DGC, I'm the closest to her and feel annoyed that bar one sis (who wasn't part of the 'family' discussion) no one thought to fill me in on what was happening. It all stems from the fact that I'm excluded from many family things as I'm NC with my dad and no one supports me with this. I think my Dsis texted me because she knew no one else would think to tell me. (I've been NC with her for 1.5 years so it's nice that she did this)

I'm also irritated that they can't be bothered to visit her yet expect me to pass on their love etc.

Obviously I'm really upset about my DGM which means my emotions are high and maybe I'm not being rational. I used to spend a lot of time with my DGM as a child and she bought me my first bra. I'd bought DD's the other day and was remembering my trip to the shops with my DGM to buy mine.

I've tried to express this to DH but he just gets annoyed with how my family treat me so I think his views are skewed too. I'm just venting really and then someone can tell me IABU and that my family are lovely really.

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something2say · 23/02/2014 10:08

No they aren't. It's bound to be difficult for you. I would go to see her for yourself and regardless of what they all think. It was good they told you in time. I too am no contact. But no close relationships like you have with your nan. Sorry she is so poorly. Take care x

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Hissy · 23/02/2014 11:48

All you can do is what YOU feel comfortable doing. You know that you can hold your head up, but they can't.

That's their lookout.

Go and see your GM if that's what you want to do, and do/say whatever you feel appropriate to comfort an old lady that's dying.

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chicaguapa · 25/02/2014 07:28

Thanks for your kind words.

Yesterday I got a text from DSIL asking if I wanted to be added to a FB conversation started by my dad with updates on DGM health or if I would like her to text me the updates. I replied no I didn't want to be added and would like the separate updates. But DBro added me anyway.

Now I've got updates from my dad coming through when I don't want any contact from him. It also lets him off the hook from being a complete wanker and not having told me that his mum was dying (because he's still punishing me for not toeing the line and daring to go NC with him).

But now I can't leave the conversation without it telling everyone I've left.

I'm just so confused. On the one hand I felt excluded but now I don't like being part of it as it involves my dad. And I feel really selfish as my DGM is dying and I'm making it all about me.

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something2say · 25/02/2014 07:31

No you're not. You can sign out of the conversation and so what if they all know? Sign out, keep your head down, and block them. Keep this about grandma....,when are you seeing her?

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Hissy · 25/02/2014 07:37

Agree, sign out and block them. How dare they bully you and fail to respect your clear wishes.

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Walkacrossthesand · 25/02/2014 07:47

Sorry to hear about your DGM. Yes, your 'D'B shouldn't have added you to the conversation (but he may have felt, given your interest in DGMs progress, that it was the obvious thing to do, and not been aware that your DSis had checked and you'd said no) - but does you being on the 'conversation' give your dad access to your FB postings? not sure how someone other than the conversation-starte can add someone to conversation? If not, and the conversation remains all about DGM, perhaps it's worth remaining in it till DGM's story is over - at least that way you are in the loop. You can leave it whenever you like.

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chicaguapa · 25/02/2014 07:47

They probably think they're being nice by including me but I just see them continuing to not respect my wishes to be NC with my dad. I know that if I leave the conversation they'll think I'm making it all about me and not my DGM. I know they don't matter really, but it's another excuse for them to roll their eyes and to think I'm overreacting again.

It's really just about how hard it is maintaining contact with family when you're NC with a couple of them and the rest don't respect that. I've had threads about it before as I struggle with it.

I didn't go to visit at the weekend as she's confused and I didn't want to distress her by having a stranger next to her bed. I'm on standby to visit at the drop of a hat but I'm at peace if I don't get there in time. I want what's best for her.

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Walkacrossthesand · 25/02/2014 07:49

Oh, and you don't have to post anything on the conversation - just lurk and read. E.g. After you've visited her - no need to report back at all! One-way traffic...

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Walkacrossthesand · 25/02/2014 07:53

Whoops, cross posted. It's hard to know what to do, isn't it - grandma won't necessarily get distressed by a visit, there must be 'strangers' (staff) coming & going all the time, and it may be your chance to say goodbye for yourself as it doesn't sound like you'll feel able to attend the funeral? Sympathies.

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chicaguapa · 26/02/2014 11:45

Thanks for the replies. I went to see her yesterday and luckily (for me) my dad wasn't there so I didn't have to see him. I feel a lot better for having gone and having held her hand. She wasn't conscious though and probably didn't know I was there.

Having made a decision that for the sake of a couple of days, I could live with being included in the conversation and not making a fuss about it, it turns out I was right to be wary.

Yesterday I posted to everyone on it that I was with her at that moment and had given her love from everyone and had mentioned everyone by name. They all replied saying thanks etc. An hour later my dad updated to say that there'd been no change and didn't refer to my having gone or my update or anything. Just totally blanked it/ me. Then this morning my dsis posted that she was going to visit and he replied thanking her for going.

So l left the conversation immediately. I can't believe I was put in a position again.

It probably sounds so small, doesn't it? But when we've been NC for 2.5 years and he's made no effort to get in contact during that time, even blanking me and DC at a family gathering, he still finds a way to act like a shit when his mother's dying.

I'd hope that everyone else would be able to see what he's like but tbh that behaviour towards me was so normalised in our family, nobody sees it. Hence why I don't get any support in being NC with him.

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something2say · 26/02/2014 14:21

The thing is, abusers most often don't change. So although I am sorry to see that you had yet another experience, I am also not surprised. I work in a job around helping survivors handle this sort of thing and we go so far as to advise survivors to expect more incidents - abusers generally do not change, so when you open the door to them again, sooner or later you will get the same old same old.

Can you minimise contact? And maximise the good elsewhere?

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chicaguapa · 28/02/2014 18:00

I have zero contact with my dad (since 3 years ago) and despite having explained why this is to the rest of my family, they have difficulty in respecting it. I have problems with this.

They think we (my dad & I) are as bad as each other and don't accept that he is verbally and emotionally abusive to me. Even though they have witnessed this many times, including just the other day on the Facebook conversation. I feel that by accepting that how he treats me is ok they make me feel almost as bad as if he was doing it himself.

I often reach this point when I find it very hard to be in contact with them and just want to be NC with them all. Because I feel that they don't think it's wrong for it to happen to me but won't stand up to him/ for me in case they become a target for it too.

On the plus side, my DGM is improving and whilst not in the clear, is responding to the antibiotics and not at death's door at the moment. So that's very good news indeed.