Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

I feel so sad

(12 Posts)
gingerbreadshoes Sun 23-Feb-14 09:42:39

Dp and I separated about 6 months ago as he had been having emotional affairs. Up until now I thought I was doing OK and he still has a lot of contact with our young Ds.

Friday night an ex came round for a catch up as we hadn't seen each other for a long time and hadn't had any contact until we bumped into each other whilst shopping. I thought I had made myself clear during the arrangement of this that I only wanted to meet up as friends, however, it seems as though he was thinking of it as more of a date.

During the evening I knew that I would never want to be more than friends again and I suddenly started to feel really sad. I realised how much I still loved and missed my exdp and that going on 'dates' would be my new reality.

I don't believe that my exdp has these feelings about me anymore and I can't help feeling that I have spoilt everything by not realising what I had at the time with him and causing him to feel the need to seek out friendship with these ow.

I don't know what I want to achieve by posting this but I wanted to tell someone as I don't feel that I have anyone in RL.

LilyBlossom14 Sun 23-Feb-14 09:44:03

You didn't cause him to do anything - he chose to not value you and to be unfaithful, how could that be your fault??

gingerbreadshoes Sun 23-Feb-14 09:45:34

Because of the lack of attention I gave him after our D's was born.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 23-Feb-14 09:52:23

I think how you're feeling is normal. No matter how crappily a long-term relationship ended, it will have had a lot of good times and you will have shared a lot. So if you mourn that it's over and feel reluctant to get to know someone new and start all over again, that's to be expected. But you can't blame yourself for behaviour that ultimately was your ex's decision. Even if you are the worst partner in the world and had driven him away on the end of a pitchfork, it would be unhelpful to dwell on it.

Tear yourself away from the past best you can and face firmly forward... Best of luck

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage Sun 23-Feb-14 09:58:15

Every single man gets less attention from their partner when they have had a new baby, and every single woman too. The baby needs more than a grown up does and if either parent can't handle that then you are better off without them.

He was immature and a dick to seek attention elsewhere and you were right to get rid.

Just because you aren't ready for dating now doesn't mean you should go back to someone who has hurt you and treated your child with less than the 100% love he should have done.

LilyBlossom14 Sun 23-Feb-14 09:58:41

'lack of attention'? what - caring for his child. Nope, sorry - is that the excuse he gave you for being unfaithful?

gingerbreadshoes Sun 23-Feb-14 10:41:04

Normally I can see that I am better off now but it just seemed to hit home a bit hard last night.

He said that he didn't feel that I loved him which is why he was contacting the other woman. He did keep these thoughts to himself for quite a while before he told me. Then when I thought we had had a good chat about and moved on with our relationship he started the contact up again but with more women.

I think he is perfectly happy with the way things have turned out as he can play the doting dad enough times a week to look good without it having an impact on his free time.

Last night just highlighted how different the two men are and has made me realise that I am not ready to be with anyone else even if exdp appears to be. I know he is still in contact with at least the first ow and that hurts even though I understand it is none of my business.

Handywoman Sun 23-Feb-14 10:48:48

OP if he felt you didn't love him, he should have addressed this with you inside the relationship, instead he looked elsewhere. That was his choice: the wrong one. It's ok to grieve was has been lost (including your hopes and previous plans). Be kind to yourself and keep looking in front of you, not back.

LilyBlossom14 Sun 23-Feb-14 10:54:48

oh come on - stop believing what he is pedalling. Classic behaviour, minimise what he did and blame it on you! Sorry - but a load of complete and utter rubbish. He was unfaithful because he chose to be because that is the sort of person he is. He wasn't a doting dad when he pursued someone else was he.

louby44 Sun 23-Feb-14 11:08:53

It's hard to move forward sometimes. I've been separated from my ex for 3 months now and I still miss him everyday - even though we split for valid reasons.

I've since realised what a complete twat he is, he has been truly vile and I know I'm better off without him ignoring me, sulking, shouting at my DC and his terrible temper but there were some very good times which are what I remembered.

It's grieving, even though no one has died.


CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 23-Feb-14 11:17:30

"he can play the doting dad enough times a week to look good without it having an impact on his free time"

Wouldn't it be an idea to fix this little anomaly? How old is DS?

gingerbreadshoes Sun 23-Feb-14 12:02:54

Ds is nearly 2. He does have set times during the week and one day at the weekend which he does stick to and ds seems to be fine with this.

What I mean is that he has ib his mind the best of both worlds, contact with ds and enough free time without responsibility for him to persue his hobbies and see his friends. Whereas at the moment I have to ask someone before I can go out as I need them to look after ds. I know this is the case for all lone parents and please don't think I resent ds in anyway because I don't.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: