Lost all my confidence....feel so insecure!!!

[Hitchy83]

So, I've been with my DH over 12 years, married for 5. We've always had a good relationship, I trusted him 100%, he is in my eyes a perfect husband and daddy to our DS. Why am I posting then?! About 18 months ago I found out he had gone to a strip club on his stag do and had a fully nude private lap dance. I was absolutely heartbroken....given I was 7/8 months pregnant at finding out, shortly after having our DS my confidence hit rock bottom, I hated my body and how I looked and couldn't get the idea of this beautiful naked stripper being all over my husband. I posted on here and had some helpful advice, we ended up going to a counsellor to talk things through. My husband has always apologised for what happened, wished it hadn't, he was drunk and never drinks, says he loves me and my body is perfect in his eyes. He says all the right things which SHOULD reassure me. Part of me just wishes I could accept what has happened, learn from it and move on....but in my mind I'm just not the same person anymore.

So here's my issue. Now I just can't get the idea out my head that my DS fancies every pretty woman out there, I'm stupidly jealous, even over celebrities, I'm obsessed by seeing what Kelly brook looks like in th latest pics on daily mail to see what my husband is oogling at?!? How ridiculous is that! We take our DS to a soft play centre, and all I'm thinking is that there are loads of pretty mums here that he must be fancying! When we are intimate I'm thinking, he wishes I was the stripper. I can't understand why he is with me when there are prettier women he could be with.

It's stupid isn't it?!? I've honestly gone from one extreme to another, we used to be so secure together, I trusted him and knew he'd never hurt me....I guess then he did and now I'm just turning into this crazy super jealous wife and I hate it but don't know how to stop!

Don't know whether I should go back to counsellor on my own? Any other suggestions or advice greatly appreciated!!

[Ledkr]

This is precisely why it's so low for men to do this to their wives.
I think you need to work on yourself. Get some counselling alone and start to make a life outside your marriage.
Do some superficial stuff like new hair do, clothes etc and get your self esteem boosted a bit.
Have you told him how this has made you feel?

[LizLemonaid]

What is the point being married if it makesxu this unhappy?
Id probably have been angryvwith your h for a while until he understood that there was a risk HE wasnt good enough for his wife!

Read books about self estteem. Have psychatherapy.

Build your confidencec in yourself, you cant feel more secure in marriage uf your self esteem zero

[superstarheartbreaker]

It must be hard but it was a srunken stag do and strippers do not represent wonen kind as a general Rule. The stripper probably wouldnt go near your dh in real life and probably sees her clients as sleaze bags. Sorry you feel so bad op but work on you.

[Hitchy83]

He knows how I'm feeling and hates that he's made me feel this way, he's been good but I can see I'm wearing him down now, I pass comments about things like 'o you must fancy her', 'does she remind you of the stripper' etc its like I'm punishing him but also serious in wanting an answer!

To be honest I don't want judgements on my husband, I'm past that, I can't forgive him for what he's done but I can put it to one side in our relationships and move forward with all the good that outweighs this, I never wanted to leave him, he is my soul mate, I truly believe this!

It's just me and my head that need sorting but don't know how to go about it! I've tried losing weight, lost a bit, but nowhere near being slim in my eyes, and promise myself new clothes once I'm thin....so that's not anytime soon! Since having my DS my friends have disappeared, I've no one to turn to to talk to, feeling isolated which probably isn't helping either, just feeling stuck in this massive hole right now, don't know how to get out :-(

[Ledkr]

Well if his actions have made you feel this terrible then you will get judgements passed on him as his actions have led here.
Don't try to change yourself to keep him interested though, do it so that you feel confident.
I adore my dh and hope he never leaves me but am also perfectly confident in my ability to live without him.
That's a good place to get to because you then elude confidence rather than neediness which is vastly more attractive.

[Joysmum]

I think you need to think beyond the physical and start to learn how to like and value yourself and why he loves you.

There is always someone better looking or with a better body out there. I'm sure as much as you love your DH, he's not the most physically attractive man in the world yet clearly you adore him and he knows it. Time for you to know the same thing about his thoughts and feelings about you.

[Allofaflumble]

You sound really lovely OP, articulate and intelligent too. Yes your husband made a mistake but it has triggered off a kind of insecurity OCD of obsessive thoughts.

I think you may find talking this through with a counsellor helpful, in addition to finding something creative which focuses the mind elsewhere.

You are probably very angry too and suppressing it so it is coming out in other ways?

It sounds like you really want this to work, so I wish you the best. There is nothing wrong with you by the way, your response to your dp action is very understandable. X

[cjel]

I'm sorry that you have got to this point and think that changing hair and clothes won't work as you will be feeding the anxiety that if only you could do something different he wouldn't fancy others.

I don't think he fancied the stripper anyway and am not sure how connected this incident is to your low self esteem, you say since you had ds all your friends have 'disappeared' and they didn't fancy a stripper!maybe part of your feelings are from losing the life you had before ds and you have transferred a lot of those feelings to the stripper.

I'd definitely recommend counselling on your own and that will help you unpick all your feelings so you can then work on them to get the life you want. Have a look at the BACP website and you will find one in your area.
Hope you feel better soon.

[Allofaflumble]

PS. You are not stupid either - just hurting.

[TetrisBlock]

This is just one of the reasons I can't stand men who go to strip clubs. They just don't think about the hurt they cause.

Op I'm sure you are beautiful. There are many men who would be thrilled to have a lovely wife like you and wouldn't dream of going near one of those places. Think about those men the next time you start feeling insecure about yourself.

[LizLemonaid]

So u cant tolerate anybody judging him ( as u r past that) but u are so hard on yourself!! Is that logical?

The "judging" should be more even. The "cutting slack" should be even.

Go for psychotherapy on your own . When u say "there are prettier girls out there why is he with me?" It makes it seem like u see no value to your inside self. Like you are only worth what u look like. Change the wat you think. Have psychotherapy! Your h will see q change in you.

[Hitchy83]

I think I say I don't want judgement on my husband on here, only because when I originally posted about finding out about him going to the strip club there was a lot of hurtful comments about my DH being scum, horrible sexiest pig etc, all of which I knew wasn't true, he'd just made a stupid mistake which he regrets.

I do probably hold some anger towards him, but now it's more because of the way I am now as a result of what he did- I'm a shadow of my former self, I hate feeling this weak :-(

Thank you for your kind comments, maybe some of why I'm feeling low is to do with my friends, I'd never really associated the two. They don't keep in touch, my best friend has had someone else latch onto her who feels the need to post pictures on Facebook of the two of them going out places all the time with 'me and my bestie', I try not to get upset, it sounds like playground stuff and we're all 30! I don't go out anywhere on my own or with friends anymore, my DH encourages me to go and find a new hobby to make new friends but then my confidence stops me, it's a vicious cycle!

In a stupid way I'm tempted to go to pole dance classes....I see a distance friend on Facebook post pictures and showing how she's lost weight, toned up and had fun meeting new friends.....sounds good, but am I just focused on trying to be like the stripper to please my DH, will I be angry with the trainer blaming her for my DH mistake, I dunno!! Aaaghhhh!!

[LizLemonaid]

If it is a stripper he wants, you wouldnt want him. Dont try to be like a stripper to plwase your h.

Be as forgiving to youeself as u r to him. Take time out to lose weight for your well being!!! Not because it will make u like a stripper!!

Make sure your h minds kids while u work out. Jillian michaels 30 day shred v good imo. Gets u going ! In your own home. You are terrified of being judged , compared, rejected? Maybe a dvd in your own home would be good.

[something2say]

It's your thoughts that are the issue. So yes maybe some cog behavioral therapy.

For myself, for you at home, I recommend the following.

You are not allowed to google women.
You have to catch yourself in the act of thinking about other women and say 'I love my self' ten times whenever you catch yourself doing it.
You are to look up self esteem exercises, chose the ones you fancy and do them regularly for as many weeks as you have years under your belt. This is how long it will take for it to hit home.
If you forget after a while, next time you remember, get into doing the exercises again.
Self esteem is an energy based on good vibes. Like loving yourself, and really knowing why you do.
You will notice that nothing here is about any other person at all.

X

[LizLemonaid]

Ps my self esteem good (now) but recently i feel/realisei dont have friends i have people i am friendly with, and that 's ok, but if i ever found a man he'dd have to be my friend first n foremost! Couldnt carry a relationship. It has to be supportive. Not leave u drained and unhappy!

[LizLemonaid]

Read anne dickson "a woman in my own right". It is good.

[LizLemonaid]

Eft could be good for u too.

[something2say]

Just reading some of your other posts, maybe you could start getting out on your own regularly. Go to something at night, do you work! Drinks? Do you know anyone who would want to go for a drink in the evening? Can you start meeting other mums in places? Who did you used to know? This is a really common problem I think, I certainly know loads of women in the same boat.

[MillyBlods]

Hi OP...I also feel you need counselling to help you with your self esteem . I understand that your husband watching a stripper upset you but he was very out of character drunk and his friends probably set it up for him. It sounds like you are now still punishing your husband for this lap dance by blaming him for your body issues and the way you perceive yourself to be. You have to sort this out not just for you but for your relationship as you are pushing your DH away from you with your continuing references to the stripper. You have said he is a good man ( and I would agree) but if you dont let this go and move on then there is a danger that your marriage will not survive.
He had a drunken Lap dance on a stag do not sex with another woman nor an affair which would have been much more damaging to your self esteem. If your not happy with your body then do something about it, but do it for you and your self worth , not for anyone else.

[Hitchy83]

My DH is my best friend, we do have fun together especially now with our DH, I see a side to him I never knew before and I absolutely adore him!

I work with people who are a lot older than me, outside of my team I don't mix well as i work in HR, everyone keeps their distance! Lol! I've met only a couple of mums, one in particular who I keep regular contact with and get on well with, but I know she has her own friends who she goes 'out' out with so I think our friendship is mainly based on our little ones.

What are the self help exercises you talk about, and where can I find them?

Thank you again for all your comments and help xxx

[Hitchy83]

Millyblods.....you sum up everything my 'rational' self tells me all the time.....it's this raving jealous lunatic that's shouting ten times louder that's the problem :-S xxx

[MillyBlods]

It's good that you still feel so attracted to your DH but such out of control jealousy can be destructive to you and ultimately your relationship. He cannot do anything more to make you feel better about yourself, you have to do that.

[Hitchy83]

Millyblods, I know, I'm petrified I'm pushing him away, I can see him getting angry with me when I say things, my mouth speaks before my rational selfs stops me :-S that's whats pushed me to post here to seek advice before our relationship deteriorates any further :-( counselling may be my only option, tho I'm scared to think that the counsellor will just think I'm being ridiculous and to grow up, I'm sure people out there have far bigger issues than this?!?

[MillyBlods]

No a counsellor will help you to learn to feel better about yourself. Do it Your husband lives you and fancies YOU but you can see that you are pushing him too far. Please go and talk to someone or get books that will help you.

[Ledkr]

Have you had a really frank discussion about how he's made you feel?

When I was gp I felt irrationally insecure and talking to dh about it really helped even if he did fall about laughing when I said I thought he might have an affair at work (mostly men and a couple of fairly elderly ladies) the bastard but that might be a good conversation on to have,it also will be good for him to be honest about the lap dance.
I. Not entirely convinced that it's very erotic in real life.