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DP has cheated, i am in turmoil

(26 Posts)
turmoilgirl Sun 23-Feb-14 07:03:12

I am in complete shock. We have been together for 7 years. He got made redundant 3 years ago, but quickly found his dream job. The only disadvantage was that he had to be based in America for 3 years. At the time I was taking professional exams, so could not go too. He gets home about once a month, therefore we decided that I would remain here, as he would eventually return to the UK, and I was building a successful business. We Skype/talk everyday, and it soon became clear how lonely he was, and the job was not what he expected. I then found out he had had a ons with a collegue a month ago, who its seems had been bombarding him with txts/phonecalls for some time. I feel so betrayed, this is so out of character,i threw him out, but am distraught. I love him so much, and I thought he loved me. He says he has no feelings for this girl, it just happened. I am in complete turmoil, and don't know what to do next.

ivykaty44 Sun 23-Feb-14 07:07:03

No one will be able to tell you what you should do, it will not be easy what ever you do staying or leaving.

But if he is going to stay in another country to you I doubt it will work out

Sorry that this is happening to you

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 23-Feb-14 07:13:56

'Bonbarding with texts and phone-calls' sounds like a big fat excuse, sorry, and 'she means nothing to me' is a fairly standard fall-back. How did you find out?

superstarheartbreaker Sun 23-Feb-14 07:16:40

It does sound like the long distsnce is a strain. No excuse for him cheating though. I feel for you...not sure what id do.

paxtecum Sun 23-Feb-14 07:24:01

OP: I look back and wish I had left my DH after he cheated whilst away working.
How did you find out?

turmoilgirl Sun 23-Feb-14 07:25:06

I found out by looking at his phone, lots of calls to same number, so I txted it, then confronted him and he confessed. I have always believed that once the trust has gone, that's it. I have been wondering for a while if there was anything going on, as he told me of the life style his work collegues have, and how he feels left out and lonely.There is a culture of heavy drinking, long hours working, and sleeping around seems to be a leisure activity, rather than for love. But I seriously didn't think I would find anything. He is due to return to the uk for good in may, and I need to decide if we try to make a go of it, or I stick to my beliefs of infidelity is a definite point of no return. I think he is staying with a friend now, but is going back to the US on Monday, which was already planned.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 23-Feb-14 07:36:01

Sadly yes, once you can't trust someone, something very important dies in a relationship. Some people still manage to make a go of it but they seem to sacrifice a lot to get to there. Interesting that he said he felt 'left out and lonely' when all his colleagues were on a work/drink/shag fest. 'Left out' sounds like he wanted to join in. Not disgusted? Not amused? Not itching to get back home?

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 23-Feb-14 07:40:12

BTW... the fact that it was 'lots of calls to the same number' rather than lots of calls 'from' the same number sort of gives the lie to the idea that he was being hunted down and forced to submit. ... hmm

Only1scoop Sun 23-Feb-14 07:42:07

So doesn't sound much like a Ons though if there were many texts/ calls between them. A little cowardly of him to say he was bombarded with them, if he has been replying.

So hard to trust again.

BeCool Sun 23-Feb-14 07:47:52

How do you know it was ONS? because he told you? He is likely to be minimising. If you hadn't looked you would still know nothing.

Sorry this is happening OP. Do you have children?

turmoilgirl Sun 23-Feb-14 07:55:33

That's the thing, he did want to come home, all the time. He didn't want to be involved in the lifestyle, as it really wasn't his thing. I feel sure if i hadn't investigated further, i would never have known this had happened. I didn't actually intend to check his phone, i was actually using it to make some calls, as mine was in the car, and i couldn't be bothered to go out in the rain to get it. It was then i noticed this number. He knew i was using the phone, and made no attempt to stop me, and i know his password anyway. Maybe i am making excuses, i have always known a long distance relationship was difficult, but i was never tempted, maybe because i was busy with my business, and that i wasn't exposed to such temptations myself

turmoilgirl Sun 23-Feb-14 07:57:57

and also, there were many more calls "from" the number than "to" the number. She is a work colleague by the way, but don't know if married. No DCs, but were planning them this year when he was back in uk

Only1scoop Sun 23-Feb-14 07:58:50

'Exposed to temptations' makes him sound like a child in a sweet shop. Not a consenting adult who can say....'no'.

BeCool Sun 23-Feb-14 08:01:34

Does it matter is she Made more calls? What does that tell you? Nothing really. . .

Only1scoop Sun 23-Feb-14 08:03:04

I guess it may be natural to make all these excuses re 'how many' phone calls were to and from....but to be honest it's doesn't sound like a regretted One night thing on his part ....or he wouldn't be in contact with her....
Is he really sorry ....have you asked him to move out whilst he's bAck?

BeCool Sun 23-Feb-14 08:08:05

So he loves you and has no feelings for this girl. Yet his response to being alone and bored was an affair.

What other scenarios in your future can you see where might be bored/stressed/alone/tired etc. You know what his response could be even if he loves you shock. Can you move forward under such a cloud? Are you going to be on ONS alert forever?

turmoilgirl Sun 23-Feb-14 08:09:16

told him to leave when i found out, which he did, he was upset, and appeared to be in shock, don't really know what he felt .I haven't had my phone on for last 24 hrs, so don't know if he has tried to contact me, suppose i should switch it on, put scared there will be calls, but also scared they wont, I have some really important meetings this week and next, which have a huge bearing on my business. Not sure how i am going to get through them

ExcuseTypos Sun 23-Feb-14 08:32:08

It's early days and you must be in shock so don't make any decisions at the moment.

I do feel for you, my dh worked away for 5 years but came back every weekend. I found it hard but got through it as I had dc with me. It's only after dh stopped doing it that he began to talk about how awful he found being away. He was incredibly lonely, day in day out, away from home, he didn't have an affair but began drinking too much and became quite unwell. He's home now and back to himself.
I'm not excusing what your H did for a second, only you can decide how you want the relationship to go. I just wanted to say that if you do still love him and want it to work, I feel having a ONS(if that's what it was) whilst worki g on a different continent for 3 years, is slightly more forgivable (in my eyes) than if you had been living together.

I know many will disagree with me, but it's just my thoughts.

saintlyjimjams Sun 23-Feb-14 08:34:51

It doesn't sound like a ons if there are lots of calls/texts. He has to be honest with you.

Only1scoop Sun 23-Feb-14 08:36:46

Take your time and space and see how you feel in a few days....

If it were me I'd try and throw myself into the important work projects which you have this week. You don't need any extra worries with that on your plate.

It's a horrible situation for you. Mistrust is bad enough but when working in different parts of the world....

Lweji Sun 23-Feb-14 08:40:45

You do have to make some tough decisions here. Do take your time.

For one, even though there are more calls from the number, there are still many to the number. It looks more than a ons.
And he lied about it. He could have come clean and cut contact with the colleague if he regretted it.
You don't have children, so you could make a clean break. On the other hand, consider very carefully if you want to have children with this man and then find out he cheated on you again.

ageofgrandillusion Sun 23-Feb-14 09:14:03

If it was a ons, given the situation and fact that you have largely had separate lives for three years, personally I think it is forgivable. As with anything like this though, my concern would be that this is the tip of the iceberg. I would also factor in that there are no kids yet. On that basis, you have a chance to start again with somebody else.

cjel Sun 23-Feb-14 09:27:36

I don't think its irretrievable, but think you must work to have a relationship not forgive and forget. If he wants to and is doing all the running then go to counselling while living apart.Only see each other at the counsellors to begin with and have no contact outside.

Try to think of this as a blip this week so you will find it easier to concentrate on work and then give time to it when you can, You are used to him not being around so act as if hes still away. Starrt counselling on your own and When he comes back in May you will be clearer about what you would like to do.

Have you heard from him yet?

BeforeAndAfter Sun 23-Feb-14 14:23:35

Your post chimed with me as my XH was made redundant (Sep 2008) and then I started my legal studies not long after while holding down a full-time, senior job. We didn't have the challenge of the Atlantic Ocean between us but during my working day and then my studying at weekends there was little time for us to be a couple and XH started a hobby and had an affair with someone he met doing the hobby - idle hands and all that.

I found out 10 months into the affair and he lied and lied and I only found the truth by stealth snooping. He only ever came clean when I presented him with evidence of what I knew and I suspect your H is doing the same. I struggle to believe your H only had an ONS - it's more likely an "on tour" fling and once back home he'd have filed it under "what goes on tour, stays on tour". Successful cheaters are great compartmentalisers and they're the dangerous ones in my opinion.

On his current visit here, did your H behave differently, make you think that something wasn't quite right or were you blissfully unaware and having great reunion sex? If the latter then you have a compartmentaliser on your hands and need to bear that in mind.

If you are going to try and make your marriage work (I tried and threw in the towel after 3 months or so) then be prepared to be fretful when he's not around, on the PC / facebook / texting someone. When he goes to get petrol or a paper and takes 10 minutes longer than normal, you will be wondering if he's on the phone talking to her, and so it goes on.

Don't underestimate just how hard it will to make your marriage work. Your H will need to put in so much work and effort and he must show you over months and months that he's trustworthy. My XH thought that he just had to say sorry once or twice, put on his puppy-dog eyes and that he'd be forgiven. He found my subsequent and endless lack of trust totally intolerable and unreasonable - I think that's because in his eyes he was justified in screwing someone else because I'd stopped massaging his ego.

My point is, if you try to make your marriage work make sure he realises the huge huge huge commitment and effort he has to make and don't think that you will breezily go back to the relaxed, trusting wife you were in the blink of an eye.

As for your upcoming business meetings dig out your sharp suit, sassy shoes - apply your mascara and lippy, don some lovely underwear (always makes be feel fab) then it's tits out, chin up and fake it - you will make it.

Good luck. B&A x

BumPotato Sun 23-Feb-14 16:19:47

Do yourself a huge favour and cut him loose. I stayed with an unfaithful ex for a couple of years and it was soul destroying. Find someone you can trust, or enjoy being on your own, don't put yourself through the hell of being with someone who doesn't love and respect you enough.

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