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Am I just being controlling when I get so angry at this stuff...

(17 Posts)
Gettingmeback Sun 23-Feb-14 04:52:39

I'm new to MN and so happy to have found you all. I feel a little silly for posting this because there are so many more serious threads that need attention but I just get so mad... The issue is that my DH's XGf (mother of his DD) and my MIL, bitch about me behind my back. But I don't have any evidence of this, I just know they do. In addition, I bumped into said XGf at the shops last week and she completely ignored me. So the XGf has a party last night for a friend of hers, and I find out this morning that my DH has lent her some of our things for the party eg. mirror ball, some platters etc. I can't tell you how furious I was, but I also had this sinking feeling that I was being silly and should let it go. I think the issue for me is that I know they bitch about me, and then to be ignored, only to have her borrow MY stuff! I told him how I felt and he said he was sorry, that he didn't know she'd ignored me. The thing is though, if he'd known, I know he still would have lent it. I feel undermined by my DH and feel like he doens't have my back. Any thoughts? Is he a pleaser without any balls? This is my fear.

AgentProvocateur Sun 23-Feb-14 05:07:52

The issue is that my DH's XGf (mother of his DD) and my MIL, bitch about me behind my back. But I don't have any evidence of this, I just know they do.

Your DH sounds like a nice guy, helping out the mother of his child. You, on the other hand, sound like you're paranoid and need to help with your anger if your DH lending some things makes you furious.

PrincessSophieSoph Sun 23-Feb-14 05:15:17

What makes you think they bitch about you?! Did the MIL XGF get on well? Maybe that's making you feel insecure, if you and MIL don't get on well?! I'm speculating here....
XGF shouldn't have ignored you, but people are childish, try not together too hung up on that IMO, rise above it!
DH probably should have mentioned it to you, but if he's anything like mine, he has a brain like a sieve?!

FreakinScaryCaaw Sun 23-Feb-14 05:16:08

If it were my dh I'd have preferred him to mention lending the things. But then again I like his exdw so wouldn't have been so bothered.

Let them get on with it. As long as you trust dh and your family are happy you shouldn't be bothered about the ex and exmil.

FreakinScaryCaaw Sun 23-Feb-14 05:16:53

Oh sorry just realised it's your MIL. Do you have to see her much?

Gettingmeback Sun 23-Feb-14 05:37:42

I only have to see her as much as I choose to. DH doesn't expect me to if I'm not up for it. He is a very good guy. I don't think the issue is so much that it is his X, its more the ignoring and general poor treatment of me that is upsetting and getting upset about borrowing things is probably where I focus my hurt.
Princess - MIL and XGf didn't get along until I came on the scene! I've heard some comments and things which is how I know they don't talk about me very nicely because I know I just heard the tip of the iceberg!

Thanks for your feedback. DH does forget to tell me a lot of stuff because he's pretty easy going. Note to self, don't be so hard on him smile

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 23-Feb-14 05:42:04

I don't think you're being controlling but I do think that, by getting so angry, you risk your DH 'forgetting' to tell you stuff. Easy going sounds more like he's rather weak and avoids conflict. Openness is vital and he also has to stick up for you where his mother is concerned.

FreakinScaryCaaw Sun 23-Feb-14 05:49:49

How odd they get along better now?

Gettingmeback Sun 23-Feb-14 05:50:33

BTW probably should have provided more background rather then say I have no evidence. I meant that things that have occurred are never in front of my DH. AgentP I didn't post thinking I was justified, I posted questioning my reaction as it feels over the tp to me as well.

mathanxiety Sun 23-Feb-14 05:51:04

You are letting things you have hardly any evidence of get under your skin and 'knowing' things that are happening without any evidence, and also predicting what your OH would have done IF or DESPITE...

If you are worried about where you stand with your DH and whether you are some sort of second class citizen in the IL family, then you need to get him on his own and talk reasonably about your fears or your insecurity. Tell him you get the feeling your MIL talks about you with EXGf and how you feel about that. Tell him you want to be on good terms with his mum and ask him to put in a good word about you. Tell him how you feel about having your things farmed out without your knowledge -- does it contribute to the feeling that you are not important? Ask him to ask you in future on the offchance you have plans for them, and because they are not completely his to offer to other people.

What I am hearing in all of this is that you have been hurt here, and do not like being placed in 'second best' position. Once your DH has provided reassurance, try not to get so bothered. Maybe his mother is not worth your time and energy? Maybe the EXGf will find someone else and drift off?

Gettingmeback Sun 23-Feb-14 05:54:27

Freakin I haven't really understood it either. There were a couple of GFs between me and this X so its not like I was next in line to this one. And when I first started seeing DH, his DM used to try and get me to engage in nasty conversation about the X which I wouldn't do. It confuses DH too because his DM could never stand her until I came along. Then they became BFFs!

FreakinScaryCaaw Sun 23-Feb-14 09:36:59

Your MIL has issues, simple as that. The ex would probably be ok but MIL will be stirring.
If it were me I'd try to just tolerate her and see her as little as possible,but not slag her off to your dh. It gets easier.

JoinYourPlayfellows Sun 23-Feb-14 12:20:37

I wouldn't be happy if my husband lent my things to people without asking me.

Or if he lied to me all the time but pretended he was just forgetful and "easy going".

No, it doesn't sound like he does have your back.

He sounds weak and selfish like most "anything for an easy life" people.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Sun 23-Feb-14 15:48:06

Well it is unreasonable of him to lend out your stuff without asking. I hope you get it all back, but this isn't just about party items is it.

There will be years of this to come, as you two are an item. His DD will be part of his life so if you and the ex gf and MIL start a vendetta it won't be easy. Don't give any ill-feeling oxygen, never speak ill of them. Remember, DH isn't with her, he's with you, even though he and ex had a child together. He went out with a couple of other women before meeting you, but he committed to you and married you.

You might not trust the ex gf, but has he given you any cause not to trust him? As for MIL, whatever she has to say on the subject, they weren't right for each other. When matters arise concerning the ex and MIL, you all need to be adults and work things out in the best interests of the DD. Otherwise, you and DH should work at supporting each other.

MistressDeeCee Sun 23-Feb-14 16:08:25

You dont have any evidence of XGF/MIL bitching but something's made you feel that way and I tend not to think its anything to do with the paranoia women are often accused of..its more to do with men allowing the XGFs to be passengers in the relationship, being way too 'close' which then upsets current partner. I get that DD will always be a part of his life and thats as it should be; his XGF doesnt need to be to any great extent though. Theyre co-parents no longer in a relationship. Your DH should have told you he was lending out your stuff. & I can see why you dont like that, I would hate it if people wanted to use me/my things but didnt want to speak to me. Its a cheek. I always wonder about role reversal in these such men would be if it were their DW with an XB hanging around too close to their relationship

mathanxiety Sun 23-Feb-14 20:03:27

Your MIL sounds like hard work. It also sounds as if your H is more under her influence than he should be, since he loaned the trays to the exgf without asking you. She is 'in' with MIL and he recognises that. You don't matter since you are in MIL's doghouse. I don't think this is a case of him being still attached to exgf -- it's a case of him not upsetting people who are favoured by his mother.

Having a 'difficult' mother often makes men 'easygoing' and inclined to be 'forgetful' when it comes to what is due to their wives.

I think you are justified, actually, in being angry. But showing anger is not going to get you the result you want, which is for your H to always show that you come first with him.

haveyourselfashandy Sun 23-Feb-14 21:56:51

You need to distance yourself from your mil,she sounds like she has issues.
If I was in your situation I wouldn't be happy about DP lending ex my stuff.It's called loyalty and it doesn't sound like your DH's lies with you.
Agree with Mistress and math,hope your DH listens to you.

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