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how can I make a decision that affects everyone and is selfish?

(9 Posts)
hadenough2014 Sat 22-Feb-14 23:05:05

Hi, I am a regular but have namechanged to avoid rl stress.

I have been with my ' dp' for 14 yrs, we have 3ds's 10, 6 and nearly 4.
We've had our fair share of ups and downs, we've had a few breaks but got on really well apart and ended up back together.

I am unhappy, we have no sex life and what we have had has never been anything other than disappointing and painful for me. No affection and we don't talk. He is not interested in me. I try to keep everything together and everyone happy but it's making me miserable.

I grew up in a lone parent situation and have done everything I can to keep our relationship going for the dc.
I had resigned myself to putting up and shutting up but I'm lonely and frustrated.

The difficult thing is I'm feeling like a selfish cow. Is it fair to put my wants first over my boys? They adore him.

Is it normal after so many yrs together for things to be a bit stale? Is crap sex, lack of affection and communication good enough reasons to shatter a family? It feels like such flimsy reasoning?

Views needed pls

milkysmum Sat 22-Feb-14 23:13:26

No words of wisdom- I wish I did. I am in a similar situation to you in some ways and have a constant debate in my head as to whether I want to stay with dh. My dc's are 5 and 2.

Prettykitty111 Sat 22-Feb-14 23:13:36

If you are unhappy then you have every reason to leave. One of those problems you could deal with I.e crap sex could be fixed with communication, communication could be poor if there is still affection but with those three I don't see how you could make this different. You deserve to be happy and although your dcs love him they are learning about relationships from you two. Surely happy mum and dad separate is better than unhappy mum and dAd together even if you don't argue. Only you can say what you should do but I would suggest counselling and if he doesn't want to then there's your answer

hadenough2014 Sat 22-Feb-14 23:21:12

Yes I suggested counselling once before, he said no.

I have told him lots of times what I'd like in bed but he won't do it or does it too hard or half heartedly that it's worse than not doing it. I miss the intimacy and fun of sex with someone who cares. I get a few prods here and there and straight into full on sex, sorry tmi, and end up in agony all day as it hurts me.

I feel a bit like I'm not sure what is normal, I had no relationship role models as a child. My mum was always single, alone and very anti men

AmazingJumper Sat 22-Feb-14 23:46:28

An unhappy mother is a horrible burden.

Effic Sun 23-Feb-14 00:07:13

I was in the exact same place as you. 15 years together, 10 years married with 1 DS (10yo). Can't put my finger on why but somehow in the last 2 /3 years we ended up as people who live alongside each other in the same house. We only talked about our DS, and domestic arrangements and organisation, had little social life - we even got to the stage where we couldn't be bothered to go out for a meal on birthdays/special occasions. Sporadic sex life etc. He is a great dad & sort of pulls his weight round the house. I decided to leave in august. Nothing precipitated the decision - no rows or no one else involved. Just a profound sense from me that life was too short to be living it that way - almost on autopilot! So I left ...... and caused huge upset to H and DS. It was/is the most selfish thing I have ever done because it is all about me.
So was it worth it......
Well - I am now living in tiny rented two bed flat instead of huge 6 bed house. Although i earn good money - I have to be careful now as my wages are all I've got (my choice). DS seems ok but would obviously prefer things back the ways they were. After a mad three months, partying every night, have discovered just how small my social circle actually is and most of my friends are married so, after initial period where everyone was rallying around, I actually now spend most nights on my own even when DS with dad. Had disastrous 6 week fling with awful man who pretended I was the girl of his dreams, bombarded me with texts,calls etc until I agreed to date him then buggered off the moment he had got me in to bed torpedoing my self confidence. And my grand plans to do interesting, exciting stuff ...... well I can't find anyone to do it with and have no clue how I will ever meet anyone so I am resigned to being on my own for a long time.
Do I regret it......no. It's so bloody hard ..... And am still terrified that I will end up mad old spinster with cats however I still believe that life is for living, things will get better and I want to be able to say I have tried everything possible to live my life to the full and be happy?!! (I hope)
Sorry long rambling reply - probably not helpful but honest

Prettykitty111 Sun 23-Feb-14 00:15:39

Well If he won't try counselling then that's my answer. If he cared enough he would go to make you happy even if he didn't believe anything was wrong. Every body if different. Me and DP rarely have sex (not enough for me anyway) and he is not an affectionate person BUT I know he loves me and I know he tries. The difference I can tell him if I want something and he will try.
I know it seems like there is nothing bad enough on its own that you can say you had to leave but imagine your life in 14 years time. Really think about it. The kids have grown up, LO is off to Uni. They may come round every weekend but most of the time it just the two of you living like you are now. How does that make you feel?

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 23-Feb-14 05:35:48

It's not selfish to want a normal, happy life, no. Fourteen years means it's not some snap decision arrived at frivolously. 'Put up and shut up' is simply demeaning and if you think your DCs are unaffected by the environment at home, think again. Growing up with parents in an unhappy relationship is very stressful... arguably more stressful than growing up with a lone parent.

NoArmaniNoPunani Sun 23-Feb-14 06:21:09

This is the kind of relationship my parents had when I was growing up. I used to wish they would split up. Your kids can see more than you think. Luckily I didn't follow the pattern but my older brother did and his marriage is just like the one our parents modelled for us. I feel very sad for his DCs.

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