Husband has scared me - is this to do with drink withdrawal?

[NickNameChangedForThis]

Husband and I have been together 10years, two dc.

Very recently he acknowledged and sought help for his drinking. The GP has said he wasn't an alcoholic but was a problem drinker. He advised him to not drink 3 days a week, and moderately drink the rest of the days (within the units allowed).

This worried me as I felt that a) he wasn't entirely honest with the GP as to how much a problem drink was becoming and b) it would become a case of him thinking he could drink as much as he wanted in those days.

Anyway, today he had 2-3 glasses of wine with his dinner. The first drink he had in a week. And he has become a nasty nasty person.

He started a row with me, said some very vicious things.

It started because I asked him if he could sit with me for an hour tonight instead of playing on his computer. He's either out drinking with friends or his head is turned away from us (me and the children) playing on his PC games. I asked for one hour together tonight.

He flipped and we had a tremendous row. He was so seething at one point I thought he was going to hit me. He did but he was spitting at me (not deliberately) but he was shaking with anger and raised his hands to me. I literally have run away upstairs.

He bought things up I had no idea he felt that way about - we never see his friends (he only has drinking buddies, we have a baby and toddler) plus he never arranges anything anyway. He's angry at me because 2 years ago I didn't show I was having enough fun at his friend wedding. I was feeling ill, I was 22 weeks pregnant at the time and they had a drinks reception that last 5 hours, where only drink was served and no food not even canapés until dinner, so I was standing - there was no seating - for 5 hours drinking orange juice. Eventually I felt faint and almost collapsed and someone bought me some bread to tide me over until dinner was served. I was anaemic during both pregnancies.

Another time he's angry at me about which came out tonight was a time we went to his friends out for a BBQ. I was 8 months pregnant at the time (and dc2 was very big - 99th centile). It was the hottest day of the year, last summer remember the heat wave? And his friends had no shade in their garden so we were out int he direct sunlight for a few hours. I was running around looking after toddler whilst heavily pregnant stood in the direct sunlight for 4 hours, again felt miserable. I was polite but was feeling irritable and not great. I was also working FT up until 8.5 months, so I barely got any rest as it was.

Sorry I'm rambling, anyway, all this has come out tonight and I have no idea where it has all come from?

Could it be a drink withdrawal thing? Was it because he drank for the first time today in a week? Is it me? Was I wrong for asking him to spend an hour with me this evening?

Please I am genuinely shocked as to what happened and why this has happend.

Thank you for reading my rambling.

[Whatnamenext]

Blimey he sounds awful. I can't bear anyone that brings up shit from the past in an argument anyway; never mind spitting and shaking with rage.

Whether or not it's drink withdrawal he sounds like a bad character.

What do you think is going on?

[NickNameChangedForThis]

Sorry that should read he didn't hit me.

[Jollyphonics]

Of course you weren't wrong to ask him to send some time with you rather than on the computer.

Is there a chance he's drinking in secret, and has actually consumed a lot more than you think?

[NickNameChangedForThis]

Thank you for replying what I literally can't see what I'm typing half the time through my tears....erm I think this maybe him lashing out at me for taking his precious drink away? I don't know. It all came out of nowhere.

Please tell me, was ii unfair to ask for him to sit with me for an hour tonight? He usually eats his dinner sat in front of his computer with his back to us.

[NickNameChangedForThis]

I don't know jolly this week was the first time he came home everyday after work for the first time ever one solid week in a row. I think maybe he's resentful for that?

[NickNameChangedForThis]

Who could I speak with professionally to get some helped support?

[Jux]

He does sound awful. Do you have the same gp? If so, go and see the gp yourself, and tell him you have a problem with your dh's drinking, and then tell him all about it exactly. That way the gp will know better what sort of an effect this drinking is having on both of you, and can ask more pertinent questions next time he sees dh and better advise him.

You need the gp to find help for you too. You are both adversely affected by his boozing, as are your children.

[Whatnamenext]

Yeah I wondered that about secret drinking prior to dinner.

I drink wine with dinner. I never start ranting and raving.

As for sitting with you... I'd say definitely not unfair but guessing he thinks it's too much pressure???

[NickNameChangedForThis]

That's what I believe but he said the GP said if you go without alcohol for 3 days in a row you an never be classed as an alcoholic. He said he was following his gps advice. I don't know what else to do.

He didn't want me at the appointment with him. Our surgery had 5-6 different gps so I don't know who he saw.

I feel so lost. How can I please get help? Have no family for support btw.

[Thumbwitch]

Frankly it sounds like he normally has his alcohol response under better control, but has lost that somewhat thanks to having the break. And as a result, his inhibitions have been completely loosened, so he's just let rip at you.

What he said was pathetic, selfish and completely unreasonable, as any sane normal person would know. It might be "the drink talking" but quite often that is just saying what the person really thinks.

In which case, he's not a very nice person at all - and yes, if not an actual alcoholic, well on the way to being one.

Maybe you should go to AlAnon (for the families of alcoholics - you do qualify) and see how others have dealt with this.

[Whatnamenext]

It's easy for us to say gather your things and LTB but honestly we don't have to live with him. Where is he now?

What will he say in the morning?

[Thumbwitch]

Ah, xposted. What he's told you is pure shit. You can be an alcoholic if you only drink at weekends - it's the inability to stop once you start that is the problem, not how often you drink (I had a friend who did this, his doctor told him he was most definitely an alcoholic). I think the weekend sort might qualify for the "functional alcoholic" label, but I'm not sure.
Lots of people still think you have to drink through the day, every day, to be an actual alcoholic - but that's not the only type of alcoholic. Your H will be using it as a good excuse to not accept that he is one, though.

[Thumbwitch]

Actually, I've read your posts a little more thoroughly now - what do YOU get out of this relationship? Sounds like he ignores you most of the time!

[Jollyphonics]

I'm a GP and either his GP is very ill-informed about alcoholism, or your DH is lying. It's perfectly possible to be an alcoholic and still go 3 days in a row without drinking.

What's he like normally? Are you ever able to have a calm rational discussion about things? Will you be able to tell him tomorrow how much his behaviour tonight scared you? Do you feel in danger right now?

I would speak to AA on Monday, he sounds like an alcoholic to me, and they will be able to give you good advice.

[LayMeDown]

Like bollix the GP said that to him. He was forced to admit a drinking problem. He made up some bullshit for you so he could continue drinking. His thinking was 'I don't have a problem, ill just cut back'. I bet he didn't even go to the GO, or if he did he didn't tell him the truth.
quietly has it right. He can't stop thinking of having another drink. He's consumed with resentment that he has had to cut back. He's blaming you for being a bore so can justify continuing to drink to himself.
He's an alcoholic and a nasty bullying one to boot

[wyrdyBird]

Speechless

I suspect drink withdrawal is a red herring, though that may make his underlying abusive attitude worse.

He's angry at you for feeling faint and ill while pregnant, and not showing you were having fun?? Why wasn't he trying to help you and make you comfortable at the time? You wouldn't leave a neighbour to fend for herself in such discomfort, never mind a loved one.

If anyone ought to be angry about these events, it's you, at being left to manage and not cared for by him.

No, it wasn't unfair to ask him to sit with you at all. Because of his seething resentment about the above incidents, I think there is more to this than an alcohol problem, by a long way.

[Thumbwitch]

Have a read of this:
What is an Alcoholic? - it might help.

[YouAreMyRain]

He may be classed as alcoholic/alcohol dependent/heavy drinker the label doesn't matter. What matters is his behaviour. Totally unacceptable.

I also recommend al anon.

The eating his dinner while playing the computer sounds like another way of distancing himself.

Being married to someone with alcohol problems is very lonely .

[NickNameChangedForThis]

Thank you all so much for helping me and not just telling me to LTB. He said his GP told him he wouldn't "qualify" for AA, I get the impression he very much downplayed the problem to the doctor which is why the GP gave him the advice he did.


I don't know what he'll say in the morning .

I have something to confess though and felt ashamed to post it in my OP. While we were rowing and he was saying that stuff to me I was so angry I took his headphones from his computer and smashed them against the wall - I threw them against the wall and they smashed.

Did I provoke a justifiable response? I'm sorry for not being entirely honest earlier. I'm ashamed I lost my rag. I'm tired, ill all the time, looking after 2 small dc essentially alone, deal with all our finances, potty training toddler etc and I just wanted an hour to spend with him when he has spent all day / every bit of spare time with his back to us playing online games.

[NickNameChangedForThis]

Plus this morning I took toddler out for 3 hours while the baby slept, so he played 3 solid hours of computer games then. He gets angry still me because I ask him to get dressed in the morning, he would happily sit in pjs fri to mon morning. This means I'm the one left to take the children out, do the shopping run errands etc.

[wyrdyBird]

So you're ill, dealing with all the financial business for your family, looking after your DC essentially alone....and he drinks and plays games ?

[LayMeDown]

Qualify for AA? Anyone can go to AA. There isn't a fucking entrance exam. He's lying through his teeth. You shouldn't be surprised alcoholics are accomplished liars.
I don't blame you for smashing the headphones. He's dragging you into a dysfunctional dynamic. You are not in a healthy relationship.