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Would you warn her?

(40 Posts)
FinallyCanHearMyselfThink Sat 22-Feb-14 15:54:11

My STBXH is seeing a woman with children, and he has told her our separation was amicable. I actually kicked him out because of emotional and physical abuse directed at our DCs and myself. He says it every time he visits the DCs (supervised contact only), talking about how "amicable" we are being, when actually it's just me walking on egg shells trying to get the visit over and done with, as I've had to make him leave early quite a few times due to aggressive and nasty behaviour.

He claims they have only been seeing each other for a few weeks (although I suspect it has been much longer), but that they are going to move in together. He hasn't even told his family the truth about why we separated, so they wouldn't be able to tell her.

I'm torn. He would know exactly who it came from (I know her name and could message her on FB). And honestly, if I told her and she disregarded it, I wouldn't be offended, as obviously it's her choice. But I would hate to see someone else get put through what we did.

Would you warn her? Or just stay out of it? I don't want to look like the jealous ex here, as the main reason I'm concerned is because she has a number of children, and it was our children that the most aggressive behaviour was aimed at. Then of course I'm worried about the obvious shit storm that will come down on me if he finds out I've told her. That will not be pretty.

YouStayClassySanDiego Sat 22-Feb-14 16:01:48

I wouldn't say anything although I would be concerned for her kids as you know what a tool he is.

There's every chance she won't believe you anyway and he'll be even more vile to you.

EBearhug Sat 22-Feb-14 16:02:03

How do you know he told her your separation was amicable? That might affect how I would respond. He told the DCs?

I think she probably ought to be aware of why you split up, particularly because of the children. I also think it shouldn't be you who tells her, if possible. (So that's helpful...)

KinderBoris Sat 22-Feb-14 16:03:03

Do you think she will believe you? Or think you are the stereotypical bitter ex wife? This opens you up to a backlash from him also, I think it would probably be better coming from someone else but she does need to know because of her children. Do you have any evidence of his behaviour, were the police ever involved etc? Is this why he only has supervised visits?

tinyturtletim Sat 22-Feb-14 16:03:12

Stay out of it. She will discover for herself.

You will load his ammunition for him if you do

Weliveinabeautifulworld Sat 22-Feb-14 16:04:31

Couldn't you find a way of getting him to show his true colours in front of her?

FinallyCanHearMyselfThink Sat 22-Feb-14 16:05:26

He has told EVERYONE that it was amicable. He refuses to admit he has been abusive at all. Hitting your children is simply disciplining them. Shouting and swearing at them is making them follow rules. And he reiterates to me that our separation was for amicable reasons every single time he is here. It's like this weird gaslighting thing where he's trying to convince me. The few times I contradicted him on it, he went off at me, so now I just ignore it.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 22-Feb-14 16:07:20

Does this woman have children?

louby44 Sat 22-Feb-14 16:08:08

I'm in a similar situation to you. But would she believe you. Would you have believed a woman who told you stuff about your DP when you first met him? I don't think I would have.

I think you need to keep quiet.

FunkyBoldRibena Sat 22-Feb-14 16:08:44

'See, it's so amicable she is making up stories to get me back' *rolleyes

YouStayClassySanDiego Sat 22-Feb-14 16:08:52

Continue to ignore him and hope she sees the light and tells him to sling his hook.

In this case look after yourself and your kids.

HanselandGretel Sat 22-Feb-14 16:09:03

Yes, if only to give her the chance to make an informed decision. But if you could find a way of not doing it directly it would be better, it may come across as you being vindictive and like you say it would make your ex go ballistic or whatever. The key point is you are concerned that he may be a risk to this new woman's children, if it were me I'd like to know this about a new partner.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 22-Feb-14 16:14:58

Sorry, should have read more carefully. As she has children, I would suggest that you do contact her. She probably won't believe you and yes he'll probably be twice as nasty as he already is but her kids are sitting ducks and at least you'd have a clean consciences. BTW You have to question the intelligence of a mother that would throw in her lot with someone who has had to go supervised access with their own DCs. Courts don't make that arrangement when everything's 'amicable'.

Are SS involved in his case? Police?

FinallyCanHearMyselfThink Sat 22-Feb-14 16:23:34

yes, I can see it would just make me look like a jealous ex. And I'm not. I have nothing against her at all. To be fair, if I did despise her (for what reason, I don't know, she really means nothing to me as I don't know her personally) I'd simply sit back and wait, as I know his behaviour will show up eventually.

It's stupid, yes I just feel badly for her children. As I said, he just didn't cope with the DCs well at all, and he only got aggressive with me when I stepped in between him and the DCs. I probably wouldn't even consider contacting her if she had no children IYSWIM.

Stupidly I didn't make a police report - I just made sure he wasn't alone with the DCs until I could get out, although medical professionals have been aware of the situation for quite some time, long before I kicked him out. It has been logged with SS, as I discussed the situation months ago with a different medical professional who immediately said "I need to report this to SS as a safeguarding issue, it will help protect you and the DCs in the long run."

I guess I'm going to have to keep quiet. If she contacts me for any reason, I will tell her. I will not lie for him. But there is really nobody else that I know that will tell her - his family all back him, mainly because he's lied to them as well.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 22-Feb-14 16:26:25

Wouldn't SS pick up the baton here? If you contacted them and told them he was moving in with a mother and was worried about her children, wouldn't they take it seriously and check it out? If he was that vicious with his own kids, hers are lambs to the slaughter.

FinallyCanHearMyselfThink Sat 22-Feb-14 16:29:21

Cogito That's a good idea. I planned on ringing them anyway next week (once DCs are back in school) and asking them about ways to make contact visits less of a land mine (long story) for me and the DCs, so that might be a good time to mention it to them. Then they can either follow up on it or not, as they see fit.

If she already has children, it's slightly different to having children with someone because you can't know what they are like until the children actually arrive.

It's a good thing in a way that she has DC because he will give away, in small words, the ways he says things and general attitude, how he feels about children in general. If she's inclined to notice this then she will. If she's inclined to be blind towards it, then it's very likely she'd also disregard you saying anything as a "jealous ex" comment.

mrssmith79 Sat 22-Feb-14 16:31:57

IMO advice from exes is never welcome. He's not your problem anymore so personally I'd steer well clear and get on with rebuilding your own life with DCs.

NigellasDealer Sat 22-Feb-14 16:33:00

I would not, she will not thank you and will just think you are being jealous and bitter.
slightly different I know but it is like when my newly widowed stepfather remarried, after about 6 months i had his stbexw on the phone wailing 'why didnt you telllll meeeeeeee'.
I said, well you wouldnt have thanked me at the time would you? and she agreed, the poor good woman.

findingherfeet Sat 22-Feb-14 16:35:00

I'd proceed with caution, it could make life harder for you and your children and she is unlikely to believe you.....

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 22-Feb-14 16:36:03

Nine times out of ten, when some poor baby is in the newspapers because it's been battered to death in the home, it's rarely the birth father that's done it. Usually it's the vicious new boyfriend.

This is everyone's problem.

FinallyCanHearMyselfThink Sat 22-Feb-14 16:36:27

True Bertie. Honestly, he has been online "friends" with her for a few years, chatting with her online through a game, so I suspect the last couple years we were together that there was an emotional affair going on with her. But oddly at this point, I'm so relieved I don't have to deal with the daily aggressive and abusive behaviour that I honestly don't care one bit if there was or not. It does explain some of his behaviour and the way he emotionally checked out of the marriage, tbh.

So I've kind of disregarded some of what he's said, as he's telling me they've been "together" for around 3 weeks and are planning on moving in together and is going to meet her parents next week. If this is true, then she is moving at a superfast speed and is likely to disregard anything that I might say to her, but SS is another matter altogether. She might listen to them. Again, even if she decides to stay with him, at least it would provide her with the information so she can be on guard about her children around him.

IslaValargeone Sat 22-Feb-14 16:37:18

I'd have said stay out of it, but she may not know he has supervised access? so as she has kids I'd probably be inclined to make sure she was in the know.

FinallyCanHearMyselfThink Sat 22-Feb-14 16:38:20

Cogito I think your suggestion is a good idea and will be doing that. As SS is already aware of our situation, when I ring them next week to talk to them about contact visits, I will mention this situation and let them decide if it anything needs to be done.

FinallyCanHearMyselfThink Sat 22-Feb-14 16:39:45

Thanks. I feel better at least knowing I've not just thrown this woman's children into the fire anyway. God, things get complicated, don't they?

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