Talk

Flip

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

I am confused....I need advice

10 replies

iamtoooldforallofthis · 22/02/2014 15:29

Late last year my husband, who is normally a very attentive affectionate man started to withdraw from me. We have been together 5 1/2 years it's a second marriage for both of us and we both have grown up children. He had been in the habit of telling me he loved me frequently. But I noticed that he hadn't done this for a while and that he was not being his normal tactile self so I started asking him if he still loved me...I was deeply shocked when he eventually said that he didn't. I am an extremly busy person and he works shifts. We had not done anything nice togethor for a long time but i had been too busy to notice. He was doing the lions share of cleaning washing and tidying up. I am very disorganised and create a whirl ofess everywhere i go....He has since been diagnosed with depression which he is receiving treatment for. He said it was not possible to work things out although I desperately wanted to. We were still living together. I told him he had to work to put it right or move out and I arranged to go to relate with him. At relate he was very clear that he didn't love me and saw no way back from that. On Thursday night I made a suicide attempt (please don't judge-i too have a history of mental illness and just was in hell). He had a house to move into (which I hadn't known about- I can understand why he hadn't told me before he could move in) and has now gone. I told him that I have realised that what I can't change I have to accept and I will make this as easy as possible for both of us. He said he would like to be friends. He came this morning to take some things and I went with him to look at his new house. He is being very affectionate. He is kissing me and cuddling me and keeps saying he doesn't want me to die. I am very confused. Is it possible to rekindle our relationship?

OP posts:

Report

Coelacanth · 22/02/2014 16:08

I'm sorry this has happened OP. I'm assuming you have been seen by a health professional?

I think given what you say about your H it's unlikely he wants to reconcile with you. It sounds like he may have been struggling with this for some time before he told you the truth and then he reiterated it in counselling. If I had to hazard a guess, his request to remain friends is due to feeling guilty for having left you. I think in the circumstances it's too soon for you to be able to be friends, much too soon, but that doesn't mean you have to be enemies either. He does need to give you space though.

Secondly, he sounds terrified that you might complete a suicide attempt and is probably trying to prevent it by demonstrating some affection and concern for you which sounds genuine to me (from your post).

I'm so sorry you have felt so desperate and I hope you have some RL support, family and friends to get you through this.

Report

tinyturtletim · 22/02/2014 16:08

I think that before you can think of rekindling the relationship you need to deal with your individual mental health issues.

A suicide attempt is not something to be glossed over. You need proper help, such as staying in a mental health unit for counselling and proper medication to be arranged for you. What happened when you attempted did you go to hospital?

I think your husband needs space, if suffering with depression he needs time for medication to work and a chance to have some breathing space alone.

You need to stay away for a while. Establish separate ways of dealing with your issues instead of laying each others pressure on each other.

Report

iamtoooldforallofthis · 22/02/2014 16:18

I was discharged from hospital.

OP posts:

Report

sisterofmercy · 22/02/2014 16:39

I think he was being affectionate because he was relieved that he'd finally acted on his need to break up with you. He is also relieved that you are still here. It sounds like he likes you as a friend and in the long term he could possibly be a good friend.

However, right now this is confusing you and very, very painful. He needs to give you some space so you can work this out an learn to be independent again. Once you are, you may be able to have a new relationship with each other. But now now, it's too mixed up.

Report

Logg1e · 22/02/2014 17:48

I don't think he is trying to rekindle a relationship with you, but trying to build a friendship. After your suicide attempt he's bound to feel worried and perhaps conflicted - he'll want to be happy but he won't want you to hurt yourself.

Report

MillyBlods · 22/02/2014 17:51

What sort of kissing was it OP

Report

iamtoooldforallofthis · 22/02/2014 19:31

It was proper kissing milyblods

OP posts:

Report

MillyBlods · 22/02/2014 20:59

Well proper passionate kissing is very confusing for you, isn't it. Men!!!
I think its too early to judge what is happening in his head yet. You will have to just get on with your life and see what unfolds. But you do need to sort out why you decided to make a cry for help the other night .

Report

RandomMess · 22/02/2014 21:03

Do you have any good friends/family that can give you support in RL - I think that would be more beneficial than leaning back on your ex.

I am so sorry that you are feeling so low, the boundaries between you both are becoming blurred again which isn't good for you.

Report

iamtoooldforallofthis · 22/02/2014 22:29

I do have really good friends in real life...and family whoare amazing....I am very blessed I rrealise that....but I love him so.....and hope with all my heart that it has been his depression.