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My ex

(8 Posts)
Suicidal5833 Sat 22-Feb-14 10:12:38

He regularly beat me and he raped me but what hurts the most is the mental abuse he inflicted on me. I have a pychotic mental illness and he used it telling me things didn't happen when I'm sure they did. Saying I'd be nothing without him and that I needed him to keep me in line. He also used to pretend I was seeing things he didn't want me to see like when I caught him taking drugs he pretended afterwords that I was pychotic and seeing things. Now I'm so messed up I don't know what was real and what wasn't. He also denies raping me and said I had to be treated tough because of mental health problems. At the time I was in I un diagnosed but he knew I saw and heard things and he knew I was mentally ill but he told me instant tell anyone or they would lock me up.

If I wanted to go out he would play on my paranoia to make me do what he wanted saying that people were waiting to rape me and I mustn't go out and people would know I was I'll and lock me up.

That only he could take care of me and protect me and that he had to beat me in order to control my mental illness.

tallwivglasses Sat 22-Feb-14 10:19:40

Well thank god he's your ex! I hope you're no contact. Are you taking medication or receiving counselling?

Is there anyone in rl you can talk to? Have you thought of going on the freedom programme?

Well done for getting out.

Suicidal5833 Sat 22-Feb-14 10:24:29

Yes I am treated and medicated now but I still have trouble discerning what is real and what is not with regards to our relationship. I only went out with him two years but it's two years of my life I'm completely oblivious about what the hell happened and I feel I need to know to deal and move on. Yes we are no contact.

tallwivglasses Sat 22-Feb-14 10:53:37

I think we can safely say that what's real is he was an expert gaslighter, abusive bastard, rapist and control freak.

Okay, you had episodes but the above was real - I assume you had pain and bruises at the time? And you're clear about things he said and how he prevented you from going out?

Some of it will be a blur because often when we're in emotional pain we protect ourselves by going to a different place in our heads - if that makes sense. I honestly think you need to talk to someone about this. Rape Crisis might be a good place to start.

You're really brave to start confronting this - it will get better.

Suicidal5833 Sat 22-Feb-14 11:01:58

Thanks yes I had bruises he never denied beating me he addmitted it was because I needed to be controlled when I was I'll and made to do the cleaning and stuff. Plus I needed to learn not to be a slag. He only denies the rape And drug use.

HandbagCrazy Sat 22-Feb-14 12:34:55

What a vile man. He took advantage of your illness in the most disgusting way. Have you tried writing down what you can remember? That may help you work your way through it, but also, think logically about it. If the things he said you imagined were always things that would make you see him as the monster he is, then he was most likely lying. Rape is a serious crime - it would be much better for him for you to think you imagined it than facing that it happened and possibly reporting him. He has a lot to gain from making you think these things didnt happen. But a man who can beat you to "get you under control and make you do the cleaning" is a man who wouldnt see an issue with forcing sex.
Please dont torture yourself. If I were you, I would start by assuming most of what you remember is accurate and work through things on that basis. Contact rape crisis, and maybe see if you can get counselling as part of your mental health treatment xx

Suicidal5833 Sat 22-Feb-14 16:45:34

Thank you hangbag crazy I see a lot of logic in your post. It makes a lot of sence. Thank you very much.

Suicidal5833 Sat 22-Feb-14 17:54:27

Forgot to add I'd leave sometimes and as soon as I was I'll he would come get me and tell me I got I'll because I left and didn't have him to care for me anymore.

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