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Relationship crumbling after 2nd child, 1 year on(6 Posts)
After the birth of my 2nd dd my relationship with dp has been slowly crumbling. We fight in a daily basis about who does the most, who wakes up the most, who has the most work load. If I say I'm tired he will say that he is just as tired as he worked late. It really annoys me. The age gap between my children is small, 19 months. It's been very stressful and I've suffered with bad pnd for a 2nd time. Sec is non existent because I just don't feel in the mood at all and my dp works in the evening from home, so sex and then work isn't really my idea of romance. Money is also very tight and it's really putting a strain on our relationship. I feel so angry and pissed off at him all the time. I don't know why I get so angry but I feel as though I am mum and that's it, my day is obviously fun and exciting to him and I'm always on a jolly with my friends. Which in reality isn't true. I am everyone's slave, picking up after everyone, cooking an cleaning whilst e gets to go for glamourous business lunches etc. when I say I'm at capacity he says he is too. This just irritates the hell out of me. What can I do? I don't know how to mend my relationship. There's no sex (my fault), no affection (my fault), just stress and arguments. If anyone has any advice or experience. Any words of wisdom to say things will get better.
In my last relationship, my partner used to be the same. If I said I had a hard day he would try and out trump me with the hardness of his day. It is so tedious and wearing to be in competition with someone on this level.
You really need to make time to talk to each other about this. And make time to do things together as a couple. Even if it is just finding time in the day to go for a walk together, have a coffee or whatever as I know how funds can be tight.
Realistically, life will get easier, your kids will get older and be less demanding of your energy BUT will the damage have been done by then?
In a good relationship, if a person is feeling low, the other with actually acknowledge this, sympathise with this and discuss if anything can be done to help or just hold them and tell them they wish they could take away some of the stresses.
Neither if you are doing this by trying to outdo the other all the time.
There's a big difference between being upset and angry at your partner, and being upset and angry with the situation but so often the lines get blurred and the partner gets blamed.
My advice, break the cycle. Start by saying things like, 'I know you are, I can see it and if I could do anymore I would because I love you'. Simply acknowledging and reaffirming us a great start. We all like to feel appreciated and heard. It's a start.
How old is your 2nd DD? It sounds like a lot of this is not your fault, it is not helpful for him to be competitive about tiredness etc. However, you do sound a bit resentful of his working day, 'glamorous business lunches' giving me that impression. Would it suit you to work a day or two a week if you could find something? Even if it doesn't make you money (as long as it doesn't lose you any) it might give you a sense of self outside of just being a mum? As much as we all love our kids, sometimes endless cooking/washing/cleaning/tantrums/lego is enough to send the sanest person into resentment, especially if there is a bit of PND too. It might even have the bonus of helping your finances a little, which could take away a little of the financial pressure that's not helping you either.
cupcake - I have a 3 yo and 1 yo. The last year has put a massive strain on my relationship with DP. I love him so much but we are driving each other crazy at the moment. We used to NEVER argue and now bicker at each other constantly. It's a result of: lack of sleep, never ending illness, monotony of housework, his stressful job, the joys of having a toddler and the biggy not having any 'us time'. We have had 1 night out together since my 2nd DC and it's a killer relationship wise. Like you there is the competition of who's got it worse.
BUT we have now talked about it (first step of making things better I hope). And I realise I'm to blame for the lack of 'us' time as not happy to leave the kids. So I am trying to change this and organising some 'us' time. Sounds cheesy but when we do get time alone we remember that our relationship exists outside of our kids also.
The other thing I hold on to...the DC will be easier soon!!!!
Oh and I'm never having a 3rd!!!!!
Yes, it definitely sounds like you both need to regularly spend some time together away from work and children.
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