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Advise please?

(58 Posts)
EllaJayne123 Sat 22-Feb-14 08:19:38

Hello.... Am in need of some advise! I am currently 16 weeks pg and I feel completely fed up of my partner. He is the nicest man ive ever met and I love him deeply but since I've become pregnant I feel he is completely uninterested in me and the baby. The baby was completely unplanned and unexpected and when he first found out his first reaction was have an abortion or I'm leaving you. He has since got over this and I thought we were getting back on track however recently I feel completely isolated in the situation. He left me alone in the hospital as he thougt I was being rude to him, he walked out on me in a baby shop saying it was stupid to be in there and he is making me feel like crap about money. He is saving to go to America when I will be 7-8 months pg for 3 weeks with his friend. I have accepted this as was planned before I found out we were pregnant however the money situation is starting to strain our relationship. He won't move in with me until he's saved enough for America, he won't take me out or buy me anything as he is saving for America and he won't buy or save for the baby. He also says it's my job to buy the baby things as he will be the one providing for me and bubba when I'm on ML and he's working. I know this is true and appreciate he will be financially support us but feel crap at the fact he's implying he will be earning all the money and I know he will see it as HIS money not ours. He is also making comments about the pregnancy like 'oh your gunna be really fat' and 'you should exercise so your not too fat' and also about how it's gunna affect our sex life ect... He is lovely when he wants to be and I do love him I just don't know what to do anymore? When I mention anything my response is 'oh it's just your hormones' so opinions/advise are needed please!

FunkyBoldRibena Sat 22-Feb-14 08:23:16

He is gaslighting you already and preparing you for your place as little woman. I'd tell him how it is going to be or kick him out now.

Lweji Sat 22-Feb-14 08:25:49

He is NOT the nicest man you'll ever meet.
In fact he sounds like a bastard and guess what?
I think you should not move in with him. Assume you will be a single mum and leave him now.

He may suddenly grow up and see what he is missing, but I'd still be weary of ever depending on him.

You and the baby deserve better.

LittleBearPad Sat 22-Feb-14 08:26:11

you say you don't want to lose him on your other thread. But why?

He really doesn't sound very nice. He's not supporting you, he's nasty to you, he's prioritising a trip to America (a country which isn't going anywhere) over you and the things your baby will need. What does he bring to your life?

Lweji Sat 22-Feb-14 08:26:16

Or rather, do not allow him ever to move in with you.

hercules1 Sat 22-Feb-14 08:28:15

Well, he sounds a catch, not. Do you really want him as a life partner? If you do then you will have to accept he will always talk to you like shit. If not then end it now and I am sure he will be relieved. Good luck.

Lweji Sat 22-Feb-14 08:32:42

Remember that every single person may seem nice when they want to.
It's the nasty side we should pay attention to.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sat 22-Feb-14 08:39:23

How old are you and how long have you been together?. How did you meet?.

You are now seeing the real him and the real him is abusive. This is being shown all too clearly to you now by both his words and actions; this is what he is really like. He had more red flags about him than a Communist party convention!. He wanted you initially to have an abortion. He is also telling you what life will be like under his regime and its not looking good for you and your child at all. He does not give a toss for anyone but himself.

Abusers can be nice sometimes; if they were awful all the time no woman would want to be with them. He is doing the nice/nasty cycle very well but its a continuous one.

I would actually be preparing for life as a single mother because this person actually cares only about his own stupid self (along with going on holiday to the US which he also cares about more than you). I think you will need help and support and this is also where Womens Aid come in; they can and will help you here.

If this person too is actually the "nicest man" you have ever met it makes me wonder what any other relationships have been like and what you learnt about relationships when growing up. Those questions need your serious consideration now.

You say you love him. Do you yourself know what love really is?. This is clearly no example of both a mutually loving and respectful relationship; this person regards you as nothing more than someone who is really expendable to his life.

At least he has not moved in with you, he must not ever move in with you either. He likes and actively wants to keep you barefoot i.e totally dependent on him and this is probably why he had the change of mind re the abortion. A baby in his mind will keep you trapped.

Womens Aid's number is 0808 2000 247. You need outside support as well now. You cannot remain with this man any more; there is no future in this due to his abusive nature.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 22-Feb-14 09:01:29

The man is not nice, he's a pig. Tried to bully you into an abortion, goes on about how you're 'gunna' (sic) be fat, and doesn't want to support his own child financially..... hmm 'Lovely when he wants to be' = a bastard the rest of the time.

Plan for lone parenting and demote this nasty bugger to 'CSA Dad' status. You'll be far happier than putting up with more abuse.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Sat 22-Feb-14 09:04:32

My heart sank as soon as you started. I was waiting for you to tell us he's used the phrase "You trapped me". If he hasn't uttered that yet I have a feeling he soon will.

Please firm up support elsewhere. It's sad how a partner turns into Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. Or was he always hard work, demanding, underneath?

ohfourfoxache Sat 22-Feb-14 09:11:46

Ella I'm so sorry, but this "man" is a self centred, controlling wanker.

He is not a good man. He is anything but a good man.

Don't move in with him - please. You will be better off by far on your own than with him

Fairylea Sat 22-Feb-14 09:12:24

Why on earth are you putting up with this? He's truly awful and sounds a lot like my ex! I left my ex after 5 years together and when dd was 6 months old. Once the baby is here you really won't have the time or energy to put up with this rubbish, you'll need all your strength to focus on your baby. Get rid of him now. You deserve better than this.

11 years on from my ex I am now remarried and have a lovely little toddler ds as well as my older dd. My dh is caring and loving and would never behave so badly.

YouStayClassySanDiego Sat 22-Feb-14 09:12:44

He's vile, not nice at all.

He wanted you to terminate the pregnancy
He has left you alone in the hospital.
He has belittled your appearance due to pregnancy.
He is putting a 3 week trip to America ahead of you and the baby.

Forewarned is forearmed, you already can tell he's going to be a dickhead, prepare yourself for life without him as he'll let you and the baby down in the future.

whattoWHO Sat 22-Feb-14 09:16:58

I am think you should bin him. Tell him to get in touch when he's ready to be a father, and you'll then work out how he can best achieve that for your child.
I suspect you won't hear from him for a good few months which will demonstrate his commitment yo your relationship.
He might turn out to be a devoted dad, but I'd be very surprised if you end up parenting as a couple.

bobsnotmyuncle Sat 22-Feb-14 09:18:17

The only good thing I read in your post is that you don't live with him yet. I hardly ever comment on this board but it is heartening to see that you still have a chance to prevent yourself getting into the abusive and seemingly impossible situation later down the line that many find themselves.

Firstly, make sure you are not dependent on him, financially or otherwise. Contact CAB and see what you'll be entitled to as a lone parent, you might be surprised. Build up your support network, do you have family or friends close by?

He's disinterested in you and the baby? Let him go off and be the idiot man child he is and IF he decides he wants to step up, THEN you decide whether you actually gain anything from being with this twunt. My guess is you'll find you're happier being in control of your own life.

EllaJayne123 Sat 22-Feb-14 10:02:20

Thanks for all the comments. He's seen the post and is now really pissed off at me for writing it. He thinks as he took me out for valentines day that I am lying about the rest and over exaggerating on all of it. Just don't know what to do. He is nice, he'll get me a cup of tea in the morning and a massage sometimes but he's emotionally disconnected from all of it. When someone mentioned the 'you trapped me' comment my heart sunk as even this morning when he saw the post again he said it as if that was my plan all along. Need to have a long think about my relationships and just hope he's willing to step up and be a good partner and father. I hope we can make this work I really do. And in answer to someone else's comment my past history of relationships is not great, abusive manipulative assholes is the best way to sum it up. I know my partner now would never ever do to me what some of them did hence the 'nicest man I've ever met' comment. Thanks again

BitOutOfPractice Sat 22-Feb-14 10:06:56

Ella if he is the nicest man you ever met, you must've met some spectacularly shut ones. Because he is not nice at all. He's a controlling bully and hardly a man at all

BitOutOfPractice Sat 22-Feb-14 10:08:23

Ella is is an abusive manipulative arsehole.

MillyBlods Sat 22-Feb-14 10:08:24

How long have you been going out together?

BitOutOfPractice Sat 22-Feb-14 10:09:26

Oops typo. *ella he IS An abusive manipulative arsehole!

Lweji Sat 22-Feb-14 10:12:21

He is nice because he makes you tea?

And he's gaslighting now that he's seen the post. How did it happen, btw?

I don't see any redeeming features in this man. And not much to think about.

Get free and do the freedom programme to get a good chance of never ending up again with such men.

Oh and you cannot be sure he won't ever do what previous partners did. For all you know, and it does look like it may well be the case, he's only waiting for you to be dependent on him. sad

Ella, namechange and start another thread. Use private browsing or clear your history and make sure he doesn't see it.

You need advice but you can't feel safe reading it if he's going to get pissed off every time you post something negative about him.

It sounds like you have a really low opinion and expectation of men. Have you heard of the Freedom Programme?

LewisEllasboyfriend Sat 22-Feb-14 10:13:44

Hi I am Ellas boyfriend. I am very unhappy about how she has dipicted me on here. I do care about her and love her very much. I am writing this because i dont like people slagging me off or thinking badly of me especialy when its not true.
I am not uninterested in her or the baby I see her every night, make her hot water bottles, cups of tea, give her massages. Yes i wasnt happy about the baby at first and i am 21 years old so i really didnt want a baby but now i am happy about it.
Ella was very rude to me in the hospital and i couldnt take it so i left after we had the scan.
on valentines day i sent her flowers bought her a nice necklace and took her out for a meal where she had lobster and i spent £93 on this meal.
The only time ive mentioned exercising is after shes had the baby not while shes pregnant!
And yes im going to America on a holiday which was planned before we found out so i told her she should pay for the baby stuff now while i save BECAUSE when i return all of my money will be going on the rent, the baby and stuff for us. So thats fair enough dont you think?

Lweji Sat 22-Feb-14 10:16:07

Actually, no I don't think. Sorry.

Do her a favour and let her go.

Lweji Sat 22-Feb-14 10:17:45

You actually sound narcissistic as you felt the need to come here in case some strangers think badly of you.

Let Ella have her privacy.

How did you come about the thread???

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