Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

WWYD Re DH's dodgy behavior?

(161 Posts)
NotHappyWithDH Sat 22-Feb-14 07:39:21

I am a regular poster but have name changed for this just in case...

Basically I found a random condom in DH's drawer, wrapped up and hidden. I asked him about it and he said he bought a box for us to use a few years ago (when I was having contraception issues) and never told me. There were a few missing as he uses them for 'posh wanks' hmmm

I then asked him if he had anything to tell me etc, I was putting pressure on him and he admitted there was a time a few years ago when he was really attracted to some other people (in a night out situation) but they knew he was married so nothing happened (basically because they wouldn't) hmm

He did admit that he had a two day flirtation with a girl and it ended up with heavy petting & BJ outside on a night out but nothing more.

He said he sometimes carried a condom, just in case, apparently he wasn't looking for anything to happen but better to be safe if it ever did!

What the heck do I do with this! We did go through a bad patch but things have been great for the last few years and half of me just wants to forget he told me and move on, can I really do that. He didn't do a great job convincing me nothing would ever happen again.

ConfusedDotty Sat 22-Feb-14 07:45:26

Just heavy petting and a bj? Blimey, are you ok with that? The condom should be the least of your worries.

If my DP carried a condom about 'just in case' he would be out the door free to do as he wants whilst I was bagging his stuff up.

Lovevhate Sat 22-Feb-14 07:46:35

What do you do? Pretty easy. Quick his cheating, bastard arse out the door.

Twinkleandbunty Sat 22-Feb-14 07:48:11

Agree with above posters. What an entitled arse.
How would he feel if you were doing similar?
My first LTB

LSP1985 Sat 22-Feb-14 07:49:22

I must admit that I would be heart broken in your situation. I don't know what I would do.
Do you feel that it is something you could get over and not constantly worry about in the back of your mind? If not it will affect your relationship.
Maybe you should tell your DH that you are not convinced? Would he consider some marriage counselling which might help you and him both express exactly how you feel and what is going on?
Hope you are ok.

mcmooncup Sat 22-Feb-14 07:52:39

Probably the tip of the iceberg.

You can stay around and drive yourself mad or actually acknowledge your true feelings that you are UNHAPPY and make plans to leave.

procrastinatingagain Sat 22-Feb-14 07:52:39

"Just" heavy petting and a bj shock
You seem quite calm about it. Are you in n open marriage or something??

SanityClause Sat 22-Feb-14 07:54:29

You need to ask where your boundaries are, if kissing and a BJ is okay.

Do you want an "open marriage"? If so, fine, but you need to set some ground rules with him re contraception/safety from STIs etc. He also has to understand that it would work both ways.

Is this what you want, or did you sign up for monogamy? If so, I think you need to be clearer to him that that is what you expect, and if he can't do that, you both need to be free to find the kind of relationship you each want.

If you merrily go on as normal, now, you are giving him the okay to do whatever he wants in the future.

idinnehaveaclue Sat 22-Feb-14 07:57:12

Sorry, alarm bells here. 'Heavy petting and a bj' and 'sometimes carries a condom just in case'. WTF?!!!

I have worked in male dominated industries for a long time. There are a lot of good guys out there. There are also a lot of blokes who are not.

I'm married now but in my early to mid thirties I had no end of married blokes (40s upwards) sniffing around me in the off chance that I might be interested in dropping my knickers. I just used to laugh it off but it was all a bit depressing really.

I would hang back now but do some further digging in the background.

JodieGarberJacob Sat 22-Feb-14 07:57:45

This two day 'fling' - did it happen during the bad patch or since? He carries a condom just to be safe? What's wrong with the word no? And why is he encouraging these women?

idinnehaveaclue Sat 22-Feb-14 07:58:54

On second thoughts, I think I would LTB!

Cabrinha Sat 22-Feb-14 07:59:51

"A blow job... but nothing more"
Oh well that's OK then.
Seriously?!!!!
I can't believe your post is about condoms! That's the least of it.
Well, he's tested out your boundaries - and now he knows he's allowed to be prepared for sex with other women, and that you won't leave him for have his cock sucked. Nice.

I'm sorry, you must be in shock and I'm being deliberately blunt and harsh. But you need to wake up.
He's not even trying to lie about being sorry, he's just saying "yeah, I did - and I'm still carrying condoms because I will cheat on you if I feel like it".

It's one of the worst reactions I've heard on here. When you next catch him cheating, you won't be "allowed" to complain, because he told you he would. But he used a condom, so what are you complaining about?

He's is thinking two things here:
- that you won't leave him for cheating
- that it's not a risk that bothers him anyway. That's how much he loves you (Not. At.All) he doesn't care that you know he carries condoms looking for sex. You are expendable.

Don't be: enjoy the feeling of self respect when you tell him the only person he can go fuck as far as you're concerned, is himself!

Seriously - you want to stay with someone who carries condoms just in case?!!!

NotHappyWithDH Sat 22-Feb-14 08:02:30

No it's not an open marriage. I think I may be in denial about how upset I am over that episode.

The problem I have is we have been together 15yrs with 3 children so do I throw all that away? I don't know. Plus when he admitted that, admittedly under pressure after I found the condom, it was calmly when we were really trying to be honest and work out how to be better together, cards on the table time.

I think I either, sadly, let this go or leave him....

Cabrinha Sat 22-Feb-14 08:02:39

You can get an idea when he bought the condoms by checking the use by date. If it was a few years ago, it will be a few years before current shop ones.
But... all that would tell you is that he is a liar.
And you already know that.

FolkGirl Sat 22-Feb-14 08:04:15

Think about what that heavy petting and blow job will actually have involved, what it looked like.

And kick him out.

idinnehaveaclue Sat 22-Feb-14 08:06:14

It's really rubbish, sorry.

I think if you stay then you need to be prepared never to trust him again. Can you live like that? You sound lovely and deserve far better.

NoSquirrels Sat 22-Feb-14 08:07:48

It is not "DH's dodgy behaviour" it is CHEATING. INFIDELITY. Sexual relations with other women.

What cabrinha said. He shows no remorse. He treats you with disdain for your emotions.

Tell him you'll be caring condoms "just in case" too.

Cabrinha Sat 22-Feb-14 08:09:14

He threw it away. Not you.
He didn't just throw it away.
He stamped on it, pissed on it, rolled it up and chucked it.

And PLEASE - you don't only have 2 options: suck it up or leave.
I get the feeling you're going to stay (good luck with the misery of that, welcome to the half life of wondering all the time what he's up to).

If you stay, DO NOT JUST LET IT GO.

He HAS to convince you. Counselling for starters. I think there's a book recommended on here for men who have had affairs to read.
He needs to be the perfect husband in every fucking way.
He has a lot to make up.

But he can't be bothered to control himself. He's got a condom "just in case". So if he gets a chance of sex, he's not even going to turn it down long enough to go to a vending machine, a garage... This man is a selfish arsehole.

What he has told you will be the tip of the iceberg!
A man who will get a blow job in an alley, you really think he held back when he had a chance of sex at other times? Why would he?

God, I am raging for you. Usually they at least say they won't do it again. He is treating you like shit. Don't let him.

FolkGirl Sat 22-Feb-14 08:09:14

If you let it go, you are giving him permission to do it again.

Just think about it. Don't block it out. See it. And then, yes, kick him out. I would not tolerate this and I wouldn't think twice about kicking him out for it.

He betrayed you, he hid it from you, he lied about it. He's vile.

IsSpringSprangedYet Sat 22-Feb-14 08:09:49

Crikey!! I'd be devastated. And cross. How can he be so blasé about it? "Just in case"????!!!!???? And I'm guessing he wouldn't tell you either. Or maybe he would and expect you to be okay, because he has warned you.

Don't give him the chance. Why don't you pack his stuff up, you know, just in case. Better to be safe and all that. hmm

TheGreatHunt Sat 22-Feb-14 08:10:00

He's telling you the minimum IMO. The minimum he vsm get away with.

Seriously! He got a bj from someone else and you let it lie? Wow.

FolkGirl Sat 22-Feb-14 08:11:00

Yes, and it wasn't you who threw it away. He did that when he put his hand in another woman's knickers and his dick in her mouth.

And that's just what you know about.

EauRouge Sat 22-Feb-14 08:11:30

He doesn't sound even remotely sorry about it. If it will never happen again, why carry a condom 'just in case'?

NoSquirrels Sat 22-Feb-14 08:13:10

He "didn't do a great job convincing me nothing would happen again". He got a blow job OUTSIDE with some random woman. That is what he's deemed acceptable to admit to.

Listen to how you are underreacting here.

Do you want your children to ever be in a relationship like this?

Lweji Sat 22-Feb-14 08:13:50

This is what he admitted to. What he thought he could get away with. Do you even believe it was "only" that?

The key thing here is that the person throwing it all away is him, not you.
If you kick him out you are only gaining self respect.
If you stay with him, will you ever be sure he's not still carrying a condom "just in case"?

I could forgive a one off, drunken whatever. Not a partner carrying condoms because he thinks he might cheat. In fact because he wants to cheat.
He's not even claiming he was weak and people (!) came on to him. They refused him! He wanted to.

Is this the man you want to stay with?

I'd be packing his stuff and giving him a condom for him to have "just in case".

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now