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Please help with my confusion re ex, is this normal?

(24 Posts)
Fleminggot Fri 21-Feb-14 23:51:29

split with husband a year ago. Together 12 years. He withdrew from our marriage telling me calmly that he wasnt in love with me, wasn't ready for kids etc. he withdrew all sexual contact with me too. I became depressed.

Found out that he'd been having an affair for 12 months. He moved out to be with OW for a few days, came back saying he loved me wanted to make things work etc. things were great for 2 weeks and doubts crept back. He was still seeing her(although that was short lived) made it clear that I'd wait for him to sort himself out. Pathetic, I know.

We went separate ways. I then have a secret fling, which makes me forget my ex, feel desired and a feeling of being alive that I'd never experienced before. For the first time I smiled because I knew that my happiness was out of our marriage. I was excited about my future for the first time.

Tonight I met with my husband to say that we should divorce. he said that perhaps we should start spending time together to see if there's anything that can be salvaged.

Now I'm torn and don't know what to do. I've never stopped loving him, still fancy him, but know I deserve better. He really hurt me and it's taken a year to get to my happy place, but I've always wondered what if? Is this normal?

Sorry for long post

BerlinerBelle Sat 22-Feb-14 00:47:38

OK - I am going to try to summarise in my words.

You spent 12 years - yes 12 - with a man who wasn't ready to marry you or have kids etc and would eventually cheat on you. Most people work that out after 2 or 3 years - that they guy isn't really going to be the commitment type, but you you hung around for another ten just in case. He has lied and cheated on you. He didn't satisfy you sexually.

Sounds pretty crap huh? But then he cheated on you and left you.

After that, you had a "secret fling' - why is it secret if your husband has gone off with his OW? You have every right to have 'fling' with whoever you want.

My advice you won't want to hear. Take some time out. - 6 months or a year. Work out why you don't think you deserve better. Demand better.

I don't want to sound flippant and hope I don't - but I doubt that happiness lies in the arms of any man at the moment,

SolidGoldBrass Sat 22-Feb-14 01:19:21

Your 'husband' doesn't love you, he regards you as a convenience. He's only come back because his OW dumped him or refuses to commit to him.

You can do a lot better than him, but first you need to sort out who you are and what you want. Good luck.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 22-Feb-14 05:48:41

Whatever you decide, pleased don't demean yourself by being his 'you'll do for now' woman. Whatever you feel for him, it would only be a matter of time before something better caught his eye again.

Fleminggot Sat 22-Feb-14 08:07:37

Thanks for your messages. It's just so confusing. If my husband hadn't thrown the idea of seeing how things go, this weekend I'd be starting the divorce paperwork.

Prior to last night I knew what I wanted and it wasn't him. I was excited for the new challenges that life had for me.

I think the truth is, after a year of being on my own, the pain and depression I suffered are distant memories now. I am such a different person now to the one I was in my marriage - people have remarked on this.

My husband was never a good husband. He never showed me any affection and when our dd was born and he was not very involved - instead he was off with his OW.

Reading this back I know I deserve better. Why should I try hard at a marriage when my ex couldn't keep it in his pants. When given ample opportunities to try again he said he needed more time. Now when that times run out, he's saying maybe we try?

Lweji Sat 22-Feb-14 08:16:41

He's not even saying he has learnt his lesson, actually loves you and will do anything to get you back, is he?

Cabrinha Sat 22-Feb-14 08:17:32

He doesn't want to try because he loves you, he wants to try because you said you're divorcing him. He wants all his options open. Well - you're wise to his crap. He can fuck off.

FunkyBoldRibena Sat 22-Feb-14 08:20:25

I'd stay in your happy place, he has form love. Get out whilst you can.

Clutterbugsmum Sat 22-Feb-14 08:33:00

If you go back, it could turn out like my parents. Mum stayed married to my dad for 27yrs most of the time he was having 'affairs/flings'.

When she finally got him to leave we (me, sister and brother) wished she had done it years before. But mum put us before her own happiness.

Why should I try hard at a marriage when my ex couldn't keep it in his pants. When given ample opportunities to try again he said he needed more time. Now when that times run out, he's saying maybe we try?

Does he want to try or is it he doesn't want you to find someone else and be happy.

KouignAmann Sat 22-Feb-14 08:47:53

You have answered your own question most convincingly. You don't owe him another chance. He has blown it! He will never change and he wasn't fit for purpose before.

Go forward and enjoy your lovely new life!

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 22-Feb-14 08:54:01

It's the arrogance of these people that gets me. So cocky (no pun intended) that they think, no matter how much shit they have heaped on you from a great height, they just have to say 'let's give it another go' and you'll drop everything and rush to their side. Like they're some marvellous prize and you don't have any other choices.... hmm

Fleminggot Sat 22-Feb-14 11:30:22

He got emotional and asked if we could try and see how things go. In 12 years I saw him cry twice.

He's also been really polite asking how I am whereas before it was just about our dd.

This is the first time I've been on my own and whilst it's boring at times I actually enjoy the freedom. It made me realise how suffocating and lonely my marriage was. I did everything for him.

But I still love him. But I don't see it in him to change.

Why did he have to do this to me last night when I was so strong and ready for my divorce!

HandbagCrazy Sat 22-Feb-14 12:54:35

Because he can see things are getting better for you. His life isnt improving so he's trying to drag you backwards. Please dont let him. You're happy and confident now. My guess is he'd be back a few weeks before he made you doubt yourself and go back to the git he was before.

Start your divorce proceedings and be free of him!

Farrowandbawl Sat 22-Feb-14 13:08:50

Remember how happy you were looking forward to a future without him?

Remember how bloody depressed and insecure you were when you were with him?

Which one are you going to choose because that's all it boils down to. He doesn't care about you. He just wants his cake and eat it.

EllaFitzgerald Sat 22-Feb-14 13:09:30

I wonder whether he wants to give things another go because things aren't working out for him the way he thought they would, and then he sees you, looking good and feeling confident and happy, and he thinks he's missing out. It doesn't seem to occur to him that it was probably him who sapped the happiness and confidence from you by treating you so badly. I don't think he's crying because he regrets hurting you and treating you so appallingly. I think he's crying out of self pity.

You're in a good place. You're happy and excited for the future and your fling has shown you what's out there. Why would you want to give up all of that to go back to being miserable and treated like shit? Stay strong!

oldgrandmama Sat 22-Feb-14 13:14:11

Oh OP, PLEASE don't do what I did, and stick in a ghastly marriage to a adulterer for twenty terrible years. Different from your case - my H didn't claim to love me, but was just worried about his 'reputation' (Big Noise in a small village, stalwart of the Rotary blah blah blah ...) He also, charmingly, told me if I did leave him, he'd make sure that I and our tiny children wouldn't get a penny (this was the 1970s - much harder for a single mother then and things slanted against an ex wife financially, however innocent in the breakup she was).

Like an idiot, I stuck with it, mainly because of his threats and because I thought my kids were better off growing up with two parents, vile though one of them was. BIG mistake.

Anyway, what I wanted to say, OP, is that your H has come slithering back because he knows he's probably losing the option to keep you dangling on his strings and I bet he suspects/knows you've met someone really nice. He's trying to have his cake and eat it. Please, don't fall for it. Quite likely the OW has dumped him.

You've done the most difficult stuff, so stick with it. Start divorce proceedings. You say you love him, but think rationally - what's to love? He's not who you thought he was. And you're right - he won't change. There'll be other women - let him get on with it, and YOU get on with a great new life.

I did divorce my H after twenty years (kids said they wished I'd done it long before - they saw what a horrible toll it took on me both physically and mentally, staying with the shit). And I never looked back. Hope you don't either.

Fleminggot Sat 22-Feb-14 15:09:10

Thank you for your support. It really doesn't help things when your don't have anyone in RL to talk to. I really feel that I've got myself to where I am today through my own hard work and a good counsellor.
My best friends have been incredibly unsupportive and dismissive of my feelings. When telling them what happened lastnight they said that yes he was never a good husband but I should give him another chance. The other friend then said, keep the fling private as he won't want you then! Ffs these are meant to be best friends!! Any decent friend would be saying what you ladies are saying!!

Farrowandbawl Sat 22-Feb-14 15:12:27

Right then, it sounds as though you need a new start.

No time like the present, get rid of the lot of them, you deserve so much better. Better husband, better friends, better life.

I would start with....kicking your ex out. Then keep posting on here, we'll see you through at all hours. Then..when you are ready...drop your so called mates.

Lweji Sat 22-Feb-14 15:29:11

The problem with best friends is that they may be saying what they think you want to hear and don't want to be put in a position where you go back and it's ackward because they told you not to.

We have no such problems. smile

Lavenderhoney Sat 22-Feb-14 22:18:36

You can still go ahead with the divorce. People do re marry. You could date him and see how it goes.

Otherwise you are committing to him and will have to change your new confident life to accommodate him. It doesn't sound from your posts as tif this is what you want. He wants the old you, I expect. Do you want to go back? It seems you are the one giving up most.

Friends don't like change and are very often on the fence. Not helpful really.

Plus- such a co incidence about the divorce!! Really? Did he know?

Fleminggot Sun 23-Feb-14 09:33:57

Lavendar, I'm not giving up exactly. He gave up when I gave him months to try again and he said he didn't know what he wants. To come back in to my life when I have moved on is disrespectful and for the first time in my healing process and sent me steps back

Farrowandbawl Sun 23-Feb-14 09:59:41

So what are you going to do?

Move on or move back?

Fleminggot Mon 24-Feb-14 18:14:09

Definitely move on. I just wish my ex would stop asking how I am etc!

I've said that we need to meet this week.

Farrowandbawl Mon 24-Feb-14 21:33:11


Just tell him short answers. Only get into a conversation if you have to.

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