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What constitutes emotional abuse?

(32 Posts)
KingR0llo Fri 21-Feb-14 19:12:31

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Joysmum Fri 21-Feb-14 19:26:00

To me, emotional abuse is the repeated intent to hurt and demean and hold power over the other.

KingR0llo Fri 21-Feb-14 19:31:46

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Handywoman Fri 21-Feb-14 19:59:40

Re: calculated - don't know, don't think so (in my ex's case I just think he had no other mode, and no ability to reflect or articulate his feelings). Am interested in responses.

"Still trying to get my head around ex's behaviour" there are the words of someone who like me, put up with stuff far too long.

Am in the process of arranging my own counselling to unravel all this. I seem to be still looking for a definite piece of validation for leaving. Even though I am 100% sure that leaving was the right thing. He was miserable, unengaged, verbally abusive, intimidating, unsupportive. All in a very subtle way and only behind closed doors. To many people he was a cheerful, affable, supportive and hands-on Dad. Go figure.

KingR0llo Fri 21-Feb-14 20:20:43

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Handywoman Fri 21-Feb-14 20:29:09

Same here. Not in 10 years of it. No apology. When I finally kicked him out (I just snapped and was angry beyond belief) he literally just packed an overnight bag and sloped off. That was How It Ended.

Makes it very very difficult to get my head around that this of all ways, is how my marriage Actually Turned Out.

"Can't work it out apart from that he's a prick" I do think that that's about the size of it. It is very sad.

BeCool Fri 21-Feb-14 20:36:24

My ex was EA. I read the Lundy Bancroft book - far from all of it was applicable to our situation but the one message I got from that (and from MN also) was to STOP trying to understand it. Stop trying to understand why someone who professed to love you would treat you so badly. It's not because of their troubled past, or difficult childhood etc.

It is simply because they can. They CHOOSE to treat you this way.

Gosh once that penny dropped I detached completely. I no longer puzzled over it or cared as to why! I just knew I had to accept he did it. he had choices. None of us as slaves to outside influences.

Just know, that your H/P chose to treat you this way. He could have made different decisions, he could have sought professional help if it distressed or concerned him. He didn't. He didn't want or feel he needed too. He was happy to treat you like that & he will be treating his next partner like that too.

Don't waste another thought on the why? Celebrate that you are free and in another stage in your life. Feel the joy!!

KingR0llo Fri 21-Feb-14 20:36:57

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KingR0llo Fri 21-Feb-14 20:39:22

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BeCool Fri 21-Feb-14 20:39:36

What did I do to deserve it?
Nothing.
You didn't deserve it.
You are probably a VERY nice person and went the extra mile.

Need to do a crash course in RED FLAGS for future relationships though. I certainly saw lots of signs and ploughed right on regardless, not knowing what they were (not wanting to believe it cause he's a "lovely guy" after all)

Handywoman Fri 21-Feb-14 20:40:38

This:

Just know, that your H/P chose to treat you this way. He could have made different decisions, he could have sought professional help if it distressed or concerned him. He didn't. He didn't want or feel he needed too. He was happy to treat you like that & he will be treating his next partner like that too.

I think is the nub of it. And it is a very hard truth to accept, in a way. And very sad. But it must be accepted because it is true I think.

BeCool Fri 21-Feb-14 20:41:49

That is your mantra for the week!

KingR0llo Fri 21-Feb-14 20:43:23

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BeCool Fri 21-Feb-14 20:45:18

YY how did I let this man become father to my beloved children?

Handywoman Fri 21-Feb-14 20:45:31

I definitely need that crash course in red flags!

My friend described me as being very 'defended' (I think that's a counselling or psychotherapy term) due to the hurt, and that despite the joy of leaving (and I feel joyous every day that he is gone) I need to work on that.

I know that she is right but mostly I just want to feel joy am entitled, after ten years of fog and opression I am definitely entitled to feel a whole lot more happiness.

I know I need to move forward and stop being damaged by it as well though.

KingR0llo Fri 21-Feb-14 20:45:55

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KingR0llo Fri 21-Feb-14 20:47:27

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BeCool Fri 21-Feb-14 20:49:25

Detachment is great - fantastic- work with that. I felt a deep sense of detachment. It made the ending of our relationship very easy (for me).

And I think it made forgiveness relatively easy. As I simply do not care about his shit anymore. And I pity him - which makes it easier too.

It's forgiving myself I find harder.

Handywoman Fri 21-Feb-14 20:49:57

You know what KingR0llo we are kindred spirits!

When ex collects kids or whatever I can barely look him in the eye. I am icy cold, avoidant and busy myself with the kids rather than engage him in any interaction. I know it is not a longterm way of behaving but for now, it gives me a sense of separation from him. which I really need. I know it is based on negative vibes but right now it feels very affirming to me. I gotta get passed it at some point but not now. Hedoesn't even realise I'm doing it (which shows how little he really knows me/my feelings/reactions/needs).

KingR0llo Fri 21-Feb-14 20:52:27

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KingR0llo Fri 21-Feb-14 20:54:49

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BeCool Fri 21-Feb-14 20:58:08

X gave me "the talk" the other day about how great it is to be friends!! He is deluded. I am civil, polite. We talk about the DC. He gave me a hand to make up some flat pack recently which was - handy. I can be in his company and feel nothing.

And he thinks we are friends.

I told him after we split if he ever wanted to have a frank, open and honest conversation without any shouting or lectures, I'm ready for it. Never happened.

How can you be friends when you haven't even discussed what has occurred?

Totally deluded. As ever.

Handywoman Fri 21-Feb-14 20:59:28

He just Looks like a stranger to me, it's so weird.

Oh YES to this. Was in my car the other day and saw exH walking down the road. He just looks like Some Geazer, I felt only one thing, emotionally, and one thing only: I hope he doesn't see me <cringe cringe> If he fucked off to another planet life would be nice and easy. It's having to coparent with him. Nob.

Handywoman Fri 21-Feb-14 21:00:57

How can you be friends when you haven't even discussed what has occurred?

O.M.G. yes absolutely.

kitchensinkmum Fri 21-Feb-14 21:05:21

Google "why does he do that? Inside the minds of abusive men"
It's an amazing guild to emotionally abusive men. The best book you can read and puts all into perspective. Written by a guy who has worked with abusers for twenty years.
After the first page you will feel like he is actually writing about your partner.
The things these men say is all textbook, like reading from a script. They are prize winning manipulators They make women feel as if they deserved it or are bad people.

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