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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Pregnant sister abusive boyfriend

37 replies

Emz8369 · 21/02/2014 13:09

this isnt a dilemma I have but I can't stop thinking about it, my sister has just announced that she is pregnant to a guy that she has been with for less than 6 months, she has already introduced him to my nephew, the problem is this guy has kids from a previous relationship that he isn't allowed to see (they were took off him and the mother) social services were involved too.he has already hit her twice (that I have been told about) and he regularly just gets up and walks out on her (even in the middle of conversations and when people are there) he has also woke her up at 1 in the morning and had a massive go at her because of something she said in her sleep.I have talked to her and she has said that she doesn't know what she is going to do but then in the next sentence says she hasn't told her son yet.my main concern is that if she does keep the baby then there will be more stress added to the situation and he will hit her again and also that she wont be able to tell anyone who the dad is as there would be a possibility that social services could find out and then they would take both children off her.it seems that I am the only looking at the bigger picture at the moment and I just want to shake her and tell her that the best thing she could do for everyone in the situation is to have a termination and then get rid of the deadbeat boyfriend. what do I do?

OP posts:

Report

Bogeyface · 21/02/2014 13:56

On paper, yes it probably would be best if she didnt continue the pregnancy and got rid of him. But emotions are never that simple.

Have you asked her if she wants to stay with him? Does she realise that if she stays with him then SS will get involved and she could lose both of her children? Does she want to keep the baby?

Suicidal5833 · 21/02/2014 13:57

You can't force coerce or persuade her to have a termination I get that your position is a difficult one but seriously a forced termination is one of the most traumatic things a woman can go through. Instead try and talk her into leaving her partner. But don't push or she will shut you out.

Emz8369 · 21/02/2014 14:08

bogeyface they are together atm so am assuming she wants to be with him for now (they are very on again off again) she knows what would happen if ss found out and has said if she does keep baby she is not going to tell anyone whose babys dad is she is still unsure if she is keeping baby or not

OP posts:

Emz8369 · 21/02/2014 14:11

I get that suicidal we (the whole family) have been there for her and talked to her about leaving him and she says all the right things (what we want to hear) and then goes back to him tbh I cant see this situation having a happy ending either way

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NobodyIsHere · 21/02/2014 14:14

Why don't you tell SS yourself? Maybe a visit from them can convince her to get rid of this guy. Sorry if it is a daft suggestion but I don't know much about SS. Just feeling sorry for your nephew.

Mabelface · 21/02/2014 14:17

If he's already had children removed from him by SS, then there is the issue that he may be a danger to your nephew. As hard as it may be, you need to speak to SS yourself. You may just save your sister's life, as dramatic as that sounds.

Emz8369 · 21/02/2014 14:23

me reporting her to social services isnt an option as I want to support her and throwing ss in to the mix is just going to make things worse for everyone, she only found out yesterday that she is pregnant so hopefully after she has thought about it she will realise what the best option would be

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Fairy1303 · 21/02/2014 14:29

The best option may not be for her to terminate though, only she can decide that.

Without a doubt thought the best, if not only option is for her to leave the bf and I do understand what a difficult situation you are in.

If she stays, SS will be concerned, even without her past. They view Domestic violence as abuse in itself. I think you should phone anonymously.

NobodyIsHere · 21/02/2014 14:36

Thing is, she is under his influence, is she in a position to make her own decisions? I think she is at risk right now as well as your nephew and the unborn baby. Call anonymously.

Suicidal5833 · 21/02/2014 14:38

I agree with calling ss.

Emz8369 · 21/02/2014 14:39

even if I did call anonymously she would know it was someone in the family cos there are only a few of us who know and then she would stop talking to all of us which would put her in an even worse position

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Poloholo · 21/02/2014 14:45

How pregnant is she?

Emz8369 · 21/02/2014 14:47

we don't know yet polo she only found out yesterday

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SaskiaRembrandtWasFramed · 21/02/2014 14:53

She wouldn't necessarily know it was you though. I'm guessing she has neighbours? It could just as easily be someone who'd heard the previous incidents of DV and was concerned because there was a child in the house.

Mabelface · 21/02/2014 16:26

She and your nephew are at risk.

Bogeyface · 21/02/2014 16:39

me reporting her to social services isnt an option as I want to support her and throwing ss in to the mix is just going to make things worse for everyone

The only person it would make things worse for is the boyfriend. Your sister needs to know exactly what she is getting into and what she is risking by being with this man. It doesnt matter if she doesnt say who the father is, simply by living with him with her children is enough for SS when a man has had his own children removed.

By involving SS now you may help prevent her stumbling head long into a car crash of her own making that could end with her losing her children.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/02/2014 16:44

Your sister has put herself but more importantly her son at risk by being in a relationship with a violent man that is not allowed to be in contact with his own kids. She doesn't seem able to do the right thing herself so, if you have any feelings for your nephew, call SS. So what if she never speaks to you again?

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 21/02/2014 16:46

Is she a capable mother to your nephew?

Emz8369 · 21/02/2014 16:51

It what not only make things worse for her boyfriend it would also make it worse for my sister if they took her son away, she already knows what she has getting into thats why she knows that ss cant know who the dad is otherwise if she does keep the baby it will probably be taken away from her, they aren't living together

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Emz8369 · 21/02/2014 16:54

Its not that simple cogito what happens if say I do involve ss and they speak to her and she agrees not to see him anymore and then carries on seeing him anyway she will be on her own with no support whatsoever

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Emz8369 · 21/02/2014 16:55

Of she is a capable mother to him toffee she has raised him on her own for 7 years

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/02/2014 16:59

It is precisely that simple. She knows she's in the wrong here. If you reported it to SS and she choose to carry on seeing this violent man and risk her DCs being taken into care then it would just be another poor decision. It may be too late for her but it's not too late for her DS. He didn't ask for this.

Fairy1303 · 21/02/2014 17:28

Look OP, my husband was violent. Mostly emotional abuse but rows, then violence.

When I left, I called SS because I had to leave my step daughter there.
They told me if I went back, it would put my DS at risk, and they would have to have a case for him.

Please read up on the affects DV has on children.
Your nephew will grow to emulate him because it will be all he has seen.
You will be letting them all down if you dont.
I'm sorry to be so harsh but it's as simple as that.

I feel I let my children down terribly. I was in a situation whereby I couldn't see any way out and thought staying was protecting DSD but she's 9 now and the damage has been done.

I know you feel worried that she will cut you off and she will lose that support. But her staying with him is abuse.

EirikurNoromaour · 21/02/2014 17:43

You don't know why his children were removed. Maybe he sexually abused them, or beat them, or starved them. Are you really ok with this risk around your nephew?

Cabrinha · 21/02/2014 17:50

It takes a lot for children to be removed, and from both parents?
You have to care more for your nephew's safety than your relationship with your sister.

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