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Advice on how to let go and move on when you still love someone.

(19 Posts)
bogroll Fri 21-Feb-14 11:14:32

I would really appreciate some good advice on how to move on after my latest break up as I do feel heartbroken.
I have been no contact for last 5 weeks since he ended it with me.
It's the third time he's ended it in the last few years.
He's come back each time, and I feel this is what's holding me back at the moment as I keep expecting to hear from him again.
I do love him but I also know the relationship is not good for me.
Each time we have broken up before I have dwelled on it and been sad for far too long.
This is probably because I'm sensitive and each time it seemed to come out of the blue, and really cut me to the core.
Should I start dating again? I'd like to meet someone, but don't know if I'm ready yet. I do spend an inordinate amount of time scouring break up advice on internet, and I'm beginning tthink this is not helping me.
I'd like some sage mumsnet wisdom to help me

scornedwoman67 Fri 21-Feb-14 11:22:34

Sorry you're in this position. I have been too. With the benefit of hindsight I can promise you that the easiest way to deal with it is to block all contact ( mobile, email, FB) so you can't see or hear from him. Avoid any situation where you might see him, and when you start thinking about him, remember how you felt when he ended it - in the end I promise you that you will start to get angry, and eventually you will wonder why on earth you ever wasted your time on him. Sending you hugs x

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 21-Feb-14 11:24:44

How long were you together? How serious was it?.... Kids? Living together? I think it's really poor behaviour that he keeps dumping you and keeping you on a string. Aren't you pissed off that he treats you with such obvious contempt and disrespect? Find your fury... that helps

Generally I think the best strategy is to go complete no contact which you're already doing... so good start. Then you have to fill the Twat-shaped gap in your life with other, better things and give yourself as little time as possible to mull over the past or feel lonely. Be with people who actually like you. Do absorbing things..... do you work? have hobbies? socialise?

Dating again is probably not the way forward but certainly be sociable with real people doing real things rather than clamped to the internet.

LilyBlossom14 Fri 21-Feb-14 11:36:19

no - I think 5 weeks is way too soon to start dating again. I would spend some time on your own if I were you. Don't sit waiting for someone to make you happy, go and find that happy yourself.

bogroll Fri 21-Feb-14 11:38:12

On and off for 4 years and no kids.
I acknowledge I've been a fool to have taken him back each time as it's obvious he doesn't love me, in spite of telling me he did (even a few days before dumping me by text).
I have got hobbies, friends and work so can fill my time.
It's just the longing I have for him. I veer from wanting to send him a message telling him what a shit he is, to declaring my undying love for him.
Fortunately I've held it together enough to do neither, and doubt I ever will.
Are my feelings normal? I'd love examples from strong women, such as scornedwoman, who ploughed on and made the decision not to take back someone like this in spite of being in love with them.

LilyBlossom14 Fri 21-Feb-14 11:48:23

not a fool - but you deserve much better.

Spickle Fri 21-Feb-14 14:35:23

Just as scornedwoman67, been there and done that.

Go no contact, though it's not easy, but it is a lot easier than being dangled like a carrot for another few months or years with that slight bit of hope that he'll turn out to be "the one" after all. It took me a long time before I was ready to date again, but now I look back and wonder what on earth I was doing, wasting so much time on a loser. I deserved much better than that and so do you.


scornedwoman67 Fri 21-Feb-14 15:36:53

Hi bogroll
I wasn't strong at the time though - I believed his weasel words, excuses and lies. It nearly drove me nuts. After the discovery, he drip-fed information as I gradually discovered more and more. Honestly it very nearly broke me. Since then I have changed. My own experiences, those of friends ( and reading stuff on here) has made me a much stronger, more confident person. If (God forbid) I ever found myself in the same position again, his feet wouldn't touch the floor. He'd be out of that door like a shot with his spare phone shoved somewhere painful. So in a way, I have a lot to be grateful for. I'm much wiser now.
We are all here for you. x

MeganBacon Fri 21-Feb-14 15:45:02

Cold turkey/no contact is the only way.
When waivering, tell yourself he doesn't love you and you will eventually love someone who loves you back as you deserve to be loved. Tell yourself very sternly that you don't want to settle for this, that there is better stuff for you. Bit by bit, it will get easier. Give yourself a year or so (loose target) to be dating seriously, though a bit of fun here and there wouldn't hurt you.

I don't want to scare you, but I know someone who for 25 years has never managed to cut off contact with the ex she longs for, in spite of moving in with someone within 3 months of hte last break and being with him ever since. Her life is a life that you wouldn't want, believe me. No marriage, no sex, no kids, no trust, no joy. It's all just a bag of regrets mascarading as a deluded belief that love is forever. So I would strongly encourage you to get a plan to manage the heartbreak away (sounds cold, but I'm trying to get you to be stern with yourself) and look to a brighter future which I guarantee you, you will find. Promise. Good luck.

bogroll Fri 21-Feb-14 16:51:15

The whole relationship has really undermined my confidence and has left me questioning myself.
Why would I put up with someone who, though they say they love me, their actions speak otherwise?
Is my self esteem so low as to accept that? I have never felt like my self esteem was a particular issue before. It's not the greatest, but it's ok. Healthy enough.
And why would I even be thinking of wanting him back and missing him?
Is it some weird moth to the flame syndrome?

LilyBlossom14 Fri 21-Feb-14 17:00:12

Because in between the horrid bits he was nice sometimes, just enough to keep you hooked? And yep, maybe you do have low self esteem, or didn't see the red flags/warning signs?

The Freedom Programme is useful to help spotting potential troubles in the future, useful if not even a victim of abuse I think. Helps you set good boundaries I think. You can even do it online for free. Worth considering maybe? Is v empowering.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 21-Feb-14 17:03:25

It's manipulation mostly. So you want to be loved... we all want to be loved.... it doesn't make you a bad person. And he won't have treated you abysmally from Day 1. He will have started off nice enough, shown you his lovely side, got you on the hook... and then, like all emotionally abusive people, he will have set about systematically crushing your spirit and getting control. If your self-esteem is low now it's because he's spent a long time getting you in that state of mind.

The best way to get your confidence back is time and distance. The less contact you have the less opportunity he has to play on your self-doubt. The more time you spend away thinking 'why would I put up with that shit?' ... the more detached you become. One day you simply won't care.

bogroll Fri 21-Feb-14 17:12:09

Well I have resolved to stay no contact. I know I'll maintain that because I have done so before. After the previous dumping I was heartbroken. I had so many questions because it was a weird ending.
And yet, I never contacted him and stayed this way for 7 months until one day I got an email from him out of the blue.
A part of me wanted the opportunity for closure so I met him. But I also missed him dearly and hoped to rekindle things.
This was where I was weak.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 21-Feb-14 17:18:54

Hey,.. you live and learn. No experience is ever wasted. Won't make the same mistake six months from now, will you? smile

bogroll Fri 21-Feb-14 17:23:36

I bloody well hope not !

rosiesarered Fri 21-Feb-14 18:28:55

It takes longer when its been on off because you will be waiting for him to contact you like he has before.
Was like that for me anyway.. Just stay busy and stay no contact, if he contacts you ignore him, hard i know.
Something that worked for me that helped me get over my breakup without going down the road of listing all his bad points and what a knob he was, although i did that aswel was to tell myself everyday how lovely, funny sexy unique and giving i am. Anything good you can think of feels weird at first but its a really good way to start or end the day.
Im with someone else now who is lovely, caring, puts me first and would do anything for me, if you carry on with ex you won't be available when someone worthy comes along

innisglas Fri 21-Feb-14 18:38:02

It takes time to get over someone. But one friend managed to accelerate the cure by throwing herself into swimming, salsa classes, all kinds of physical activity. It really does help.

ilovesprouts Fri 21-Feb-14 18:43:55

took me 8m to get over my ex,i kept his email and mob number but now ive delated them met a lovely guy on pof local to me been seeing him since nov very happy now smile

ilovesprouts Mon 10-Mar-14 14:27:13

now im single again they guy I was seeing since nov said he did not want r ship with me ,but he had the cheek to txt me yesterday to say he was going on a date with someone who he works with sad

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