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I had an affair

(98 Posts)
Suicidal5833 Fri 21-Feb-14 08:33:56

I am bipolar and borderline and I had a affair. This has now ended dh doesn't know I feel so shit feel like killing myself. I deserve everything this board has to throw at me. Every day I read about people who have found their partners cheating and it reminds me of how much hurt and confusion I have caused. I also shut dh out and accused him of being controlling I played mind games to the point where he wonders if he has been controlling.

I feel so down now and now the high is gone I'm stuck having to feel the guilt for what I've done. I've debated about telling dh but he says when I try to bring it up that he just wants to forget about it all. So I wonder am I being selfish in wanting to tell him or not.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 21-Feb-14 08:35:26

Just to clarify, when you say 'DH doesn't know' do you mean he doesn't know the affair has ended or he doesn't know about the affair?

Suicidal5833 Fri 21-Feb-14 08:36:53

He doesn't know about the affiair.

DarlingGrace Fri 21-Feb-14 08:38:05

I wouldn't tell him. Shit happens, you can't undo it, learn from it and move on.

Suicidal5833 Fri 21-Feb-14 08:43:37

Dh is such a good kind man he deserves better than me. I know he knew I was mentally ill when he went out with me and he knew about the things I sometimes do but he has been there for me so much I just know he deserves better than someone who is currently too unwell to care for her children sleeps around and who he lives in fear of coming home to find dead. He deserves better than I can give him.

RudyMentary Fri 21-Feb-14 08:45:39

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea Fri 21-Feb-14 08:45:41

I think I've seen your other threads, you don't need condemnation, you need help. Can you speak to your GP or another health professional about how you are feeling?

Offred Fri 21-Feb-14 08:46:12

It isn't quite the same is it if you were/are mentally unwell?

Are you getting treatment/support?

akawisey Fri 21-Feb-14 08:46:18

Can you ask to see your CMHN to talk it over with them? It might help to vent some of your guilty feelings with someone who knows how the illness affects you.

DarlingGrace Fri 21-Feb-14 08:47:46

Confessing only shares the misery.

I'm the eternal pragmatist. no point in making two people miserable and splitting up a family over it. Learn from it and move on.

The little I know about bipolar is that it can make some people , shall we say, sexual risk takers, some might call it promiscuous? I know my friend has that side to her personality but she is fairly well controlled with medication. Do you think your GP would be able to help?

Suicidal5833 Fri 21-Feb-14 08:47:51

I have tried telling them but while they are doing all they can I'm still struggling I also started taking drugs on this episode.

Offred Fri 21-Feb-14 08:48:54

I'm sure you'll know that promiscuity and risk taking are features of a manic episode and that suicidal feelings are a feature of borderline pd.

You can get treatment and support to help you live a healthier life and understand your feelings/behaviour.

My ex has been so much better since he got diagnosed and had treatment for bpd.

akawisey Fri 21-Feb-14 08:49:37

Well you don't need anyone telling you how risky that is OP. This is something you will have to find a way through with professional help I think.

Offred Fri 21-Feb-14 08:49:48

How long is it since you were diagnosed?

Suicidal5833 Fri 21-Feb-14 08:52:54

I was misdiagnosed with PTSD at age 15 on a depression then I was diagnosed bipolar at 22 and diagnosed borderline at 26 I am 26 now and awaiting therapy for the borderline and I am on meds but while they take the edge off they are not taking away the pain entirely and I'm still really struggling.

TheFillyjonk Fri 21-Feb-14 08:53:08

You really do sound like you need somebody to talk to. Call the Samaritans (08457 90 90 90) - they're completely impartial, and they're just there to listen to what you have to say and support you.

Offred Fri 21-Feb-14 08:58:22

Because you have complicated issues which it still sounds like they are diagnosing and treating I think you can expect to be a bit all over the place.

My bipolar friend is much better on lithium. He had a period a few years ago when he stopped taking it and went all wrong again. He's much more stable on it.

My ex had some kind of psychotherapy treatment for his bdp and it has made a big difference.

Because you have both the most recent diagnosis of bdp will mean they have to reassess and start again with treatment I think.

This kind of thing is therefore to be expected while they work out how best to help you.

Please persevere with the professionals and treatment and try not to be too hard on yourself while you wait for proper treatment.

Offred Fri 21-Feb-14 08:58:44


shakethetree Fri 21-Feb-14 08:59:16

Having an affair doesn't make you an awful person, we're all human & we're all capable of making mistakes, mental illness or not ( to err is human as the saying goes ) of course if you keep having affairs then you obviously need to end the marriage, but a one off can happen to the best of us - don't be so hard on yourself (( hugs )) you know I'd far rather be married to a lovely kind man who had one minor indiscretion than be married to a prize pig who 'never even looks at another woman' - put it to the back of your mind & move on, you made a mistake, you're not the first & you won't be the last.

Offred Fri 21-Feb-14 08:59:38

Yes, call the Samaritans. I called them a couple of weeks ago and they were really good.

CogitoErgoSometimes Fri 21-Feb-14 08:59:38

I'm going to go against the grain here and say that your DH needs to know all of it. The drugs, the infidelity... all the things you've done and are struggling with. In a normal situation my advice would be 'keep schtum' but this is anything but normal. He needs the information in order to make an informed decision about his life going forward, your DCs' lives, and I think you need to tell your full story if you're going to get anything out of your treatment. It may mean the end of the marriage - and that may be why he says he doesn't want to know - but I don't think it's fair or respectful in this context to keep a good, kind man so completely in the dark. I also don't think it's fair on the DCs

Offred Fri 21-Feb-14 09:05:53

Hmm... Whilst I can see what cog is saying and think it will be true later I think you are clearly in crisis now and need to deal with that before anything else. I think you should take advice from mental health professionals about what to do re telling your h.

Suicidal5833 Fri 21-Feb-14 09:07:29

Mental health professionals have told me not to say as they are concerned about what the outcome for me will be.

Funnyfoot Fri 21-Feb-14 09:07:31

I don't think keeping this a secret is going to help you OP.

I think this secret and the guilt you feel will have a detrimental affect on your mental health.
Be honest with him. Tell him everything. You will never be able to move on if you don't. As you say he is a good man so doesn't he deserve the truth?
You need to prepare yourself for his reaction. He may leave you but you can't blame him. He may stay, not all affairs end in divorce.
Mistakes happen, you are human. However once you are aware of the mistake to continue the lie is much worse.

shakethetree Fri 21-Feb-14 09:07:44

Yes cogito, I'd tend to agree. but it is a risk. He could be wonderfully understanding & supportive or he could react terribly & make matters far worse for the op, & as she's already very fragile could she take that?

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