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I'm an utter twat :( so long. Just rambling

(12 Posts)
WhileWeSleep Fri 21-Feb-14 07:31:59

So I've fucked up.

ExDP and I split in August, both living with parents, no kids.
He had been made redundant and was feeling down. I had what I now know is depression and anxiety. We had a petty argument and I ended it. He was so upset and I was being selfish. I ended it because I was sad in myself, he was the thing that kept me chugging along, he believed in me and was there for me 24/7 even though he was having his own problems and I was selfish.

Since we split he has still been there for me. He has a new job and is back to being the person I fell for.

When things are hard at home he picks me up and I stay at his house. I spend most evenings at his house and I spend most weekends at his house but we never have sex.

He has shown me nothing but kindness. Mutual friends have told me that he was sad after we split but he never had a bad word to say and always said kind things about me.

Last night I realised how much of a bitch I am. We were in bed. He was sleeping and he rolled over and cuddled me and kissed my head. I just started sobbing to myself. It woke him up and he got me water and tissues and just held me even though he has to be up early for work.

Since we split I had a short term relationship and have been on a couple of dates. It doesn't work because I love exDP and no one compares to him in my eyes.

I know we should get back together but I feel like I'm stopping it to punish myself even though it's what I want sad

WhileWeSleep Fri 21-Feb-14 07:32:38

That was so long for such a minor issue sad thank you to anyone who read that wine

LettertoHermioneGranger Fri 21-Feb-14 07:38:51

It sounds like you made a mistake and you both realize that. Apologize and explain your feelings. He sounds like he cares for you very much.

WhileWeSleep Fri 21-Feb-14 07:41:27

letter I know he cares and I'm very lucky. I just don't feel like I deserve it. He is too good for me sad

Preciousbane Fri 21-Feb-14 08:00:26

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dwerf Fri 21-Feb-14 08:08:24

Depression does funny things to your perceptions. It sounds like you made decisions when you were not in a good place and now that you're a bit better you can see they may not have been the right ones. But it also sounds like all is not lost and can be retrieved. If you want him, and he wants you (and the fact that you're sleeping together is a great indicator of this), talk to him. This may be the start of something wonderful and a lot stronger for the break you've had. But you both need to really talk about it.

Good luck, sounds like you've got a good bloke there.

Boltonlass1972 Fri 21-Feb-14 08:14:02

Sounds to me like you are back together. Probably both off you are frightened to call it that and take it to the next level. You obviously love each other. I don't why you think you are a bitch ? Sounds like when you split you were both on a low. That's hard, but the love is obviously still there. It's great that you have someone Who loves you do much. Hope it remains and goes from to strength..Sounds like you have something good.xxx

Logg1e Fri 21-Feb-14 08:15:01

I've missed something. You went from being separated and each living with your parents and seeing other people to being in the same bed together.

rainbowfeet Fri 21-Feb-14 08:22:18

Sounds to me like this could have a happy ending grin, I do hope so!!

But you will have to tell him how you feel, perhaps arrange a lovely date.. Meal & drinks all dressed up.. You'll feel confident & relaxed to be intimate once again.

Or do I watch too many soppy films?! shock

Good luck & go for it. Life's too short

Offred Fri 21-Feb-14 08:25:18

Generally if you want to get back together I think you should tell the person.

However, in this situation I think you need to stop seeing him and be on your own. It sounds like you have made your mental health dependent on being in a relationship and this is not healthy. You've also not had any space from him to get over the relationship and start healing from the anxiety/depression.

From the sound of it I think you need some time single to get to know, rely on and feel better about yourself.

There will be others who you have a connection and a lovely relationship with in the future, he isn't your last and only chance.

WhileWeSleep Fri 21-Feb-14 08:54:31

Logg1e when we were together I still had all of my things at my parents' but due to the relationship I don't have with my dad I spent every night at exDP's.

After we broke up we were only speaking occassionally and that increased. Then we started meeting up again and then it progressed into me staying over. We're not having sex. It's just sharing a bed atm

basketweaver2012 Fri 21-Feb-14 09:14:07

I always say that there's no one that can make me feel hurt more than myself :-( maybe that's what you are doing here?

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