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How I feel about my Dad.

(10 Posts)
biscuitthedog Thu 20-Feb-14 23:55:09

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

serenshiningstar Thu 20-Feb-14 23:57:10

Woah - creepy really, this happened to me more or less exactly only I didn't have older siblings. It's awful, isn't it flowers sorry, no useful advice really.

MissHobart Fri 21-Feb-14 00:31:15

I can't comment on your experiences, but I can reply to your mil saying to build bridges. Why? You don't like him, he's not part of your family, you have no responsibility for his life. If YOU don't want contact, don't have any!

I've not seen my dad in a long time, he made a half arsed attempt to contact me a few years ago and never replied to a letter I sent giving him a chance. My grandma is like your mil but I don't see the point in keeping, or trying to keep someone in your life when you don't want to! Just cos he's your dad doesn't put you under any obligation!

I stuck by this for my wedding too by not inviting random relatives I'd not seen in years!

Look after yourself, your family (whoever you decide that is) and your friends! grin

biscuitthedog Fri 21-Feb-14 00:58:38

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MissHobart Fri 21-Feb-14 10:00:15

My friends are my family! I've also been through too much shit to give a rat's Arse for toxic people! I don't have the mental energy to give to people who are not good for me! the only exception I make is for my grandma who I hate but is too old to understand what she's done now so I see her every few weeks for a mind numbing, mentally scarring couple of hours! I will no longer be dragged into more than that!

I hope you keep your strength and determination up because your mental health, family and friends are more important than blood!

oldgrandmama Fri 21-Feb-14 10:11:40

I sympathise. I went totally no contact with my father, visited him just once in eight years (six or so days after my beloved husband suddenly died) and all he said about this was 'what did he leave you' and 'I expect you'll get married again' shock

I didn't even go to his funeral - and my brother did, saying he wanted to make sure the old sod was really dead!

You don't need him in your life, or his toxic partner. Enjoy your own lovely husband and children. As for thinking relatives blame you for something or other, I reckon they've probably got the measure of your father and his woman by now.

AttilaTheMeerkat Fri 21-Feb-14 10:21:46

Your MIL is being misguided here; I would ignore her counsel to mend fences as there is no point. Your Dad made his choice a long time ago and he chose this woman and her own family. He probably likes on some level being told what to do.

You have the level of contact that you want but personally I would have nothing to do with him now. He will I think continue to disappoint you because he is really a weak willed man.

Quitelikely Fri 21-Feb-14 10:28:00

I agree with other people who say keep toxic people out if your life. They just use way too much emotional energy is what I've found. It's a hard lesson to learn and not N easy one at that.

You could also offer your father to visit you at your house every so often. Just to test the water. Alternatively you could write him a letter telling him why you have been so upset with him.

Don't forget if you invite them over to let your dog lick step mums cup clean before you give her a cuppa! ; )

castlesintheair Fri 21-Feb-14 10:50:48

People love to tell you what to do when they have absolutely no idea what you have been through. My PIL do it to me bit and it is with the best will in the world. My FIL in particular is one of the loveliest men I have ever met and I suppose he just cannot imagine treating his DCs they way I have been treated (not that I tell anyone much). You have to do what is best for you and your family that you have made. Don't feel guilty and obligated by a man who is not the man he was when you were growing up. If you keep doing that you will only be disappointed.

With my own dad I just stopped making an effort and surprise surprise I haven't seen him for 4 years. We still communicate about twice a year so I haven't gone NC. I am always available he just ain't interested. I am happy with this set up. I don't feel guilty. It is much healthier for me and my own family. Being in different countries is very helpful when it comes to toxic families wink

lavage Fri 21-Feb-14 10:55:35

I think you should do exactly what you please, and if others disapprove allow them to do so - much easier than trying to justify yourself. Be proud that you have a lovely family despite your crappy upbringing, and enjoy your happiness.

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