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Should i be angry at this?

(82 Posts)
cloud23 Thu 20-Feb-14 23:42:38

Hi, i need your advice and thoughts here. My OH and i live apart. We have a DS. When OH comes to see us he behaves like we are in a normal relationship, physical and emotional. Sends texts, rings, i love you etc. He has been withdrawn with us both for a couple of weeks, tonight i find a post on facebook and he has sent OW flowers. He doesnt pay a penny towards DS and never has. What do i do now???

eeetheygrowupsofast Thu 20-Feb-14 23:45:28

Who is the 'OW'?

Why is he so open about it on Facebook?

Are you sure you are not the other woman?

I'm sorry you are feeling bad. He sounds awful.

Why isn't paying for DS? Does he work? Why don't you live together?

Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme Thu 20-Feb-14 23:45:51

Find someone that actually wants to be a part of your life and gives you something back? Not just sees you as and when? That doesn't send other people flowers?

What exactly do you get out of this arrangement?

YoureBeingASillyBilly Thu 20-Feb-14 23:46:25

Catch yourself on and stop letting him have his cake an eat it. Ring CSA and get an award made for ds.

Offred Thu 20-Feb-14 23:49:03

Yes, stop letting him waltz in and out and secure some maintenance for ds.

Sounds like he thinks a little bit of intimacy with you will allow him to get away with not contributing whilst he does whatever he wants.

Cabrinha Thu 20-Feb-14 23:51:52

In what sense is he your other half?

cloud23 Thu 20-Feb-14 23:52:24

He works and claims benefits but still doesnt pay anything, tells me he is skint and has been trying to get me to pay his petrol to come and see DS.
eee - the OW is someone who works as the same place he does.
We have been together seven years, Im not the OW, am i??? I dont know.
We dont live together because he decided to move to the next town to be closer to his DDs.
Ilove - he says he will take our DS. Thats what i get out of the arrangement. He is quite twisted in his thinking due to liver disease.

YoureBeingASillyBilly Thu 20-Feb-14 23:53:37

hmm liver disease makes you twisted?

YoureBeingASillyBilly Thu 20-Feb-14 23:54:06

Oh and report him for benefit fraud too!

cloud23 Thu 20-Feb-14 23:55:37

Offred - thats what i thought but during rows he says he will take DS if i make a fuss.
Cabrinha - we have been together a long time, he always treated me like gf.

Offred Thu 20-Feb-14 23:56:15


You aren't ow or oh tbh. You are someone he has a baby with who he uses and manipulates when he feels like it.

Report his to revenue and benefit fraud hotline if he is working and claiming and start a maintenance case. Even if he is on benefits it will be worth it to lock him in to something.

Offred Thu 20-Feb-14 23:56:29

He can't take ds.

cloud23 Thu 20-Feb-14 23:57:29

Sorry youre, he had a big problem with drinking, it affects his personality even though he says he has stopped for now.

Offred Thu 20-Feb-14 23:57:53

Why are you even letting him see ds if he is threatening to kidnap him?

cloud23 Fri 21-Feb-14 00:00:16

Offred - he says as his dad he can do what he wants.
What happens if i report him? How do i start a maintenance claim?

cloud23 Fri 21-Feb-14 00:03:14

I have to let him dont i? Ds scared of him since he got ill, and says non no no when he arrives. I have to promise Ds i will be there the whole time just to calm him down. I assume a court will enforce overnight stays and weekends and im scared that will cause DS more distress.

eeetheygrowupsofast Fri 21-Feb-14 00:04:05

No he can't take your son.

Do you have friends and family around you? You seem to believe everything this dick tells you and you shouldn't because I bet you are a great, loving mum who could cope without him around.

Cabrinha Fri 21-Feb-14 00:05:18

Flipping hell love, I'm so sad for you that this is what you'll allow yourself to expect in a relationship.
So he's an alcoholic who is nasty to you, openly sends flowers to another woman whilst going cold on you, threatens you about his son, pays nothing towards the boy...
And already has children he's walked away from.
Bet you a pound to a penny that he's still sleeping with their mother too, in this town he has to live in near them.

Try calling Women's Aid. They can help you understand that no, he can't just take your boy, how to make a maintenance claim, and how to make better choices in men in the future.

Offred Fri 21-Feb-14 00:06:11

You can report benefit fraud online here -

Also tax fraud (assume his job is cash on hand) here - 0800 788 887 mon-fri 8-6

They will investigate it if you report him. If they catch him he will be punished, prosecuted most likely.

Claim maintenance here - 0800 083 4375 8-8 mon-fri, 9-4 sat.

He can't take ds. If you are very worried about this you need to see a solicitor about getting a residence order.

Stop letting him into your house. Have you spoken to women's aid - 0808 2000 247?

Offred Fri 21-Feb-14 00:07:02

Court will not enforce contact with an abuser.

Cabrinha Fri 21-Feb-14 00:07:31

Please call Women's Aid. Your boy is scared. They can help you understand how to deal with this.

cloud23 Fri 21-Feb-14 00:07:39

eee - thank you. The best time we had was when he walked for three months. It was bliss.
I am aware he is a EA and has huge bad history, but tread on eggshells around him because i cant take more rows and threats.
After seven years i thought we were settled into a routine/relationship thats worked for us all, i dont know to feel angry or relieved?

MerryBuddha Fri 21-Feb-14 00:08:04

Op how old is your DS?

Offred Fri 21-Feb-14 00:08:06

Certainly not one who scares his child and threatens to kidnap him.

They will not make him do overnights or weekends providing you start taking steps to protect yourself and ds. If you haven't done anything like this they will assume there is nothing wrong.

eeetheygrowupsofast Fri 21-Feb-14 00:10:13

Ah mate, you've had a terrible time with this bloke. Of course it was bliss without him around. If you are asking permission to get him away from you and your son, you have it, in spades. Feel relieved! You have your son and you will have your self esteem and your life back x

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