Masturbation etiquette - AIBU?

[WeaselLulu]

I don't know whether IABU or whether to broach any of this with DP.

What I want to say is:
Dear DH,

I know that masturbation is normal, natural & necessary and that it is messier for men than it is for women however I feel that there are some rules/etiquette that needs to be followed.

1. I find it very annoying when I wake up to the bed shuddering and you huffing and puffing. I never know whether to let you know I am awake or just lie there cringing with embarrassment. To be fair, the shuddering has improved since we switched to a memory foam mattress.
   
2. Could you please not use your pants or your socks to wipe yourself and then leave them down the side of the bed?
   
3. Please lock the bathroom door.
   
4. Don't do it in our home office (where there is no lock).
   
5. I find it disturbing to hear you in the bathroom moaning with vigorous rubbing sounds at 6.30 in the morning when I am trying to enjoy my first coffee of the day. The door is NOT sound proof.
   

(and breathe).

I do sound a bit ranty but I needed to get it off my chest. I am very discrete about my own masturbation. I don't like being confronted with evidence of DH's, especially as I don't feel we have frequent enough sex.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Say all of it and add point 6. which is that masturbation is not meant to be a substitute for a loving sex-life. He sounds revolting.

[WeaselLulu]

Cogito, thanks for reading. It does all sound revolting when I reread. we do have sex once a week.

[OhBabyLilyMunster]

The noisy bit has creeped me out sorry. Thats really grim.

[WhereDoAllTheCalculatorsGo]

I don't want to make you feel bad but how is it that you have got to the point where you are embarrassed in your own bed? Can you join in? Be amused? Jokingly miffed because he woke you? Anything to break the ice and stop you cringing.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Join in? What with the sock wiping? .... brr.....

[FlatsInDagenham]

I think that masturbation isn't revolting but it should be entirely private. You definitely need to talk to him, but I would make the language you use seem a little less - well, revolted - because masturbation, as I said, isn't revolting.

You do make it sound like he's doing an awful lot of it though! If it's a daily habit yet he's not having sex with you, that's an issue all on it's own.

[KarenBrockman]

Wow, I have had a lot to put up with when it came to Men, never This.

[WeaselLulu]

I am also creeped out & don't know how to raise the issues. He will squirm but maybe I should.

I was worried you would laugh at me & say it was a non issue.

[WeaselLulu]

No, it is not a daily habit! now probably a once/twice a month thing. Not the bed thing now because I find myself staying awake until he has fallen asleep just so that he doesn't do it.

[KarenBrockman]

I would start with presenting him some tissues and a bin, OP.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

For a man that wanks so enthusiastically and overtly I find it hard to believe anything you say will make him squirm. You sound embarrassed, but he seems almost exhibitionist about it with the juddering mattress and animal noises through the bathroom door.

[LEMmingaround]

Dare i ask, shouldn't he have a little beaker at the side of the bed for this sort of thing?

[WeaselLulu]

I really don't think he realises I can hear. I certainly am embarrassed.

I will mention the pants/socks thing because that is just grim; he can sort out his own tissues. I will also tell him about the being woken part because I do want to start going to sleep earlier.

[WeaselLulu]

LEM, I thought the beaker thread was hilarious. I am squirming about this thread.

[Fairylea]

I'm shocked anyone is that noisy when knocking one off! Wow. Yanbu. At all.

I have no idea when or how dh masturbates. I know he does, no big deal I do too and we joke about it but if I could hear him from the bathroom I'd be a bit surprised!

[peacefuleasyfeeling]

Gawd, I'm weeping... Thank you, this is much needed light relief (pardon the pun ).

[morley19]

OMG! You poor thing!

I have to say though, your letter had me in hysterics! I am not laughing at you but just the way it's written and the humour, like the improvement with the memory foam mattress! It reads like a comedy sketch!

Right.... On a serious note the fact that it isn't a comedy sketch and is actually your life... Sorry but yeah a lot of that is really grim! I would NOT want to listen to so eine through the bathroom door. I'd have to say something to him

Good luck! Xx

[Marnieshere]

Ewww YANBU!

Why does he do it in the office? Is it in his job description? This seems strange!

[scarlettsmummy2]

I would be horrified if I woke up to my husband pleasuring himself. He sounds like a teenage boy or a bit weird.

[Fairylea]

As a side note dh used to work with someone who freely admitted they used to wank in the toilets at work (! Grim!).. apparently their wife used to hate them doing it at home. Dh never shook hands with him again. Bluerrgghh.

[EBearhug]

Ew ew ew, how could anybody find the toilets at work at all inducsive to a little personal time of that nature?

[Marnieshere]

That's gross! I hope he didn't work with food...

[EBearhug]

inducive

Nah, still doesn't look right.

Um...

encouraging

[WhereDoAllTheCalculatorsGo]

conducive

[SolidGoldBrass]

Do you think he's sort of wanking 'at' you ie trying to make the point that you need to open your legs a bit more often?
Mind you, you say you're having sex once a week, which doesn't sound like unusually low frequency. How's the relationship otherwise?