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very complicated relationship in crisis

(8 Posts)
ssb25 Thu 20-Feb-14 15:14:23

This is a long story but myself and my partner have been in a relationship for 7 and a half years. He has 4 children from a previous relationship i have one from a previous relationship. It was never plain sailing from the off really as after a few months my partners children came to live with him as mum had started a new relationship. It has had its ups and downs over the years but over the last few years it has been horrific the the 3 girls behaviour went down hill culminating in some horrific behaviour, stealing bullying abuse of others physical and verbal, causing rifts between me and.my partner as i was the one that looked after them the majority of the time. Last yr 2 of them ran off and accused their dad of physical and eventually sexual abuse it absolutely devastated us and obviously completely devastated my partner. We went through all the emotions shocked angry etc.they continued to run away from home once brought back ended up in foster care. They have never shown one ounce of remorse or sorry for their dad and i made it very clear early on that i could no longer deal with them around me so went back to my home. My partner tried to do all he could for the girls but they kept running away and made more accusations including their dad being physically assaulted. He decided to allow them to stay in care as at that time he could do no more. Throughout this time at times of anguish between us i said if they come home i cant be with u but although i said it. It was said out of anguish and heartache and quite understandably my partners behaviour towards me and everyone changed dramatically and things were strained. Christmas was very hard but we got through it but then at the end of jan my partner told me he no longer wanted to he with me anymore. Said i hadnt been nice about his children didnt support him enough that ive caused him added stress and im devastated and shellshocked that he will throw away our lives together its devastating for my son and also the other children not involved he says he wants to concentrate on getting the girls back he is in such a state its as if the last 9 months of lies and torment they have put us through have been completely forgotten and all the damage caused and its like im bearing the brunt and all the blame and am being cast aside. I cannot at the moment except that its over he is adamant this is what he wants now and again he says he misses me shall i just let him go and try and carry on with my life or should i fight. This situation has made me feel so stressed and unwell and i feel old and useless. If anyone has any advice it would be much appreciated.

hellsbellsmelons Thu 20-Feb-14 15:22:33

Wow - that sounds very stressful for you.
To be honest, with what you have described and how he is treating you now, I'd be glad to get away.
Leave and start afresh with your DC.
Life is far too short to live it like this.
Get out, relax and enjoy your life and freedom for a while.

Not brilliant advice but I'm sure some other much more experienced MNers will be along soon.

Gladvent Thu 20-Feb-14 15:25:02

Sounds like its all been very unhappy and stressful.

I would think your DC would be much happier away from the situation so I would be glad to be apart tbh.

Cabrinha Thu 20-Feb-14 15:34:11

I think you need to let him go. Whatever the background, those issues with his girls are so serious that he can't give anything to anyone else right now.
Even if he wanted your support I'd question whether he should be in a relationship - but if he's pushed you away, I think you have no chance.
I'm sorry. It may be harsh and unfair - but his responsibility to the children has to come first.

Quitelikely Thu 20-Feb-14 15:39:11

God if I was you I would run for the hills. These children are very damaged and although he is showing loyalty this is because he loves them unconditionally.

I hope that you can see the light soon. Time is a great healer.

Jan45 Thu 20-Feb-14 15:43:01

It won't get better, I had one stepson and that was bad enough, you can't possibly love his kids the way he does and won't have the same feelings he does about the whole sorry mess, that's normal, you are normal.

Would it be possible for you two to have a relationship without living together, at least until his kids grow up? Would he consider that as an option to staying together?

Certainly you all living under the same roof is only going to cause you the most stress because you are having to deal with kids and their issues that really have nothing to do with you, in my eyes, that's hurting you more than anyone.

ssb25 Thu 20-Feb-14 16:31:15

Thankyou for all your advice i agree with it all. Its just such a very difficult time. All of the kids in question are in their teens now so they have all grown up together. Its a big chunk of my life thats hard to let go of even if alot was negative. I dont know if he will do that and live apart from each other. Its just a very conusing time. Because i feel anxious alot at the moment i dont know if thats not helping me to see rationally but thankyou all for replying so quickly.

sisterofmercy Thu 20-Feb-14 16:36:45

It's sad when you've had a decent long relationship but it just sounds as if he is embarking on a different road and you can't follow because you have your own path.

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