Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Why is saying an ex(s) is an idiot a red flag

(21 Posts)
forevermore Thu 20-Feb-14 14:47:11

I ask because my sisters new partner keeps saying his exs are 'Fing idiots'. I have heard before this being mentioned as a red flag. But if his stories about why they are stack up (says one a cheat one messed him about blah blah blah) then is it still a red flag. And why? I just feel uncomfortable about why he keeps saying this to my sister everytime they talk about their past. She doesn't mention her exes (idiot or not)

Preciousbane Thu 20-Feb-14 14:51:25

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 20-Feb-14 14:58:53

It's a red flag because you have to question his motivation. It's OK to be sad or regretful about a break-up and it's even OK to feel aggrieved at being cheated on or whatever but most people, like your sister, can leave it in the past rather than raking it up in order to get angry about it all over again.

Blame is not a good trait and the type of man that says 'all my exes were fucking idiots'... is blaming them. When your sister dumps him one day she'll be another 'fucking idiot' when he's talking to the next woman. Nice... right?

He seems to enjoy being bitter and angry and personally I find that disturbing in someone. His language is abusive which does him no favours. He sounds like he feels all these exes were out to get him and that's another warning sign to me. Lots wrong with this type of man

ChoccyDigestive82 Thu 20-Feb-14 15:21:28

My current partner doesn't talk much about her exes but when she describes the one that cheated on her she doesn't "slag" the person off or be cruel about them, she also says some of it was her own fault. Taking responsibility and acceptance of the end of a relationship with no hard feelings is definitely a sign of maturirty.

KissesBreakingWave Thu 20-Feb-14 16:03:31

Yeah, with me it goes my fault (but we're friends now twenty years on), my fault, totally and completely her fault and apparently she hasn't changed a bit: I compared notes with one of the subsequent ex-husbands, nobody's fault we're still friends (and she and DP chat regularly, THEY ARE PLOTTING), nobody's fault as she weren't compatible in ways that took a couple of months to discover and, finally entirely her fault the lying underhanded abusive cow and YES I'M STILL ANNOYED*.

*OK, some of it was my fault. But the reason I was off my game wasn't that I was seeing someone else.

lunar1 Thu 20-Feb-14 16:06:34

Because one day he will probably describe your sister in the same way, regardless of the reason for the split.

forevermore Thu 20-Feb-14 16:06:59

Thanks. I always found it an an attractive trait that my DH never said anything abusive about his ex and I found out through other people that he had a lot he could have said. So I agree about not accepting responsibility being a red flag. Oh well. I guess it's up to her to see where this leadsconfused

Meerka Thu 20-Feb-14 16:07:32

If someone is dismissing his previous gfs as 'idiots' then there's a pattern. patterns repeat. As cogito says, how long before your sister also becomes an idiot, in his eyes?

If you've known the guy 6 months and he doesnt diss most of his exes but does call one an idiot, then it's not that bad. But if he calls most of them or all of them idiots ... well now, the one thing they have in common is him.

Also people who categorize others as fucking idiots are just not pleasant to be around.

I'd be a bit wary of taking his word for what went on in the past with them too, if he's as rude as that about them.

JoinYourPlayfellows Thu 20-Feb-14 16:09:30

It's a red flag because either

a - they were idiots, which proves that he is an idiot to keep dating idiots

b - they were not idiots, but he thinks they were, which proves he's an idiot

SaucyJack Thu 20-Feb-14 16:13:07

I think we all have exes that were idiots (or worse) and I don't think talking about them as so if/when asked is a red flag in itself.

I think the problem becomes clear when someone refers to all of their exes in a negative light and/or goes on about them well past the point of necessity. It shows unresolved issues at best, and a refusal to take any responsibility- or outright lying- at worst.

CromeYellow Thu 20-Feb-14 16:39:56

If someone claims that one or two of their exes was crazy, abusive etc... then it's possibly just bad luck, some people are crazy, abusive... If someone claims that all of their exes were crazy, abusive etc.. then it says a lot more about them then it does about their exes.

Dahlen Thu 20-Feb-14 16:43:04

I agree with SaucyJack. It's a red flag depending on how it's done.

Some of us will have a truly awful X and it's not a red flag to come out and say that. However, I also have a lovely X with whom it just didn't work out and for which I take joint responsibility for the failure of the marriage.

My truly awful X, OTOH, would tell you that every X of his is an evil, manipulative bitch.

You need to judge it against how he talks about he deals with and talks about others generally, and women in particular, as well as how he talks about his own mistakes and what he's learned throughout life.

expatinscotland Thu 20-Feb-14 16:43:13

Dump anyone who carries on about his/her ex's pronto. It's the past, this is now. It's a sure sign of being a dick.

meditrina Thu 20-Feb-14 16:51:41

One loony ex is misfortune, and as long as he's not always banging on about the past, then I wouldn't be too concerned (as long as it was still good humoured ottat least temperate IYSWIM).

But all of them loonies? And described in hostile terms? That would concern me - it's a fairly misogynistic attitude and shows little self-awareness. Not great qualities on a potential partner.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 20-Feb-14 16:57:23

BTW... 'red flag' is an early warning signal. Some people use the comparison technique to lure in their next victim. e.g. 'You're lovely, not like that fucking idiot I used to go out with'... 'I feel a connection with you that I never had with my fucking idiot ex'. Is that how it's being dressed up?

forevermore Thu 20-Feb-14 18:43:41

I'm not sure if he's saying 'in comparison to' her. Just generally. She flagged it up because he says it a lot and still looks full of anger when saying it. Last ex was over two years ago he says. But I think he's generally got a problem with women in my opinion. I met him once and he was very vocal about women being players generallyhmm

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 20-Feb-14 19:06:29

Full of anger? It's been two years and he's still dredging this stuff up like some prize fighter psyching himself up for a contest?!! Of course he hates women. Where did your sister find this jerk?

anapitt Thu 20-Feb-14 19:29:26

depends how it's done. to describe your ex as an idiot could be entirely accurate

PoorOldCat Thu 20-Feb-14 19:33:08

I honestly think she should get out of this quickly. It sounds absolutely script for a very abusive scenario.

Sorry - do you think she will listen to you if you say something?

Meerka Thu 20-Feb-14 19:40:43

I think you know the answer to your question yourself ...

forevermore Thu 20-Feb-14 19:52:02

I can be a bit bossy/motherly with my younger sister and I'm trying to change that so just happy she is confiding in me for now IFYSWIM.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now