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Boyfriend of less than a year on dating websites!

(61 Posts)
faeriesandflowers Wed 19-Feb-14 20:12:31

Hi. I'm new here, my friends directed me to you ladies.

I've just found out that my boyfriend is on several dating sites, only one is certainly active, he was last online yesterday sad.

Why is this? Just to look but not touch? For sex talk?? Can you love someone and want to have a future with them when you're talking to other people on the internet, maybe even meeting them? My friends have told me he can't possibly love me or respect me at all but our relationship is fine!

I don't know what steps to take now. I haven't mentioned any of this to him.

faeriesandflowers Thu 20-Feb-14 08:13:02

His ex wife could have been his main woman but he left her. I think he's a really confused person, his mum seemed to think so when I last saw her.

I'm never going to be happy being in a relationship like this, I don't want to share him but I don't want to leave him either hmm he's my first serious relationship.

AttilaTheMeerkat Thu 20-Feb-14 08:22:06

How old are you?.

Re this comment:-
"I'm never going to be happy being in a relationship like this, I don't want to share him but I don't want to leave him either hmm he's my first serious relationship".

You need to think about why you do not want to leave him; is this because you think you have somehow "failed"?. You have people pleaser, rescuer and or saviour tendencies?. Your first serious relationship is nothing short of a disaster area.

Which also brings me back to you. What did you learn about relationships when growing up?.

kentishgirl Thu 20-Feb-14 12:23:36

Hi OP. What a horrible thing to find out.

Even if in his mind this is 'just for fun/I am committed to you' I see this as no different to his going out on his own and chatting up other women. Even if it went no further and was just an ego boost for him, it's being disloyal and sneaky, and behaving inappropriately for someone in a relationship. On-line behaviour is just as important as real life behaviour.

He's 'confused'. Ok, he can be a nice guy and confused about what he wants. but that makes him a grotty boyfriend. He should work out his issues before dragging someone else (you) into them.

If this is your first serious relationship then of course it's hard to deal with something like this for the first time. But it's all a learning process; few of us are with our first boyfriend. You want to learn the right lessons; how to know that you deserve to be treated right, how to get out of a relationship when you are not being treated right. Don't learn the wrong lessons: how to delude yourself into staying in a relationship that will make you miserable.

FolkGirl Thu 20-Feb-14 12:25:31


I kicked my husband out for this. I discovered more stuff afterwards, but I kicked him out for this, and this alone.

I wouldn't even entertain continuning a relationship with someone who did this.

kentishgirl Thu 20-Feb-14 12:26:16

Oh - and I found out I was dating a player after 9 months. Well, he called it being a polyamorist. Which is fine to be, if he'd told me before 9 months, so I had a free choice whether to get involved with him or not.

Dumped him. Had him crying over losing me and saying 'none of my relationships ever work out' boo hoo boo hoo poor old me routine. And I stood there with a raised eyebrow thinking 'no shit, Sherlock' and saw him as totally pathetic. Wasn't a hard break up at all, for me.

Jan45 Thu 20-Feb-14 12:31:44

Not excusing him in the slightest but this is more common than folk give it credit for, difference is you've caught him.

You now know he is not serious about your or committed, he's keeping his options open so there you have it, you certainly aint the love of his life.

If you want to continue with him then fine, that's your call but honestly, you'd be better looking for someone who can actually focus on you and you only, not have one eye looking elsewhere, ok, it's a year, it's not a lifetime, you will get over it easily enough.

FedUpWithJudgementalPeople Thu 20-Feb-14 12:35:08

I agree with everyone else. This guy is a creep and you should dump him asap.

As someone who is single and internet dates, there are an alarming number of men on line who are in relationships but looking for a bit on the side or just some flirting and chat.

However even if it's just some flirting and chat, don't fall into the trap of justifying his behaviour as 'harmless'. He's a creep, and leading single women who are genuinely looking for love a merry dance into the bargain.

If he's doing this a year in, he will always be doing this, or worse. Cut your losses.

wispa45 Thu 20-Feb-14 13:35:56

Hi, I've just joined Mumsnet to reply to you.
The very same thing happened to me … when I was driving and found my ex checking out a profile as he was sitting beside me in the car. I don't know what was worse, the fact he had a profile in the first place or had the blatant disrespect to check it in front of me. I went on to discover 3 other profiles on other sites, all active. He was my first serious relationship (so I thought) since my divorce.
Much and all as I thought I loved him, I loved me more. The break up hurt me a lot at the time, but loosing someone who treats you without respect or appreciation is actually a gain. Not a loss.
Wishing you the strength to do the right thing for you.

nauticant Thu 20-Feb-14 14:20:11

He's doing this because he'd like you to keep house for him and look after his kids while he goes out and fucks other women.

alphabook Thu 20-Feb-14 20:01:48

He is not committed to you. He still wants to know if there is something "better" out there.

Dump him. You deserve someone who wants to be with you and only you.

ThinkFirst Thu 20-Feb-14 20:15:09

He's confused? that's funny! Of course his mum is going to defend him.
You already are sharing him, with the other women he's contacting on dating sites.

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