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Boyfriend of less than a year on dating websites!

(61 Posts)
faeriesandflowers Wed 19-Feb-14 20:12:31

Hi. I'm new here, my friends directed me to you ladies.

I've just found out that my boyfriend is on several dating sites, only one is certainly active, he was last online yesterday sad.

Why is this? Just to look but not touch? For sex talk?? Can you love someone and want to have a future with them when you're talking to other people on the internet, maybe even meeting them? My friends have told me he can't possibly love me or respect me at all but our relationship is fine!

I don't know what steps to take now. I haven't mentioned any of this to him.

KingR0llo Wed 19-Feb-14 21:08:06

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dinnaeknowshitfromclay Wed 19-Feb-14 21:09:11

He is keeping his options open. Unless you want an open relationship albeit one sided, get rid.

faeriesandflowers Wed 19-Feb-14 21:17:16


Fairenuff Wed 19-Feb-14 21:17:50

he is such a nice man and I'm a bit shocked that he'd do this to me

He is not a nice man. A nice man wouldn't cheat on you.

He thinks that what he is doing is ok, as long as you don't know about it. That tells you a lot about how he views you.

bluebell234 Wed 19-Feb-14 21:19:51

he knows you are naïve.

scottishmummy Wed 19-Feb-14 21:27:53

He's a player, at least you've found out before you moved in or had kids
Of course he will try talk you round,he'll probably be v plausible
Only maintain this if you're happy to date a player

tallwivglasses Wed 19-Feb-14 21:45:45

Sweetheart, if you need confirmation of his twatbadger credentials, tell him you've just had a friend on the phone and she's found out her boyfriend's on dating websites. What a bastard, eh? (etc...) See how he reacts...

faeriesandflowers Wed 19-Feb-14 22:07:01

I think I'll sleep on it and see what happens when I see him next.

Thanks for the advice x

scottishmummy Wed 19-Feb-14 22:25:05

Look this doesn't require confrontation or convoluted stories to flush him out
You need to think can I live like this?and given you'll see him again I think you'll patch it up
You already know he's active on dating sites,despite this you'll still see him again.oh dear...

Poppy67 Wed 19-Feb-14 22:34:08

Your relationship is doomed. Walk away now.

scottishmummy Wed 19-Feb-14 22:38:19

Judging by your ambivalent posts,and you'll see him again I guess you don't want to split up
You'll then have to live with the what-ifs and niggling doubts.if he's online is he looking again
Late home/unavailable is he out on date.thats your relationship niggles based on his behaviour

faeriesandflowers Wed 19-Feb-14 22:59:44

I don't want to split, I know I might have too though.

Fairenuff Wed 19-Feb-14 23:04:37

I'm pretty sure he will be able to talk you round.

Let's see if we can predict what he will say.

He doesn't use it anymore
He was just looking 'out of curiosity'
He went on to delete the account and got sidetracked
He was looking 'for a mate'
That was the one and only time he was on it
He will never go on it again
He is not interested in other women
He has not contacted anyone
He has not met up with anyone
He would never cheat on you
You should trust him
You are being jealous over nothing
It's all in your head

How's that for starters?

AskBasil Wed 19-Feb-14 23:05:04

You're just one of a range of options for this bloke.

If you don't mind being one of his options, that's no problem. I wouldn't make him one of your priorities though.

scottishmummy Wed 19-Feb-14 23:05:38

Of course it's hard you've fallen in love,made plans.this is a crushing disappointment
But it is who he us.and you've got to make decision can you live like this
Look at least no kids,don't cohabit,it's not as bad as it could be

expatinscotland Wed 19-Feb-14 23:07:11

You're dating a total player, but you don't want to split.

Yeah, okay then, consider it an open relationship. He does.

Fairenuff Wed 19-Feb-14 23:07:56

Oh, wait, are you dating Spencer Matthews?

sebsmummy1 Wed 19-Feb-14 23:12:36

If you want confirmation of his intentions why not get one if your friends to set up a profile and get chatting to him online. I'm sure you will find out soon enough just how much if a nice bloke he really is.

ThinkFirst Wed 19-Feb-14 23:38:45

Something men do? Not decent men in commited relationships who live and respect their partner.

It's a dating site, people sign up looking for relationships or sex. They don't go looking for friends and they don't go on there to chat about the weather.

Actions speak louder than words and his actions are showing you he has no respect for you and he's either looking to cheat or looking for your replacement.

ThinkFirst Wed 19-Feb-14 23:39:19

Um love not live lol

Fairenuff Wed 19-Feb-14 23:46:36

Or set up a fake profile yourself?

KatieZA23 Thu 20-Feb-14 00:46:56

If his profiles were old, I would say that maybe it's all in the past and he simply didn't take them down. The fact he was online recently is a HUGE red flag. I'm sorry to say it, but you need to leave this relationship right now.

MistressDeeCee Thu 20-Feb-14 01:28:32

OP - this won't go away as you've seen the evidence for yourself. You'll be thinking all sorts soon enough, including 'is he sleeping around'. Just get rid of him - there are plenty of decent men out there with respect for women, you'll find one who doesn't need a harem of women around to feed his ego whilst he fills their heads with lies. He isnt trustworthy. Tell yourself you're worth more than this, save yourself the heartache and say bye bye

beaglesaresweet Thu 20-Feb-14 01:42:04

I just don't get it - he introduced OP to his kids and family and yet he's risking it all, for what? I'm not surprised OP is confused, it doesn't make sense! I this was a long and stale marriage, there could be a chance that he was just flirting with no intention to meet, but he's discussing living together - which should be an exciting time for a couple.
Think, Op, could he be using you for anything? as he obviously is planning a life with you, but you have to ask honestly for what reason (money, or you being a reliable caring partner who looks after him but no real spark there?)

MistressDeeCee Thu 20-Feb-14 04:54:38

Some men have a 'main woman' don't they, thats the one who will be seen by their side, and who theyll present to their family. The others are just 'casuals'. In that way he'll be seen by all to be doing the right thing but secretly, he is not. Flirting and possibly meeting up with other women means he is getting their hopes up, and also not putting across to you who he really is, OP - he is doing a disservice to both you and them. Incidentally, I wonder if he'd have liked it if he'd found out you were on a dating site flirting with other men and possibly arranging meet-ups? I have a mind he wouldnt have. He could be a very 'entitled' man

If this was something you were both into Id say fine - but I doubt it is or you'd have discussed it and there'd be no shock on your part either. You've asked why he is doing this; does the 'why' really matter? You're his GF you sound to be in a serious relationship and he's been hiding the fact he has links with other women from you. Only you know best as to whether you should or could leave him; bottom line is though, if you don't like him being on dating sites and the potential for link-ups with other women then its going to bring disharmony into your relationship if/when you confront him about it. & even if you don't confront him it will be playing on your mind which isnt nice for you at all. Ask yourself honestly if its worth it....

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