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Boyfriend of less than a year on dating websites!

(61 Posts)
faeriesandflowers Wed 19-Feb-14 20:12:31

Hi. I'm new here, my friends directed me to you ladies.

I've just found out that my boyfriend is on several dating sites, only one is certainly active, he was last online yesterday sad.

Why is this? Just to look but not touch? For sex talk?? Can you love someone and want to have a future with them when you're talking to other people on the internet, maybe even meeting them? My friends have told me he can't possibly love me or respect me at all but our relationship is fine!

I don't know what steps to take now. I haven't mentioned any of this to him.

jadorecakesnbiscuits Wed 19-Feb-14 20:16:11

Im really sorry to read this and cant imagine why people behave this way, im not trying to justify it but does he use this frequently or is it the sort of thing he does after an argument or when under stress because he fears commitment? selfish man.

Capitola Wed 19-Feb-14 20:16:40

Well no, of course he doesn't love or respect you.

View it as a lucky escape and move on.

kimlo Wed 19-Feb-14 20:17:23

how did you find out?

sounds like hes keeping his options open sorry

Cabrinha Wed 19-Feb-14 20:31:45

Your relationship is not fine. Sorry to be blunt, but it isn't.
You just didn't know til now that it wasn't.

Who cares if it's looking not touching?
Or sex talk?

Neither of those is acceptable to a woman who values herself.

Don't feel into the trap of thinking that the internet isn't real!

Have YOU been looking on dating sites? No - because your boundary for a relationship says that that's not acceptable. You know your boundaries - so don't compromise them now.

He's shown that he's not committed to you - tell him to do one.

faeriesandflowers Wed 19-Feb-14 20:37:56

He does seem committed. We're talking about moving in together. I've met his children and his family.

I'm really confused by his behaviour.

tallwivglasses Wed 19-Feb-14 20:39:47

Dump. Next!

faeriesandflowers Wed 19-Feb-14 20:39:48

I snooped online after I caught a glimpse of something plenty of fish related over his shoulder when he was on his phone.

NaffOrf Wed 19-Feb-14 20:39:49

There is nothing confusing about his behaviour. He doesn't love or respect you, and if you love and respect yourself you will dump him immediately. It really is that simple.

Please don't undervalue yourself. You don't need 'a man at any cost'.

BeCool Wed 19-Feb-14 20:41:49

This wisdom is often quoted on MN and I'll pass it onto you now:
"When someone shows you who they are, believe them."

faeriesandflowers Wed 19-Feb-14 20:43:27

so this isn't something men do then?

InPursuitOfOblivion Wed 19-Feb-14 20:44:57

My dick head of an ex did this. Had all the excuses; forgot I was on there, just looking for a friend etc. All bullshit. He's hedging his bets is what he's doing. He's thinking 'You'll do for now, but there may be something better round the corner'.

Get rid and find someone new.

rach2713 Wed 19-Feb-14 20:45:13

Not men in a relationship with someone no it's not

NoArmaniNoPunani Wed 19-Feb-14 20:47:39

If you think your relationship is fine then you need to raise your standards. This is not fine

Logg1e Wed 19-Feb-14 20:48:04

Not men in a committed relationship, no. Why would they?

Fairenuff Wed 19-Feb-14 20:49:26

Your friends are right, he does not love or respect you.

Men like this never change, cut him loose now and he can spend all the time he wants on pof.

KingR0llo Wed 19-Feb-14 20:51:35

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

scottishmummy Wed 19-Feb-14 20:52:09

But it's not fine unless you both explicitly agreed to polygamous dating
Did you agree to be non-exclusive?hes still dipping it aboot
So you either put up with him being player or you split up

jennifleurs Wed 19-Feb-14 20:55:29

Agree with others I'm afraid. 2 exes of mine did this. First one was LOs dad and did it when LO was 5 months old. A few people (and mutual friends) told me I was over reacting and jist talking isn't cheating.

But of course, it is. I knew it wasn't right.

Trust your instincts and if something feels wrong (which it obvs does as that's why you've posted) you'll know.

LumpySpacePrincessOhMyGlob Wed 19-Feb-14 20:55:54

Presumably it's not something you would do, right? You wouldn't dream of it. Neither would a man if he was as committed as this one says he is.

Don't write it off as things that blokes do, it's horribly sexist.

In your position I would confront him, then end the relationship.

scottishmummy Wed 19-Feb-14 20:57:45

Only confront if you can handle the fallout and inevitable excuses
Otherwise end it.he'll move on, he already has

faeriesandflowers Wed 19-Feb-14 21:01:05

I'm sorry, I must sound incredibly naive, he is such a nice man and I'm a bit shocked that he'd do this to me, we were friends before we were together!

Logg1e Wed 19-Feb-14 21:04:23

There's no reason to think he can't be nice in lots of ways. He's just not good enough in this aspect.

Capitola Wed 19-Feb-14 21:05:24

Really? No. This isn't something men do.

You need to hold on to your dignity and drastically raise your standards.

kimlo Wed 19-Feb-14 21:05:25

hes not a nice man!

hes lying to you, and hes lying to the women hes talking too. Nice men don't do that.

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