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Friend being threatened by ex ...

(13 Posts)
whatableedingmess Wed 19-Feb-14 16:37:26

About a year ago a married friend of mine had an affair with a married man. I didn't know about it at the time but found out when friend split with her husband after telling him about the affair.

She said she was compelled to tell her husband about it because, allegedly, the man with whom she had the affair was blackmailing her. She alleges that when she ended it he said would tell her husband unless she gave him money. She has also, in recent days, told me that when she ended it this man forced his way into her house and assaulted her.

The friend also contacted the guys wife to tell her about the affair and the alleged blackmail/assault. This man and his wife are still together and now, almost a year later, they are jointly pursuing/harrassing my friend and threatening to sue her for defamation as they say her allegations have spread and damaged his reputation. I don't think they can afford to do this though and its barking mad and I think they they know it because they are also saying that if she doesn't meet with them in order to prepare a written statement in which she retracts the allegations of blackmail which they will then make publicly available they will report her to the relevant authorities for a particular situation she is currently in, which if uncovered, would result in a major problem. Sorry to be vague but I couldn't get the name change thing to work.

We live in a relatively small town and so I asked around about this guy and have found two other people who have had a similar problem with him. They allege that he has stolen, from them, blackmailed them, slandered them and in one case physically assaulted them. The police have been involved, the guy has been arrested, charged but not taken to court due to lack of evidence. Apparently he instigated complaints about the police officers who arrested him once he was released.

The thing is this guy is extremely convincing, charming, erudite, talented, almost too good to be true when you meet him. He puts his own side of events very cogently and so it seems that he is wronged party. Yet, I am thinking this shit follows him around. The other people, my friend included don't have this level of drama in their lives. He seems to court it.

My friend has asked if I will meet him and reason with him but I suspect he is not the sort of person one can reason with. I have advised her also not to meet with them and certainly not to put anything in writing. I have also advised her to just contact the police as if he has previous they will be supportive. However, she is terrified that this will put her in the firing line (this thing he is threatening her with) and doesn't want to draw police attention.

Dear God it's a mess. I could really do with some mumsnet wisdom please.

whatableedingmess Wed 19-Feb-14 16:39:00

Oh. Name change did work. Basically the threat is that he has information that could get my friends grandmother deported <sigh>

Cabrinha Wed 19-Feb-14 17:03:24

You absolutely should not get involved in meeting him - it wouldn't help anyway.

I can see why she doesn't want to involve the police due to her relative being here illegally. Can that be sorted? Presumably relative is elderly so not working illegally? Can they be sponsored?

I wouldn't want to mention the relative to him AT ALL, but if he brings it up directly, it might be useful to be able to throw jargon "retrospective application for permanent leave to remain based on family sponsorship and no recourse to public funds blah blah blah" - basically find out the process and bullshit poker face if necessary. But better to not give him any more evidence.

I think all she can do (if she really can't drop relative in it) is go totally poker face and send one "logging all further contact in order to build harassment case" and then totally ignore him. Definitely no meeting him, no signing anything. Possibly in last communication be clear with him that she will tell police of the assault, even if she's bluffing. If he comes back with "no you won't cos of relative" just ignore it. She's sown the seed. Because he isn't going to want the police involved either.

Although, given he has ASSAULTED her, I'm more in favour of her going straight to the police. I know it's easy for me to say sod grandma and think of her safety, but as an outsider: her relative is here illegally, and of. It's natural to be sympathetic to an individual case of a friend - but she shouldn't be here. This woman's personal safety comes first.

But if she won't report - keep a diary and totally refuse to engage with him.

hellsbellsmelons Wed 19-Feb-14 17:06:41

I think she needs to get some advice from the police.
She should call 101 and tell them everything see what advice they can give her.
It sounds horrible and this man sounds totally vile!
And as he's so 'charming' his wife probably falls for every line he spins her! Poor poor woman.

Lweji Wed 19-Feb-14 17:07:57

Could she safeguard the grandmother (such as sending her to other relatives) or finding alternative accommodation?

I very much doubt immigration will be too interested in one elderly person living in the UK. Unless she was taking 10s of 1000s in benefits or something.
I'm sure they have bigger fries.

Cabrinha Wed 19-Feb-14 17:08:44

She could say "I don't want the police involved and neither do you, or you will face an assault charge". A veiled reference to it without saying anything about the grandmother.
I'm not sure it's a good idea you asking around for the town gossip - but based on what you heard, how has he been with the other person who reported him for assault?
It may be that he moves from one victim to the next, and if she digs in and stays quiet, he'll get bored - or if not bored exactly, pre-occupied with something new.

I really think she needs to look into legalising her relative and going to the police though.

whatableedingmess Wed 19-Feb-14 17:22:19

Thanks for replies. Great advice also.

The grandmother is 87, she doesn't receive any benefits, she is supported by her family who have established businesses in the UK and also do not claim benefits.

I haven't been asking around as such, rather I asked another friend who is very well networked here and he gave me the names of the others, there is information online about one of the alleged blackmail cases. It's pretty much all laid out there. He went head to head with the guy he hit, denied it, his word against mine. He played the wrongly accused, victim of a malicious vendetta card. I suspect he would do the same with my friend.

I am not going to meet with him. I love my friends granny but I do think it might be better to stand up to this man call the police and take the risk that she could be deported.

SolidGoldBrass Wed 19-Feb-14 17:29:45

I think your friend should talk to the police, as well. It's possible that, in the current climate, the police are just gagging to put away a predatory man like this one, and your friend will get a sympathetic hearing.

ANd she shouldn't meet him. She should ignore him and, if anyone else says anything to her, she could perhaps mention just how many allegations of abuse, blackmail and assault there are against this man...

Cabrinha Wed 19-Feb-14 17:34:34

87? Self supporting?
Right - get your friend to speak to an immigration specialist lawyer.
Get accurate advice on whether the Home Office would even bother. And if so, what would be her chances to fight it.
And if there's anything they can do to legalise her - which they should anyway!
It may be that she can stay on repeated holiday visas as long as she leaves the country periodically.
If you speak to a specialist lawyer, it'll be confidential too.

Then - and I still think she shouldn't refer to grandmother directly - she could say "you're having a laugh, because of your threat I've checked it out with an immigration lawyer and due to her age, family support and possibility to appeal on grounds x y z the Home Office wouldn't proceed".

If the lawyer can give her reassurance, she should go to the police.

whatableedingmess Wed 19-Feb-14 17:47:12

Solid I agree with you re reporting to the police. It will take some persuading though.

Cabrinha thanks for your input re immigration. I honestly think this man, is an opportunistic bully with no morals whatsoever. Perhaps we can just scare him off with some jargon and the threat of the assault charge.

wyrdyBird Wed 19-Feb-14 17:52:03

I doubt if he scares. Your friend should not engage with him at all but talk to police.

whatableedingmess Wed 19-Feb-14 18:08:57

yes wyrdy I think he is very bold. He has done some very odd and extreme things to his other victims in order to intimidate them. I really do think the police need to be involved. I just left a message for friend to call me. I will suggest a consult with the solicitor she has used for other immigration matters.

SolidGoldBrass Thu 20-Feb-14 09:21:22

Sooner or later, men like this tend to get what they deserve.

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