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My relationship needs fixing after DC2. Please help :(

(29 Posts)
ElBombero Wed 19-Feb-14 13:43:15

Don't know where to start, my relationship seems non existent after DS was born 5 months ago. We already have a DD and it was nothing like this when she was born.

We don't touch eachother, cuddle, hold, hug, kiss and not had sex since DS was conceived in Dec 2012 sad and we seem to have stopped communicating to any deeper level other than everyday things.

Really do feel like we are just parents living together. I'm so miserable, he thinks it's normal. I need my intimacy & affection back.

It's to the point now I don't feel like I can make the move as I'm scared I'll be rejected.

Feel invisible to hun a lot of the times, he comes in the house after work, showers the kids with affection and I'm lucky if I get a hello never mind an enquiry about our day.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 19-Feb-14 13:49:22

A relationship without affection is like a broken pencil.... pointless. Sex is one thing and plenty of people find sex is difficult to make time for when small children are in the picture. But affection should be what sustains you until sex can happen again. Hand-holding, cuddles, a shared joke etc. It is really neither normal or acceptable for him to ignore you and it's insulting that he takes it for granted that you'll put up with it and stick around for more

I'd suggest counselling but it doesn't sound like he thinks there's a problem. You're already being rejected so it's time to make a stand. Straight answer to a straight question.... e.g. I don't see any future in this relationship if we can't reconnect. What do you propose or should we just give it up as a bad job?

ElBombero Wed 19-Feb-14 13:55:44

Yep totally how I feel. I text him earlier saying we need to talk tonight as we any carry on like this. He replied saying "carry on like what?" Said we had drifted apart massively and we need to look at our relationship. No reply. I know he'll think im selfish, he always says things like "not about you any more el, it's the DC".

Oh and other day after making myself truly miserable on LC diet for 5 weeks I am in my jeans, huge achievement, pointed it out to him and he just nodded n carried on. No well done, no squeeze. Feel so lonely.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 19-Feb-14 14:02:17

Let's explore it being about the DCs. It's horrible for a child to grow up in a home where Mum and Dad show each other zero affection. They may be too small to understand it now but what about when they get older? Watching the coldness turn into resentment and the resentment into sniping.... horrible atmosphere

It isn't selfish to expect a partner to show some affection. He can show it to the DCs so why not you?

gildedcage Wed 19-Feb-14 19:04:43

Marriage is meant to be for is a long time with no small gestures of love and care. What will happen when your children have left home? You have to look after each other now so there will be something left. I always think of my in laws marriage. ..they've been married for over 40years but they are still physically affectionate.

Frankly if he doesn't even say hello when he gets back from work you would be better to get a pet dog.

ElBombero Wed 19-Feb-14 19:23:38

Just hard because we had a really good relationship before I got pregnant, then everything happened. The pregnancy, we bought n sold a house, both started new careers and out DD is 2 (and bloody hard work). Just feel like we reconnect n remember what we were about. hmm

gildedcage Wed 19-Feb-14 19:50:48

Believe my, I had 3 in 4 years, I totally get how hard it is and it changes the dynamic and the way you view each other. I suppose to me though you dh needs to understand that your relationship is pivotal to your children. Its no good making it all about them only to split up in 5 years because mummy resents daddy. Does your husband struggle to view you as something other than a mum now do you think?

ElBombero Wed 19-Feb-14 20:33:57

Probably no chance to have the talk with him tonight confused
DD been to a panto with GP and they let her sleep on the way home for an hour (her nails stopped a long time ago) so she's buzzing about n no sign of settling. hmm

ElBombero Wed 19-Feb-14 20:35:11

And thanks everyone for replying. Interesting point guild, I would hope lot but he may do...

FederationPresidentBarryFife Wed 19-Feb-14 20:46:06

I felt like you a year and a half ago when my children were the same age.

Now, before I say this I do not wish to in any way minimise your feelings but for me now looking back: we were both so tired, so overwhelmed with work pressures/family/money/doing the best for the children that we had no emotional energy at all left for each other.
If I could speak to the me back then I would say: "don't do anything rash, IT WILL GET BETTER"

You say he doesn't acknowledge you but asks after the DC, then you feel lonely etc I COMPLETELY GET THIS. But think about maybe him feeling how you feel, perhaps he does, and honestly: do you have much emotional energy for him? You need a partner, not someone to prop you up. It goes both ways, perhaps you could try SHOWING him what you want, without expecting anything in return. Lots of massages, talking, special dinners. Don't jump to sex, just re-establish intimacy. Watch some comedy - seriously.

Now my youngest is 2 things ate easier and we are cool again, I can even see I was expecting him to solve my tiredness where I had singularly failed to see how I could help him (and I don't mean as a domestic slave - just as a mate) we got drunk more just us and had lots of sex over the summer. Just back to nice. Honestly, I think you'll be OK - 2 small children can be BRUTAL. It's just the two of you at the end of the world, he needs you. He loves you - he just hasn't got the energy to bloody show it!!!!

gildedcage Wed 19-Feb-14 21:02:29

In a way I totally agree with the pp in that he is probably just blind to what you need. I wish you all the best with your talk...and getting the toddler to bed smile

ElBombero Wed 19-Feb-14 21:29:10

Thanks federation, what a fab post. I do think that's the problem. We just need the DS to start sleeping through, have our evenings back and start being a little more thoughtful towards eachother

My days aren't great. I play play play, if one isn't asking for me it's the other, it's so hard and just wish I had a partner who I could just flip on the couch with and he could cuddle me better and tell me I'm doing a good job. We do sit on the couch but he's on sky sports and I'm on here hmm

gildedcage Wed 19-Feb-14 21:31:42

You are doing a good job. It is very hard and it sounds like you should be kind to yourself x

Smartiepants79 Wed 19-Feb-14 21:41:19

I completely agree with federation. A complete lack of emotional energy has been a massive issue for me since I had my second baby. My husband just seemed to get needier and needier! It was like having 3 kids.
We talked about it and I tried to explain that it wasn't really about how felt about him. I was just utterly drained. I'm the kind of person that needs space to recharge so he was really stressing me out! It's also very common.
You're only 5 months in, I would also say please don't do anything rash.
This relationship is for the long haul, a few difficult months will hopefully be nothing more than a small blip.
We are now 14 months since DC 2 and things are improving. I'm getting my Mojo back and all looks good.
It will get better. Stick with it!

JohnFarleysRuskin Wed 19-Feb-14 21:45:17

I'm sorry, I think his behavior towards you is not kind and beyond the usual knackerdness of kids. For one he is pretending there is no problem- in a relationship when one of you has a problem there IS a problem.
Why haven't you had sex for so long? Why haven't you touched or talked? Is he not responding at all?

ElBombero Wed 19-Feb-14 22:10:50

He's never been into sex when pregnant, he was the same with DD, and since DS was born in September I had stitches etc to heal then DH had a vasectomy in jan.

He kisses me good bye in the morning but mainly think that DD ordering him to kiss everyone (inc Barbie and Minnie) bye

No talk I've come into bedroom after finally settling DS and he's asleephmm

ElBombero Wed 19-Feb-14 22:12:31

Thanks smartie

JohnFarleysRuskin Wed 19-Feb-14 22:13:28

Ah ok so the sex thing is on hold for a bit, that's fair enough smile
But why no talking, hand holding, affection? Have you spelled out to him that this has gone and you want it back?

ElBombero Wed 19-Feb-14 22:18:29

Non that was the plan tonight.

He knows a little though, they have been plenty of comments n he'll just be like "El, look at everything that's going on" hmm

JohnFarleysRuskin Wed 19-Feb-14 22:23:04

You do need to tell him how unhappy you are and what your expectations are.

I don't see how 'there's a lot going on' is an excuse for treating you so coldly. Really, you deserve better than this.

ElBombero Wed 19-Feb-14 22:24:51

Thanks john, I will pointing out clearly tomoz

Ginga66 Thu 20-Feb-14 00:56:39

I know how you feel. Also two dcs and ridiculously tired. I try to accept things but I need affection, sex etc so eventually I get upset and he interprets this as angry and is just rude back. Stale mate I guess. If I can make an effort to reach out despite xhaustion he should too. It is all very well saying wait a few years but what sustains you while you wait?

Annakin31 Thu 20-Feb-14 06:32:56

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Annakin31 Thu 20-Feb-14 06:39:12

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nooka Thu 20-Feb-14 06:50:06

I was like your dh when our two were little, we had two close together and like you were fine after no1 and then things really fell apart after no2. I think this is much more common for mothers, because of the emotional effect of pregnancy, birth, breastfeeding etc, but I guess anyone can get overwhelmed and sometimes it is just much easier to shut down.

Not that it ever helps! For us the real problem is that we stopped talking about anything other than the practical and really lost our connection. Looking back I wish that we had both spent more time with other parents (especially dads) so we could understand that what we were experiencing was quite normal, and that we'd talked about our feelings a whole lot more. I wish I'd said to dh that I really couldn't cope with sex but a cuddle would be lovely so long as he promised not to make any moves, and I wish he'd said to me that a cuddle was what he was really after more than anything else.

We did get through it and now we have teens, but made a real mess of far too many years.

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