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how can i help my friend?

(7 Posts)
cakewitch Wed 19-Feb-14 12:54:17

My best friend has been in a relationship for a year, she moved in with him about 6 months ago, they have 4 DC between them. certain things shes said to me over the last few months have rang alarm bells , excessive jealousy, controlling behaviour on his part, not 'allowing' her to do certain things.
Upto today, ive very gently suggested that those behaviours are not the actions of someone in a healthy relationship; but ive always trod carefully in case she thinks im interfering for the wrong reasons.
She rang me this morning and told me everything; and it all points to classic abusive behaviour. Not allowing her to sit in a different room to him, accusing her of cheating, completely unfounded acusations, sending abusive text messages about various 'slights' shes done to upset him, i could go on, but you get the picture.
My lovely fruend is tying herself up in knots trying to please this pathetic manchild, and wondering constantly what shes doing wrong, in the meantime is turning into a frightened Mouse.
I told her, in no uncertain terms today, exactly what i thought, i told her that if she carries on in this relationship it wouldnt get any better; that he was abusive, that she should take her children and go, before it gets worse.
I am very very worried for her. Did i do the right thing by spilling my guts to her like that, and giving my opinion?? what happens next?? How can i help her??

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 19-Feb-14 13:03:01

I think you've done the right thing by being honest. She told you everything presumably because she wanted to know that she was interpreting it correctly... and you confirmed that she was. I don't personally like the term 'manchild' as it suggests an innocence that these abusive men really don't possess. His actions are deliberately designed to erode her confidence.

With any luck she'll take your confirmation and get herself out. However, if she is very crushed by his behaviour or if she's dependent on him in some way, she may be too frightened to act. Does she have a job? Assets? Family?

Farrowandbawl Wed 19-Feb-14 13:04:23

Unless she see's it for herself there's not a lot you can do.

Just try to make sure as much as you can that the kids are not on the receiving end of his behaviour. I'd try to concentrate on them for now, look after them from a distance as it were...she'll be ok one way or another but all you can do is be there for her.

pinkfluffypoodleface Wed 19-Feb-14 15:03:55

Yes you did the right thing.

You can't make her leave though, just keep putting the thought in her head that she can leave if she wants & ask her if she has her own bank account & let her know that she will probably be eligible for tax credits etc so if she does leave she won't be on the streets or financially screwed.

iamtoooldforallofthis Wed 19-Feb-14 19:54:01

you certainly did the right are her friend looking out for her interests. you could not have done anything els and maintained your integrity ....i wish you had been my friend

cakewitch Wed 19-Feb-14 23:18:15

Thankyou for all your kind replies. Im going to show her this thread.

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 20-Feb-14 07:07:58

You could also pass her the number for Womens Aid. 0808 2000 247. She may not need refuge but they can provide a lot of relevant information and be very reassuring.

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