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Ding Dong the Dick has gone

(18 Posts)
mashedpotatohead Wed 19-Feb-14 12:15:08

I posted about a month ago (sorry don't know how to link!) that my husband was leaving for a week trial separation.

I instigated a second week & then started to feel that he would probably never come back & he didn't, his choice. I did take some control, which made me feel better (thanks to mnetters!) but I feel so hollow, sad, lonely & alone. I'm pretty sure that us parting is the right thing to do, I'm just really struggling with my feelings.

I think I read on here to expect a year of roller coaster emotions. For me its those blasted lovely memories that keep pulling me back. I woke up at 2am last night playing out our wedding dance in my head! Then couldn't sleep.

We have two DS 7 & 4. We were married 8yrs, together 20yrs. We are in contact & he is seeing the boys 3/4 times a week. I'm getting to the gym & seeing friends. I just feel like I'm going through the motions. I've got great support but it still feels so terribly tragic. Any words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated!

WhateverTrevor83 Wed 19-Feb-14 12:27:55

Well done Mash - hearing the wedding dance etc is probably your brain trying to catch up on everything that's gone on.

Dunno about words of wisdom but if this helps at all I was nearly 8 when my M&D split up. I remember coming down to the kitchen one night because I was thirsty and mum was washing up and sobbing with her back to me. I don't remember much about around that time... but I ran across to her and asked if she was crying because Dad had gone. She said (and I'll never for this) 'No, I'm crying because I let him stay so long'.

There's nothing more lonely than being with the wrong person. Going to the gym and seeing your pals etc - all positive steps. Be kind to yourself and let yourself feel wobbly now and then. It's natural.

Think you're really brave x

WhateverTrevor83 Wed 19-Feb-14 12:28:33

Whoops - never *forget this I meant

AliceinWinterWonderland Wed 19-Feb-14 12:38:11

Same situation here, DCs same age (and boys). It's been 10 months now here. I am still struggling a little with the emotional side of things here and there, mainly due to stress from contact visits, but I know it was the right thing to do. I am sad about the lost "family" as well as the fact that it obviously changes the dynamics of the boys' relationship with their father, but I had to put their well being first (abusive relationship).

It's so easy to look back on the good times and feel a bit wistful. But for me, all it takes is the next contact visit, where STBXH gets arsey, and I remember in a flash why it had to be.

It gets easier as the time goes on, and you see that you can actually deal with anything that comes up. I've been really pushing myself to get out and do things for ME, as well as for the DCs. I'm not looking at all for another relationship, I'm just focusing on making the house "mine" by making changes I like, and doing what I can to make myself feel better (change in eating habits, more activity, and so on).

Keep it up - I know it might not seem like it, but it sounds like you're going great! smile

louby44 Wed 19-Feb-14 12:42:21

I'm right there where you are! It's so bloody tough. I have great DC, great family, fabulous friends. I exercise and have much to be grateful for but it's still so hard.

I split with my exP of 6 years in December, no kids together. He wasn't nice to my 2 DS so it had to end!

I think about him everyday. We did loads together, running, weekends away, going to concerts. He was my best friend. Last year we started walking and I keep having flashbacks of a particular walk we did. It's quite strange.

I miss him very much. But he moved on very quickly (which adds to the hurt) and is now shacked up with his new victim.

Luckliy we never married but I'm still living in our house which is up for sale so am still linked to him financially.


mammadiggingdeep Wed 19-Feb-14 12:42:42

You're doing great.

Best advice is one foot in front of the other. Make yourself happy, treat yourself...a little if what you fancy etc.

Allow yourself the nice memories but remind yourself of the reasons the split is good. Every time the past poos into your head, think of the future...what do you want?

Good luck. You can do this. My expression I said 1000s if time was "I'm not the first to go through this, I won't be the last...I can do it".


mashedpotatohead Wed 19-Feb-14 12:48:13

Thanks so much Whatever. My parents also split when I was 8! My mum left us with my dad but we then witnessed them tear each other apart. I am definitely holding onto issues from the past & desperate not to repeat those mistakes.

You're absolutely right, nothing more lonely than being with the wrong person. I guess I'll just keep embracing the wobbles!!

Minime85 Wed 19-Feb-14 12:52:17

completely with you. had few very hard days few weeks ago as was coming up to eldest dd birthday, first one since separated. looking at photos etc too. like you say op and other sad for that family that has gone. I'm decorating and trying to fill my time whilst DDS are at their dads. all quite amicable between us but I find it hard at times not to get so cross with him.

keep going, I do feel even with bad days all four of us, me, exh and our dds are in better places now than 7 months ago.

mashedpotatohead Wed 19-Feb-14 13:01:32

Aww thank you all...I am so grateful for your kind words

Alice - Well done you, there is hope for me! My bubble does burst when I see exh as he usually says something arsey or irritates me! Funnily enough I have started to swop things around at home too.

Louby - Another survivor, well done! I expect I will see exh move on quickly (if he hasnt already) I like the term 'new victim' though haha!

Mamma - Brilliant advice & again well done you! You are so right I'm not the first, I can do it! I love the pooing in your head business! That is how I'm going to think of it now.

mashedpotatohead Wed 19-Feb-14 13:06:52

Minime - thank you for giving me hope. You sound like you're doing a fantastic job! I totally hear you about occasions, they're going to be really hard. I have to agree we're also in a better place than a month ago.

WhateverTrevor83 Wed 19-Feb-14 13:37:34

Have you got an iphone/ipod - play 'Here I go again on my own'... I used to play it in my car full blast and I f'ing loved it. I sound like a nutter but it's sooooo good.

angel1976 Wed 19-Feb-14 13:56:45

mashedpotatohead Hugs to you! In my experience, the first 6 months were the worst. I spent the first 2-4 weeks not eating and crying every single day AND I mean every single day. I burst into tears at every opportunity.

Once I got over that phase, I made sure I was NEVER at home when my DCs were at my XH's. Which meant meeting up with old friends, going to gig, plays etc and I took up running again. I didn't cook one meal for myself, if I weren't cooking for my DCs, I went out for dinner. I treated myself very kindly in those days and tried not to worry about money! I also went to my GP and asked for a referral to a therapist and I saw him for a good 6 months. I also arranged for myself to have some life-coaching sessions.

I then went home to see my family with my DCs for 5 weeks over summer (XH moved out in April) and that was a real turning point for me. To see how much my immediate family cared for me and I didn't feel that alone after that.

I came home from that holiday feeling somewhat a brighter and happier version of my old self. I didn't think I will meet anyone again. I told my therapist at the time how could I be with someone else when whenever I try to picture myself with someone, it was always XH!

Anyway, the very unexpected happened and I got asked out by someone. I didn't think it would be anything as he was very different from XH (come to think of it, that wasn't a bad thing!). But something clicked on that first date and since then, we are very much in love. Who knows if it will last but if anything, I can now see that the future might not be one I envisioned for myself and of course, it is that more complicated but it can also be richer and filled with more love than ever! Not to say there aren't any low points, XH had a go at my parenting the other night which made me so angry! And sometimes I think of THAT future I thought I had and now never will...

But hey, what is life if not full of changes?!!! Good luck, take it real easy and be very kind to yourself. Hugs to you!

mashedpotatohead Wed 19-Feb-14 14:07:59

Awww Angel big hugs to you too. How inspiring! I am having counselling which is really helping me understand me! Otherwise, I would be at risk of persuading exh to come back & that would be so wrong.

I am excited about doing exactly what I want to do. I made far too many compromises for him. I'm starting to realise that this split could actually be my time to blossom!

mashedpotatohead Wed 19-Feb-14 14:10:26

Whatever that is hilarious! I def need to do that! haha

angel1976 Wed 19-Feb-14 14:16:41

mashedpotatohead That is the right attitude. You go girl! I was completely downtrodden by the time XH left, don't get me wrong, he wasn't abusive in any way but his work was always more important than the rest of us. I didn't have a life as such, I had a PT job and two small children to look after and did everything around the house. XH did nothing! If I made any plans, my plans had to go if some work thing came up (which inevitably they always did!).

Since XH left, I have had so much more of a life. In the last 10 months, I have done so much more (and things I wanted to do! Hip hip hurray!) than I did in the last 5 years. And I have loved every minute of it. Of course sometimes it made me sad that my marriage had to end for me to have this 'awakening' but hey, I didn't choose to walk out of my marriage... So I'm only making the best out of the situation... You will have dark days so you need lots of bright and happy days to make up for those! grin

WhateverTrevor83 Wed 19-Feb-14 15:33:00

Someone at the traffic lights was laughing at me and pointing. Haha.
So I stopped. But it's such a good song in situations like this!
Better than I Will Sur-fucking-vive anyway! grin

LyndaCartersBigPants Wed 19-Feb-14 15:40:23

Read the thread "I did this before but let's do it again today" in relationships. It's about all the things people have achieved since splitting from their exes and it's very inspirational.

mashedpotatohead Thu 20-Feb-14 08:52:13

Aww angel, I could have written your post...ditto! You have given me great hope knowing you are a few months on from me & much happier for it. I suppose you just have to roll with the good & bad eh.

Whatever - my toes are curling for you but that's still making me laugh out loud!

Lynda - thank you, thats just what I needed to read. Drinking beef though?!!! Must try it, haha!!!

Thank you all, as ever you have picked me up & given me a much needed boost ;) xxx

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