Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Why is my ex doing this?!

(18 Posts)
BigOrange Wed 19-Feb-14 11:39:19


Had several million threads about my split with exP. Basically been apart for three months now, initially argued loads, then had a month of getting on really well to the point I thought we would get back together, then he said he didn't want that, I said we couldn't be acting happy families then, since then it's been a combo of arguing and upset.

About a month ago we had yet another row, I suggested meditation but he said no, and that he thought we needed time and space. Fair enough. So we agreed minimal contact. Problem is that only one of us me understood what that actually meant. I had a thread recently asking about this because he was texting me loads, all about DD, and other 'allowed' topics (house/work stuff etc) but stuff that he didn't need to text about, or could wait. He also tried on several occasions to get a reaction from me by saying I was too short and that I was treating him like a c*nt. But I ignored these text and only gave him the relevant info he needed ref DD.

Fast forward to Sunday, we had a conversation about DD, he didn't agree with my opinion but we had a calm conversation about it. He then sent me a long ranty text calling me inflexible, which I ignored, but he text me about DD that evening and asked why I hadn't replied. I again didn't rise to it but he kept going and going and in the end I snapped and retaliated. We ended up having a shouting match on the phone and he said some really horrible, and untrue, things about our relationship and split.

I'm annoyed with myself for responding because I'd been doing SO well not to, and I can tell it was bothering him, but I want to ask basically what people think about why this happened? He did the dumping so I firstly don't get why he's so angry with me, secondly why he felt the need to keep going until we rowed, thirdly why he's been so horrible when we did row, and lastly why he won't consider mediation?!

Can anyone give me and opinion please?!

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 19-Feb-14 12:26:09

It's attention-seeking. Whether you're getting on or yelling at each other it's attention. He may have rejected you as a partner but he doesn't like the idea that he doesn't matter to you.... a lot of self-centred people struggle with that one. Picking up on the no contact is really the only solution

FloraSpreadableMacDonald Wed 19-Feb-14 12:55:07

* ....initially argued loads, then had a month of getting on really well to the point I thought we would get back together, then he said he didn't want that, I said we couldn't be acting happy families then*

This bit stood out as it rings true with my ex. I mistook us getting on as him wanting to reconcile. I was hurt when he said no and thought similar to you....that we cant be playing happy families.

However, Im 7 months down the line and playing happy families is what i feel makes our parenting relationship work. My kids are happy and we both make an effort to keep disagreements to a minimum. He is a much better part time dad now than he was full time. We have even all had the odd day or meal out as a family. The kids know we are just friends and everyone seems happy.

FloraSpreadableMacDonald Wed 19-Feb-14 12:55:57

First parahraph meant to be in bold sorry.

FloraSpreadableMacDonald Wed 19-Feb-14 13:02:24

Sorry pressed send too soon!

Im still angry about the way my ex left and i keep remindinding myself about it. But i dont bother letting him know any more. I just know i feel more at ease knowing im not walking on eghshells any more.
My advice to you is dont let him get to you. Hold your head high. My ex wouldnt agree to mediation either but i managed to make it work by just putting my emotions to the side, hard as that is, for my own sanity.
Thinking of you as i know how hard it is. Hope u manage to sort something. For your kids as well as you.

BigOrange Wed 19-Feb-14 17:31:07

Flora how on earth do you manage all of that?! I don't see why he should get to play happy families with me when he walked away from our family unit.

Cog I think you're right, I think it is attention seeking, but it riles me oh so much. Why should he get my attention when he doesn't want to be with me?!

SolidGoldBrass Wed 19-Feb-14 17:35:35

Did he leave you for someone else, OP? He could be one of those men who can't stand to be ignored by women, so he needs to pester them constantly to make sure that they are always thinking about him more than anything else. If he can't get worshipful obedience, he'll settle for upsetting and annoying them.

BigOrange Wed 19-Feb-14 18:15:33

No, he left because I got PND and 'wasn't the same person he fell in love with'.

BitsinTatters Wed 19-Feb-14 18:17:53

You have pnd so he left?

He's an arse. That's the answer to why he's like this. He's an arse.

BigOrange Wed 19-Feb-14 18:51:01

Ha! That's probably hit the nail on the head!

BitsinTatters Wed 19-Feb-14 18:53:41

Don't bite

Don't give him the satisfaction

Forget getting back with him. Any man that can pul that crap is not worth it.

Keep correspondence written and polite.

How old is your Dd?

BigOrange Wed 19-Feb-14 18:58:26

I'm trying my hardest Bits, and I was doing so well until this row, I'm so annoyed with myself for rising to it! She's nearly 8 months.

BitsinTatters Wed 19-Feb-14 19:02:46

Have you agreed contact for her?

BigOrange Wed 19-Feb-14 19:08:42

Yeah, he sees her loads to be honest!

FloraSpreadableMacDonald Wed 19-Feb-14 19:44:03

Mine left for someone else which lasted 3 weeks.
I manage happy families now as my anger has lessened over time. Ive also met someone else and my confidence has increased.
I do remember the early days and i really do understand how you feel. I was so angry too. I keep things in my terms. He understands that.
I really hope u work things out.

AnUnearthlyChild Wed 19-Feb-14 19:46:38

bits and cog. Have it.

BigOrange Wed 19-Feb-14 20:22:25

He doesn't seem to understand the concept of things being on my terms unfortunately. As soon as things don't go his way the toys come out of the pram!

Anniegetyourgun Wed 19-Feb-14 22:11:06

Hey, they're his toys. If he loses them it's not your problem.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: