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Help getting out...

(9 Posts)
lostinspaceparttwo Wed 19-Feb-14 10:11:41

Hi Guys

I cant see a way out of my marriage without ending up with nothing and would be grateful if you could help me.

Posted a while back about my DH on Internet dating sites and trying to find proof,well lets just say I have the proof now that he is on them.

My situtation is I have 3 DC, one with special needs,I work full time on a temporary contract,he works full time too, but neither of us earn much money.

We have a house in his name only as he bought it before we met, but I put 60k of my money into repairs (my old house sale) but now it is in neg equity so even if we sold there would be nothing left over for either of us.I know that the bank would not let me take over the mortgage.We have very little savings and I have no family support.
Is there any hope for me?

malteser17 Wed 19-Feb-14 16:55:12

Hiya,

Firstly big hugs. It sounds like you're going through some really tough times.

Okay so a few questions to ponder - and not necessarily answer on here, you can just think about them:

1. Do you know whether your DH is actively on the sites i.e. arranging dates/having chats or does he just have a profile?
2. How was your relationship before your latest DC arrived?
3. Apart from the internet sites issue, is he a good Dad to your DC? And does he support you in raising them?
4. Do you still love your DH?
5. Have you considered, or do you think your DH would agree to marriage counselling?

If you decide that you want to get out then places like the Citizens Advice Bureau should be able to offer advice on the financial aspects, what you would be entitled to etc. And most solicitors offer a free 1st appointment if you feel you would like to take that step.

Finally, if you have any close friends make sure you confide in them (as long as they are your friends rather than joint friends with you and your DH). You shouldn't be going through this alone and whatever your eventual decision, I'm sure you would appreciate their support.

All the best and I'll be thinking of you xx

Lweji Wed 19-Feb-14 17:00:35

Get legal help and consider renting out your house if it's in negative equity.

Cabrinha Wed 19-Feb-14 17:27:08

You need legal advice. I think it's a Mesher order that allows you to stay in the house whilst the kids are under 18, possibly paying all the mortgage, but with his name still on it.
You definitely don't have to remortgage in your own name for that.
Even without your £60K going in, you're married so the house is a marital asset.

If there's no way to stay in it, well - you start again. You rent, you get whatever assistance you can (benefits, social housing...)
Do not stay with an unfaithful man because of the money / house. There will be a way out of this.

IMO, the above posters Q1 is totally irrelevant. It minimises what he has done, as he may also try to. Setting up a profile on a dating site is bad enough. The betrayal is in that action, not in actual sex.
And whether you love him is immaterial - in fact it's unhelpful as you're more likely to say "but I love him! So I'll stay!"
The important question is DOES HE LOVE YOU.
If he loves you, he wouldn't have hurt you like this.

I'm not saying you can't come back from this. I tried, though it was escort sites not dating sites. It wrecked everything, and he carried on cheating as it happens. But even though other people say they've worked it through... My view is if you don't love him, that's reason not to even try. But if you do love him - take it out of the equation. This is not about your love, your willingness to do counselling, it's his.

Understand how you can leave him (and you can, you can sort the finances) before you even think about working on your marriage. You need to come from a position of strength to do that, and you will not feel emotional strength if you don't feel you can leave on the practical side.

I'm sorry the shit is putting you through this.

SerenaBracken Wed 19-Feb-14 17:52:32

malteser17 Wed 19-Feb-14 16:55:12

Hiya,

Firstly big hugs. It sounds like you're going through some really tough times.

Okay so a few questions to ponder - and not necessarily answer on here, you can just think about them:

1. Do you know whether your DH is actively on the sites i.e. arranging dates/having chats or does he just have a profile?
2. How was your relationship before your latest DC arrived?
3. Apart from the internet sites issue, is he a good Dad to your DC? And does he support you in raising them?
4. Do you still love your DH?
5. Have you considered, or do you think your DH would agree to marriage counselling?

If you decide that you want to get out then places like the Citizens Advice Bureau should be able to offer advice on the financial aspects, what you would be entitled to etc. And most solicitors offer a free 1st appointment if you feel you would like to take that step.

Finally, if you have any close friends make sure you confide in them (as long as they are your friends rather than joint friends with you and your DH). You shouldn't be going through this alone and whatever your eventual decision, I'm sure you would appreciate their support.

All the best and I'll be thinking of you xx

...................
May I ask malteser why you asked those questions?

iamtoooldforallofthis Wed 19-Feb-14 19:50:43

big hugs...that is a horrible situation to be in....

malteser17 Thu 20-Feb-14 10:21:23

SerenaBracken,

I asked them because some relationships can come back from betrayal and it's important to consider all aspects before deciding that it's completely over - and because my DH and I went through Relate a number of years back and found it helpful.

But ultimately it's difficult to judge someone else's relationship and maybe my advice on this occasion was wrong.

lostinspaceparttwo Thu 20-Feb-14 12:05:39

thanks all, I guess I am fairly ready emotionally (not a new thing as I have been living with this for months now ) but not practically yet,but I will get there eventually.xx

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 20-Feb-14 13:05:35

I always think that, regardless of what happens subsequently, it never hurts to understand your legal/financial/practical position in detail. If you know where you are and you know where you want to be you can plan a route, even if it's a tricky one. Bet of luck.

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