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Advice needed on broaching a complicated sex chat.

(9 Posts)
lucyintheskywithdinos Wed 19-Feb-14 09:26:12

I'm dating a lovely lovely man, he is gorgeous, gets on well with my friends, his friends are lovely and we get on so well together I can't really believe it.

However, sex is complicated because of him having medical issues. I can't be any clearer than that because people on here know me IRL.

I know that we just need to talk about it, but I'm more foggy on who should bring it up and if it is me that should, how and when should I do it. I haven't had a relationship before where a talk about sex has been even slightly complicated and I really want the talk to go well, because I really fancy him!

Any advice from people who have been here before?

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 19-Feb-14 09:27:05

What is it you want to say to him?

DragonLiteMyFire Wed 19-Feb-14 09:28:44

Can you name change and repost? You might get more useful replies without betraying his right to privacy that way.

feelingvunerable Wed 19-Feb-14 09:34:35

You need to pick a time when you are both relaxed and not worried about anything else.
I would simply say can I speak to you about something that has been on my mind.
If the relationship is right he won't be offended.
Good luck.

BadSeedsAddict Wed 19-Feb-14 09:42:30

Do it when you are in the car, or otherwise occupied in such a way that there is minimal eye contact -
while washing dishes or something. It's much easier to broach awkward subjects, or get honest answers/reactions, when you are both occupied with your hands or unable to look directly at each other too much. Or, maybe after a couple of glasses of wine - but only a couple!

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 19-Feb-14 10:17:44

If he's having a problem that makes sex less relaxing or desirable at present, you might want to reassure him you'll be understanding. "I miss being intimate but I won't initiate anything until you feel up to it" kind of thing?

Physical acts of love aren't the most important thing in a relationship, but the lack of them does sometimes make us wonder how our partner feels aboutour relationship.

A flare up of a condition might require medication which in turn causes awkward 'unsexy' side-effects. Tell him you will be guided by him and when he feels ready and rested you'll be happy to get intimate again.

If I am trying to broach a sensitive subject with delicacy and tact I hope to catch DH in a good mood. That means after he's eaten and not ten minutes before he's due to go out or expecting a phone call. Eye contact and touch probably start the pre-chat preliminaries on a comfortable note.

You sound like you are willing to be understanding and I think you are wise not to shrink from addressing this early on. Mind-reading isn't something many of us are blessed with. Is he a tactile person, can you give him cuddles and hugs - maybe gentle massage? - and tell him every day that you find him attractive and desirable.

SolidGoldBrass Wed 19-Feb-14 10:42:48

Appreicate you can't share what it is but have you tried googling the condition + forums or support groups? T'internet's useful for that sort of thing as there will be other people in your situation who have partners or want partners, and there are often some fairly easy ways to deal with a situation without hurting anyone'sfeelings or risking any harm.

lucyintheskywithdinos Wed 19-Feb-14 15:36:41

Thank you people! SGB I've had a look and none of the relevant forums are active really. I have had a trawl through their archives and there isn't any specific advice!

I thought about name changing, but I'm pretty sure the situation would make me sound like a troll.

I'm going to go for it on Saturday, we are going to a gallery and he is cooking in the evening. I'll aim for as sensitive as humanly possible, with a disclaimer that I'm finding it tricky to know exactly how best to talk about it.

SolidGoldBrass Wed 19-Feb-14 17:23:09

OK <now insanely curious but never mind). You might also find discussion forums dedicated to 'alternative' sexualities useful. I make no comment on your preferences or his, but people who are into BDSM often know a fair bit about safety specifically WRT sex, and/or sex toys etc that can have useful applications when there is a physical problem.

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