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Need hand holding had a terrible shock

(71 Posts)
YouseewhathappensLarry Wed 19-Feb-14 09:06:16

Can barely type for shaking.
Husband and I have joint mobile phone package , I've had horrible angsty feeling something has been going on but nothing solid , husband and I get on amazingly and supposedly love each other we have kids and are normally a real team.
I looked on itemised bills and saw a number he had been texting a lot, got a horrible feeling and phoned it . A woman answered , he admitted he met her about December and they have been texting since then. That is all he says and she confirms only texts hmm

He cheated on me 4 years ago with a girl he had been texting, I found out and we managed to reconcile and we seemed stronger than ever and have since had 2 little girls.
I'm just broken :-(

scornedwoman67 Wed 19-Feb-14 12:31:36

I am so sorry. I'm sure you will read lots of other threads on here & will know that there is a 'script' that they invariably follow - they minimise what they have done & then you will gradually get drip-fed info as you find out more and more. I was there myself. If I had been armed with the information I have since gleaned from MN I would have handled my own situation completely differently & asked him to leave at the very beginning. I gave him so much leeway and he walked all over me. It doesn't work and unfortunately you know now that he is prepared to keep lying. You must take as much care of yourself as you can. Ask him to leave for a while so you can get your head straight. You will cope - I thought I couldn't either, but you will and you do. Otherwise you will drive yourself mad - I very nearly did. He messed with my head so much and told so many lies it made me ill. You can't control his behaviour but you don't have to accept it or allow it to continue.

Please keep posting on here - the people on here will help you through.


YouseewhathappensLarry Wed 19-Feb-14 13:10:51

He's saying he won't leave, I really have no where else to go, I've told him we can stay in same house today but I'm checked out emotionally and gone to him. We are done and I'm not going to kid on its all right as it's far from it, don't touch me don't speak to me about anything other than the kids.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 19-Feb-14 13:26:05

He can look sad all he wants, you're the one who's hurting.

So sorry OP.

YouseewhathappensLarry Wed 19-Feb-14 13:29:01

Me too I'm devastated

expatinscotland Wed 19-Feb-14 13:32:35

Once a cheater . . .

YouseewhathappensLarry Wed 19-Feb-14 13:33:00

Told his sister just to get it out there and make sure I don't try sweep it under the carpet

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 19-Feb-14 13:39:50

Telling someone else means you don't feel you are carrying this on your own. Did you ever let on to anybody after the last time?

Jan45 Wed 19-Feb-14 13:46:55

Tell as many folk as you want, it will make it real.

YouseewhathappensLarry Wed 19-Feb-14 13:50:56

No Donkey I never told anyone I spent years feeling so alone with it all and couldn't even rant to anyone.

scornedwoman67 Wed 19-Feb-14 13:57:18

I would also tell his sister that you want him to leave and that he is refusing to go. He is probably hoping it will all die down and he can crawl back under his stone. I'd tell him that if he doesn't go willingly immediately you will just start telling people you are separated and that he won't move out. See if you can find a solicitor who can give you half an hours free advice.

There will be other people on here who will be able to tell you what they did in the same situation. Have a look at the 'Wikivorce' website which gives you good, practical advice.

Start copying all your essential documents - bank statements etc. Hide your & your DC's passports and open a separate bank account. Make sure he cannot withdraw large amounts of cash. Just in case.

You are doing well. Be strong flowers

YouseewhathappensLarry Wed 19-Feb-14 14:49:44

We have separate accounts so don't worry, I earn my own money. I do actually feel sorry for him what's that all about?

captainmummy Wed 19-Feb-14 14:50:19

Op you are so strong! Many many women don't tell anyone, they are'ashamed'( of what their oh have done! Ridiculous ) well done you. With a bit of luck HE will now start to Feel ashamed! So he should.

YouseewhathappensLarry Wed 19-Feb-14 14:52:10

I do feel so ashamed I'm so worried to tell anyone as I can't take it back, I just want it all to go away.
I told him he is complete scum and he's free to go and stick his dick in a different woman every night as far as I'm concerned .

JoinYourPlayfellows Wed 19-Feb-14 14:52:23

I do actually feel sorry for him what's that all about?

He's playing you like a violin?

You are used to accepting that his feelings are more important than his own?

There is really no reason to feel sorry for him because he's feeling all hard done by that he got caught cheating on you again.

YouseewhathappensLarry Wed 19-Feb-14 14:57:54

I told him to save his pity party and he's only sorry he got caught. I can't believe this is my life .

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 19-Feb-14 14:59:42

Telling a third party is a big step. It is complicated, you worry if things get sorted, others will remember and harp on, long after it's been resolved. There's embarrassment and shame and sometimes an underlying fear, what if it was something you didn't provide that made him go looking. When all the time it is just as likely to be a large dollop of self-indulgence - "I have all this but want more/fancy some fun/whatever justifies it in my head". But somehow it seems a good thing to keep it under wraps. Unless it happens again and you find out, in which case you realise he didn't take your upset or even wrath seriously back then.

YouseewhathappensLarry Wed 19-Feb-14 15:04:29

Exactly Donkeys I love him but I'm not letting someone make a fool out of me.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 19-Feb-14 15:12:39

Last time you gave him a chance and it seemed to be a bump in the road but you got through it, you had your DDs and life seemed good. Now he's messed up again. I don't think with a sick mum and three DCs you have the energy to combat this will-he-won't-he-trample-over-your-life edginess for the foreseeable future.

Loveyouthree Wed 19-Feb-14 15:15:50


Feel for you OP. It hurts because when someone cheats its not like when the relationship has broken down over time... You still have the same feelings for them yet somehow have to deal with what they've done.

You certainly could cope on your own... Its just being able to see that that's the problem. I know its not the same but my partner works awat a lot and during those times I've found I CAN cope on my own, very well in fact (also have a school aged child, a toddler and a baby).

Is nursery "essential"? Could you just do the school runs for a little while (maybe explain to nursery).

I've used many shortcuts to get me through, like skipping baths, or making sandwiches for tea.

Leaving him will seem almost impossible right now, I do get that. But what is your alternative? Picture it now in your head. Is it a happy life?

I know you don't want this.. You want to wake up tomorrow and its all gone. But its him that has caused this.

He's bored of the monotony of family life? I was the other week, so I went for a meal with a friend, and had a pedicure.. I didn't cheat on my partner.

Wishing you well x

YouseewhathappensLarry Wed 19-Feb-14 15:24:05

You've got it in one Donkeys

Jan45 Wed 19-Feb-14 17:05:26

Yes like Donkey says, you've got enough on your plate without wiping away his I've been caught tears, he sounds a complete waste of a man. You don't have to tell everyone but tell your close friends, they will give you support, same with your family, don't feel sorry for him, that's what he wants you to do, he's definitely not more important than you, he's just proved to you yet again what a massive let down he is.

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