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Need hand holding had a terrible shock

(71 Posts)
YouseewhathappensLarry Wed 19-Feb-14 09:06:16

Can barely type for shaking.
Husband and I have joint mobile phone package , I've had horrible angsty feeling something has been going on but nothing solid , husband and I get on amazingly and supposedly love each other we have kids and are normally a real team.
I looked on itemised bills and saw a number he had been texting a lot, got a horrible feeling and phoned it . A woman answered , he admitted he met her about December and they have been texting since then. That is all he says and she confirms only texts hmm

He cheated on me 4 years ago with a girl he had been texting, I found out and we managed to reconcile and we seemed stronger than ever and have since had 2 little girls.
I'm just broken :-(

YouseewhathappensLarry Wed 19-Feb-14 09:33:39

He's back looking very sad I will update once we have spoken, I'm not sure there's anything he can say, I'm worried there is more to find out.

JoinYourPlayfellows Wed 19-Feb-14 09:36:14

You may as well keep a pet lion and try and feed it cucumber. 'But it's never enough! What am I doing wrong? I give as much cucumber as possible, it has a comfortable bed and lots of toys, and yet it still tried to steal meat! What can I do?!'


Weirdly, that makes a lot of sense.

This is who he is.

He's a man who takes women's numbers on work nights out.

He's a man who doesn't throw the number away, but uses to form a relationship with that woman.

He's a man who tells barefaced lies when confronted.

He's a man who's done this before (probably more times than you know about.)

He's a man who will do it again.

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone Wed 19-Feb-14 09:37:04

I don't know what more you need really that will change the essential point of the matter, which is that you now know that he is an unfaithful partner, full stop. There is nothing he can say to change that - only to try and get you to accept it.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 19-Feb-14 09:38:05

Looking sad at getting caught... hmm

Cabrinha Wed 19-Feb-14 09:39:45

Well done for having your radar in good condition and acting on it. What a shit.
I'm sorry sad
Tbh, even if it hadn't yet progressed beyond texts, it's enough - sadly - to show you that his first affair wasn't a one off, this is who he is. But I suspect it for go further. The OW can't be shocked that he's married and at the same time say she thought he was married as he would meet. Those two things don't fit.
I don't condone ever cheating on your partner, but this is not even a case where an intimacy has built up. One just one night out, he's decided it's fine to act single and swap numbers. Arsehole.

I suspect that you'll find your depression a lot easier to manage when you've got through the hardest part of initially separating. Even though you've been happy with him recently, I wouldn't be surprised if there was still a stress from constantly needing to reassure yourself that you are happy, if you see what I mean?
He broke your marriage before - there's always going to be a stress in it, some people stay together successfully, but I don't ever think it can be the same.

Good luck x

feelingvunerable Wed 19-Feb-14 09:50:11

Good post Bruno.

I once heard this analogy.
Imagine you have a beautiful red dress. The dress is perfect , you adore it, but sadly it doesn't fit you and never will. You know this but keep trying to make the dress fit because you want it so much, it never ever will be a comfortable fit.
There are lots of other beautiful dresses, but because you are fixated on the red one you never get the joy of having one that actually fits and suits you.

You h is a shit and you have done nothing wrong.

What type of a married man asks another woman for her phone number?

YouseewhathappensLarry Wed 19-Feb-14 10:34:14

Well allegedly it was just ordinary text messages nothing sexual, he can't explain why he did it but funnily enough all texts are deleted . Doesn't change the fact he's a liar though.
Not sure what I can do I'm pretty trapped massive mortgage I can't afford on my own, need us both here for kids as it's heavy going with school nursery runs, I'm fucked.

JoinYourPlayfellows Wed 19-Feb-14 10:36:30

You're not fucked.

Houses can be sold.

Childcare can be arranged.

Honestly, you are not stuck with this prick.

allegedly it was just ordinary text messages nothing sexual, he can't explain why he did it but funnily enough all texts are deleted .


Yeah, I remember when I was single I used to often give my number to men I met on nights out and then we would send each other texts for no reason at all.

Quitelikely Wed 19-Feb-14 10:44:38

My heart goes out to you it really does. Why don't you take some time out to get your head together. Leave just for one night. Stay with the 1 good friend. It's such a shame that he needs to do this espe I ally after you have given him another chance and you do describe a pretty sound relationship so I guess sometimes you just can't do enough for certain people.

YouseewhathappensLarry Wed 19-Feb-14 10:55:33

I can't leave I have a baby and a toddler and a school child, my 9 year old was crying as he overheard me and I had to lie and say everything was ok.

LilyBlossom14 Wed 19-Feb-14 10:58:17

but you can't stay with him either. I think you need to get checked for stis too

PopiusTartius Wed 19-Feb-14 10:59:41

Then ask him to leave for a few days.
All the practical things CAN be sorted.
Give yourself a few days space to think about what you want the rest of your life to look like.

Only1scoop Wed 19-Feb-14 11:20:10

Op can you ask him to leave for a while....he can still do school runs etc....I just think with everything going on you need some space.

His behaviour is awful, please don't just let it tick along for the sake of your children. It will have awful effects on your emotional wellbeing. You already sound low with all that's going on. Could you ask him to leave?

YouseewhathappensLarry Wed 19-Feb-14 11:35:50

Yeah will ask again, I just don't feel strong enough to cope with kids on my own. His family are all over an hours drive away and we have 3 school runs a day.

YouseewhathappensLarry Wed 19-Feb-14 11:37:32

He's shown me messages it's all pretty boring, she wanted to meet him , he made his excuses. It's all broken though, all the hard work we did to try get strong again, we got married we had 2 more kids but here we are again.

JoinYourPlayfellows Wed 19-Feb-14 11:38:39

I thought the messages were deleted?

How has it come about that he's showing them to you?

YouseewhathappensLarry Wed 19-Feb-14 11:39:42

He said they were but told him I wanted to know everything and the more he withheld just now that was drip fed to me the worse it gets, just awful.

YouseewhathappensLarry Wed 19-Feb-14 11:41:18

He says he loves me but something is wrong with him and texting this person gave him a distraction from our lives. Actually feel like in having a heart attack feel like I can physically cope with this.

JoinYourPlayfellows Wed 19-Feb-14 11:42:48

Oh right, so he was telling more lies.

I guess it comes easy to him.

He's right about one thing, there is something pretty big wrong with him.

But that's not really for you to worry about.

He probably wants you to pity him for his uncontrollable need to be unfaithful to you and tell you lies.

LilyBlossom14 Wed 19-Feb-14 11:56:00

I think he will minimise what has gone on, I would think a lot more than text messages has happened. And there is no excuse for pursuing someone else - I don't care what is wrong with him. So sorry.

Only1scoop Wed 19-Feb-14 12:08:00

The lies again though Op. The text messages are gone ....back again.... I'm sure he probably has selected which ones to delete. All immaterial though really.

He is a liar.

Don't let him play on your vulnerability with his pity card either

I know it would be difficult logistically for a time. Even if he goes for a few days to give you some space....have you got a friend who could help you out?

YouseewhathappensLarry Wed 19-Feb-14 12:08:07

I'm going to throw myself In shower Nd try get some dignity back

FloraSpreadableMacDonald Wed 19-Feb-14 12:10:43

Ive just been through similar and i am 7 months down the line.
I can say to you that you will manage even though you cant see it now. I work, have young children and Ive managed to keep my house by applying for tax credits and seeking money from my ex.
I saw a lawyer who was helpful. Most lawyers will give u your first appt free.
I would also go and get checked for stis, just to put your mind at rest.
Im sorry you are going through this but its an old cliche...time is a great healer....get the ball rolling now. I actually have a better r/ship with my ex now and he is great with kids. Ive even started dating.
There is life after a cheating lying ex. Hugs.

maras2 Wed 19-Feb-14 12:15:03

Try to eat too . Toast , soup or just tea and a biscuit. Can't think of appropriate platitudes without sounding condescending but will virtually hand hold . Mx

Jan45 Wed 19-Feb-14 12:29:44

Ok so now you know you are married to a serial cheater and liar, I'm so sorry this man has hurt you in this way, he sounds an absolute knob of a man.

He has form, he never learned from it. From my experience of my single friends the guys they are texting all the time is for a sexual thrill, nobody is that desperate for a `pal` that they start texting the opposite sex to talk about the weather. There's also the possibility that something happened between them in Dec, neither he or she will admit to that, regardless of you calling her up.

If in your eyes everything was good with the relationship including family life then his behaviour is even more inexcusable, not that chasing other women ever is.

He has to go and give you head space now, there must be a couch he can doss on, let him take the kids off your hands so you can go spend time with your friends and see what you want to do.

I honestly don't think this guy can change.

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