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Anger problem or normal behaviour

(10 Posts)
JJ10HJ12 Wed 19-Feb-14 03:14:42

Hi

Every day without fail my OH shouts at the kids (2 and 4), sometimes even before 7am. OK kids do stuff which is annoying, but I prefer to deal with it calmly most of the time. My OH goes ballistic pretty quickly (from happy to angry in the blink of an eye -- nothing in between) and this has been going on for well over a year. It's maybe a few times a day just an outburst, it's not prolonged.
I've mentioned it a few times but the only response I get is "I'm tired" as neither of us has had a full nights sleep for nearly 4 years. I feel guilty even posting this (toyed with the idea for months), but I need to know whether this is normal or whether professional help is needed. It's having an impact on our relationship as every time I hear shouting I become more distant.

Thanks

kickassangel Wed 19-Feb-14 05:01:57

If he is able to control his anger for other people, eg his boss, he does not have an anger management problem. He is choosing to allow himself to shout at the kids. It is an abuse problem and will escalate

Handywoman Wed 19-Feb-14 07:31:28

'Every time I hear shouting I feel more distant'

This happened to my marriage. He was also pretty unengaged and passive re family life. And miserable. Eventually there was nothing left from me, emotionally, all the love got chipped away. In my case the outbursts were not as frequent so it took ten years.

In my case I gave him an ultimatum but ultimately he couldn't and didn't change. We are getting divorced. I am much happier and so are the kids. Don't know what you should do, OP, have you tried talking about this? Is he a big bloke? Mine was. It was intimidating.

NorksAreMessy Wed 19-Feb-14 07:50:54

This is not normal behaviour.

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 19-Feb-14 07:54:09

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

As this has been going on for well over a year and your youngest is now 2, this particular child has heard his dad shout daily for about half his young life up till now. That's abusive.

What is this man like around other people, my guess is that this is not an anger management problem at all. What is he like towards you and the children at other times of the day?.

Him saying "I'm tired" is no answer or justification at all. You're also tired yet you do not shout at your children daily as he does.

No this is not normal at all and I would seriously now consider whether this relationship has any future in it. Why are you together at all now?.

Logg1e Wed 19-Feb-14 07:54:53

I grew up in a house like this (although it was more my mother than my father). How do your children react with the shouting? My thoughts went to them immediately.

Anyway, in our house and because of my upbringing, shouting in anger is not tolerated.

Lweji Wed 19-Feb-14 08:14:40

I think you'll have to tell him that it's unacceptable and the effect it has on the children.

Regardless of being tired, he must find a way of dealing with the children without the anger and give warnings.
But he should be aware that there will be consequences if he keeps up like that, that he just can't take it out on the weakest people at home.

Offred Wed 19-Feb-14 08:24:12

He is tired? Err... Well yes but so? I bet he doesn't lose his rag like this with his boss (people who have power over him) or with people in shops etc (people who he is trying to get something from)... Just people smaller, vulnerable and dependent that he has complete power over.

He feels he is entitled to behave like this, that's why he does. My dad is angry like this. It is very damaging. I went NC a year ago at 28 and have stopped feeling quite so fucked up and confused about it - took me that long to realise no-one had a right to speak to me like that. Ruined my childhood, led to abusive relationships.

rainbowsmiles Wed 19-Feb-14 08:28:12

No not normal. Now and again, maybe, but 4 times before 730am. What a horrible start to the day for your poor kids.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 19-Feb-14 08:32:49

It's normal behaviour for a bully. Agree 100% with PP that if he can behave reasonably with other people in his life he is choosing to behave badly at home. Very common, sadly. There are some medical reasons for a person showing symptoms of extreme mood swings and, if he cared about his family, he might volunteer to talk to his GP. But he doesn't seem bothered, doesn't acknowledge there's a problem and that, if anything, is even more worrying than the angry outbursts

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