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Where did I go wrong?

(15 Posts)
Allann01 Tue 18-Feb-14 23:46:39

Good evening people. I write as I've been advised by a very good friend of mine, that this site is so good for support. So here is my story.

I've just recently split up with what I thought was my one. I was a single mum to my beautiful son who is 2 next month. I did the whole pregnancy thing and birth and bringing him up on my own. I was lonely and all I want is what everyone else has, love, security, compassion and a family unit for me and my son. September just gone I met a guy who too was a single full time dad off of the Internet.

Things moved very quickly and I soon found myself being a full time mum to his 5 year old daughter who was screaming out to have a mother figure in her life. He found work full time, so me being me helped out with school runs etc and spent 3 at his. We started arguing and at first I took his shit and excepted that it may be me that didn't see things the way he did. The digs at me started such as my cooking, the way I dressed, the way I patented my son, the list is endless. He was a so called kinky mofo as he called himself, but sexual affixiation, or a bag over his head so he couldn't breath, being sucked in a vac pac bag, (yes you have read correctly) a hoover and a vaccume suction bag did it for him. Not to mention the heavy bondage, being wrapped from top to toe in clingfilm then duck taped over, is more than just kinky. O yeah I forgot to mention how he tried strangling me and putting his hand over my mouth when we had sex and getting me to do things I wasn't really comfortable with. I forgot to mention, he also dressed as a woman!

The arguments started getting worse, the insecurities of me cheating on him was getting worse and it was always my fault. How I never respected him, how I never gave him what he wanted or needed. The abuse started getting worse and it then started in front of the kids, and I started to feel drained. He was always picking on my son and shouting and screaming at him. Then one Sunday morning on the 12th Jan he smacked my son when I was meant to be having my 1st lay in, I hear him get off the bog, go into the kids bedroom (they had moved in with me just after Xmas) and I heard him smack my son, silence and then my son scream, I jumped out of bed where he was screaming for me in his cot, got him and looked at the damage he did, all in front of his daughter I might add. The hand print and bruise lasted 5 days.

I stupidly forgave him and after going ballistic at him I asked him to never raise another finger to him again, otherwise he wouldn't live to tell the tail. He didn't like the fact that he couldn't disaplyn my son. The control got worse and I was waking hoping and praying that my son wouldn't cry of a morning in fear that it would cause arguments. He tried stopping contact with my son and his biological fathers weekly visits. I hardly saw family and friends who all hated him. I was told how ill and tired I looked and how I changed. My mum and sister cried all the time I saw them as they saw changes in my son which I couldn't see at the time. I fell pregnant with his child and had a termination as I didn't want to bring his child into this world when he acted so cruelly towards my son. Yes he did the same with his daughter, but never as bad as he acted towards my beautiful baby boy.

It came to ahead after 3 Mondays ago. We had talked 3 days solid about our relationship and on the Monday morning my son woke whinging as he out it and screamed out at the top of his voice SHUT UP. I knew then I could never help this man and that he is never going to change. He was shouting at me and banging doors and calling me the c word in front of my son dad that night and his daughter and I tried so hard to keep it together, that I put my son to bed earlier, so my son dad could go where I was that embarrassed. I told him to f off and to find somewhere else to live as I couldn't take it any more.

I was advised to call the police the next day and 2 days later he got arrested for ABH and domestic and violent abuse. He denied all charges and then said I had hit my son along with other allegations that I did against my son.

So now, I am being investigated by social services, he walks away with no charge and moves less than 7 miles from me. I am waiting to hear if I will get relocated as I can't stay where I am. Just writing this has made me shake uncontrollably and feel sick.

I carry so much guilt around as I allowed my son to be abused mentally, verbally and physically and I didn't see it. I failed him as he could be added to the child protection list. My son shouldn't be on it if I had done my job properly and wasn't blinded or be so desperate to be loved. My son is starting to become my cheeky little monkey again and I am a mixed bag of emotions all wrapped up with guilt. I thought I was a strong level headed person. Now I've been stripped from all of my beliefs, trust and faith in being a mum.

How will I ever trust again and not to make the same mistake. Where did I go wrong?

Offred Tue 18-Feb-14 23:52:52

Are you in touch with women's aid? Are the police offering support?

You don't need to be afraid of social services if you stay away from this man and stay single while you work on yourself and your vulnerabilities. If your son does go on the child protection register it should only be for a short time while SS monitor you to make sure you are protecting him from abuse.

You were preyed on while you were vulnerable by an abuser, you have protected your son by calling the police.

Offred Tue 18-Feb-14 23:55:12

Try not to let it shake your faith in your mothering skills. SS are protecting your son from your ex and as part of that and because abuse is difficult to leave they need to keep an eye on you. They shouldn't have a problem with you if you have left and you stay away.

Offred Tue 18-Feb-14 23:56:57

Do you have injunctions against him? If you are scared you could try the ncdv who will help you keep him away with a non molestation order.

Allann01 Wed 19-Feb-14 00:00:49

S's have written a letter of support for my relocation, which indicates that if they didn't think there was a case, they wouldn't of done that. S's have already interview me and I am just waiting now.

I AM NEVER going back to him. I NEVER want to see him otherwise I will kill him!! As for me being in a relationship, it's just me and my little fella.

Offred Wed 19-Feb-14 00:04:09

Try not to worry then. Make sure you have some proper support. This is not your fault. You've done your best. You will however still need time and support to heal from this.

It sounds awful and although you are focusing very much on ds (which makes you a wonderful mum btw) I think you need to also focus on being kind to yourself and getting some support for you.

DioneTheDiabolist Wed 19-Feb-14 00:06:12

OP as you say, you let your son down because you were so desperate to be loved. That's where you went wrong.

How do you trust again? You need to get some help for yourself. You need to learn about self love, as well as what love is, how to recognize it and how to recognize warning signs of dangerous men. Ask social services if they can get you onto the Freedom Programme.

It will and should take you a long time to trust any man again.

piklepants Wed 19-Feb-14 02:30:11

What a vile man!! Don't beat yourself up op just learned move on. You will never allow anything like this to happen again your little boy has all he needs in you And with love and care he will be fine and I doubt he will remember a thing. How canBut how can they put your son on at risk register and not prosecute the abuser? Wrong.

Takingbackmonday Wed 19-Feb-14 03:22:41

OP, you are strong, you have left, your baby won't remember, just do not make the same mistake again.

talullah57 Wed 19-Feb-14 04:53:06

Just get the hell out. Take your kids and go.

DistanceCall Wed 19-Feb-14 06:17:19

Sorry - your son WILL remember. So be patient with him if he acts up in the future. And be much, much more careful next time you have a relationship.

EirikurNoromaour Wed 19-Feb-14 07:13:27

I'm not trying to be unkind or unsupportive but there is so much to learn from in Your story.
Firstly, you met him less than 6 months ago. In my opinion he should barely have met your son at this point, nor you his daughter. Neither of you should be parenting the other's child.
His dd was crying out for a mother - what made you think that was you? What harm might you both have done to her by introducing a new mother figure then taking it away? This is why you don't introduce new adults to your children in that role until you are damn sure it is going to last.
He started emotionally abusing you very soon into the relationship. This is an important lesson you must learn - you don't have to take anyone's crap. No man has the right to treat you like that and it's not normal in a relationship. You need to work on your self esteem.
The first time he assaulted your son you forgave him. That's the hardest thing to understand. This man you had known for a couple of months assaults your son and you let it go? You owe your son to be far more protective than that.
I wish you the best in the future, please get some counselling.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 19-Feb-14 08:28:05

I agree with a PP that your eagerness for affection and desperation to find love seems to have placed you in the path of an abusive man. The abuse was not your fault, of course, but he will have seen that you were anxious to overlook increasingly serious things in order to keep him in your life and this made you vulnerable. It was a very traumatic experience but you've turned it around since. You're not a bad mother at all.

Where to go from here - again I agree with a PP. Build your self-confidence, embrace independence and find ways to feel truly happy in your skin. Seek counselling for survivors of domestic abuse... the Freedom Programme for example. If you're lonely, make friends but be much more selective about who you let into your life. 'Mistrust' is a defence mechanism that will keep you safe in the world so listen to your misgivings another time rather than brushing them to one side and seeing what you want to see.

I'd also recommend you read this short article on how to spot the early warning signs of abusive people. You might find it useful

Good luck

chateauferret Wed 19-Feb-14 08:36:45

Where did you go wrong? Him being a nasty bastard is his fault, not yours. Twat removal will cure that.

kentishgirl Wed 19-Feb-14 17:13:10

OP, you did stand by and watch as your child was abused. You were also being abused and manipulated. So, I can understand why you feel horribly guilty right now.

I don't usually have any sympathy for parents who do this. Because it seems to often end up in the news with a murdered or terribly abused child and the biological parent going to prison for enabling their child's murder or terrible abuse by a new partner. I don't care about the psychology of abuse/control - I've been in abusive relationship in the past but god help anyone who harmed my child.

BUT - you are different.

You DID see what was going on in time, you opened your eyes, you took action, you called the police, you protected your child. It has only been a few months - not years. You've done the right thing, and a brave thing, and you deserve congratulations for doing this as it is not at all easy.

You are not a bad mum. Your child will be fine.

Where did you go wrong? That slap that left a mark for five days, that should have been the point where you threw him out. If not before. I can see how you can try to explain things and excuse things, but that?

Abusive men prey on vulnerable women - but not exclusively. I think they can do a pretty good number on non-vulnerable women as well, given enough time. You need to think about how you got so caught up with this man that you pushed your own welfare and your mothering instincts to the back of your mind when things started going wrong.

I feel sorry for his little girl. I suspect you did too, and that also played a part in your sticking with him. So part of your reasons were down to compassion for a child, a good thing.

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