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need to get out of a messy situation

(9 Posts)
oursisthefury Tue 18-Feb-14 19:12:50

i am a regular but have nc from this because its such a recognisable situation to anyone who know me irl. This is likely to be long so please bear with me...

A couple of years ago when I was 21 I met a guy online for casual sex, he was in his late 40s so significantly older than me but we got on well. I knew he was married from the start but his wife was aware and also seeing other people.

it worked really well for all of us but it became obvious that their marriage was not a strong one. He'd had an affair years before and she hadn't forgiven him. Instead she told him she wanted to see other men and he agreed to an open marriage.

After a few months she became jealous and asked us to stop because she was worried it was becoming more than sex, which we did but neither of us were interested in a relationship anyway. Then somehow it got around to trying a threesome which I was happy to to do because I've had relationships before and we all got on well.

The one thing that put me off a bit was that for her it was sheer curiosity and she said she wasn't interested in kissing or anything affectionate. I did it anyway. Part way through the first time she kissed me and then asked me to spend the night with both of them.

I don't know how but I completely fell for her and it very quickly became this all consuming thing where we were constantly talking or texting. Sex had very little to do with it at this point I just wanted to spend time with her. Her DH knew we were meeting separately but I wasn't seeing him except when she was there.

I asked her to leave him and stay with me, but she said no because she just couldn't deal with people knowing she was in a relationship with a woman as young as i am and when she got married it was for life. So we carried on as we were for 6 months and then they moved abroad and have been back for one holiday since.

This has been going on for 2.5 years, since she left we have spoken at least by text everyday. The marriage is a lot stronger than it was and is now monogamous and they seem happier. The fact that she and i want very different things has caused some awful rows but I just can't seem to give it up. I KNOW this is a dead end. I told her so 2 days ago and we were both upset, but I've done this before and then I miss her so much I go back and try to be friends. I just can't have a relationship with anyone else because its not her and I'd rather be single. What I need is a way to stay determined not to contact her, whatever happens.

I can't see the wood for the trees to be honest so an outside perspective would be much appreciated

AliceinWinterWonderland Tue 18-Feb-14 19:27:49

Go no contact. Be single. Find someone who is actually available.


TinselTownley Tue 18-Feb-14 19:32:26

Wow.mthis could be my STXH's first marriage were it not for the age discrepancy. That was a hideous sordid mess too. He is just a vain egotistical narcissist who'd poke anything with a hole and she's diagnosed BPD and deeply unsure of her sexuality. They are both attention seeking nightmares who can't be happy unless they're actively screwing up other people's lives.

I knew nothing of the whole sickening tale until well after our relationship had become an emotionally abusive nightmare in its own right (although no indiscriminate sex on my part) and his ex thought it kind to tell me. Certainly played a part in our relationship ending.

If I were you, I'd keep very quiet about this in future. It has the potential to ruin your future relationships too - not because of your sexuality but because it's just not many people's cup of tea. I found it impossible to trust him or understand him from thereon in. In fact, I was revolted. I would have been more so if it involved him/her dragging a 21 year old into their vile little games.

I'd also get yourself checked out for STI's. People like this rarely limit their casual partners. They often pay for sex too. You might get some counselling for why you have so little self respect too.

Good luck.

oursisthefury Tue 18-Feb-14 19:33:36

I realize that that is what I need to do Alice but I still want to talk to her all the time so its difficult

I've memorised her number and email so just deleting them doesn't work. I know I need to stop drinking for I while because then I won't get in touch because I'm drunk.

TinselTownley Tue 18-Feb-14 19:36:57

You're clearly a great source of amusement to these twisted people. Do stop drinking - they are toying with you and would ignore you otherwise.

oursisthefury Tue 18-Feb-14 21:29:35

I realise that the situation I've got myself into looks awful from the outside but I don't feel like I've been taken advantage off. Both of them genuinely care. I don't feel guilty (perhaps I should?) because everyone knew what was going on, had any of this been a secret from either of them then I would feel very guilty.

It wasn't a secret from my close friends or my parents either. of course my parents were horrified

I have been tested for STIs and am all clear. She was using condoms with other people - and I trust that she was.

TinselTownley Tue 18-Feb-14 22:04:40

Funny way to treat someone half your age who you care about.

oursisthefury Tue 18-Feb-14 22:14:06

but they and especially her are caring, they helped me when I needed it and did everything. I'm upset that she went with him but she always told me 'us' wasn't am option so I can't claim to have been led on.

yes things seemed brilliant when we were together and I hoped she would change her mind but she hasn't and now I need to accept that.

Your STBXH sounds awful Tinsel but I genuinely believe this was different

AliceinWinterWonderland Wed 19-Feb-14 08:10:46

I hoped she would change her mind but she hasn't and now I need to accept that.

Read that. Over and Over. Accept it. Go no contact. Yes, possibly easier said than done. But if you really care about her, you'll leave her alone and let her get on with her life.

Stop making excuses.

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