Pregnant and ignored

[babiesmakemecrazy]

Not sure where to post this.
Me and DP have been together for 3 and half years. We started TTC in Sept 2013, in Jan he said maybe we should wait a while longer, we're young, got years yet and I had just lost my job. I agreed even though I wasn't happy about it.
Last night, I told him that I took 3 pregnancy test, 2 were positive and 1 looked negative. I took them because I had days of feeling nauseous and not right. I also said I booked a docs appointment for Wednesday. His reply was 'oh right' and hasn't said anything about it since apart from see what doctor says.
I'm concerned that he s not bothered about it. Hasn't even asked what I feel, am I okay.
Prior to this everything was fine between us.

[MojitoMadness]

It sounds like he's in denial/shock. And is possibly waiting for it to be confirmed by a doctor rather relying on home pregnancy tests. (Although most GPs just take your word for it and work out your EDD from your last period and then refer to the hospital/midwife).

How is your relationship in general? If he's normally caring and attentive I'd give him some space and let him come to terms with it, see how he is after you've seen the doctor tomorrow.

[babiesmakemecrazy]

Yeah I thought it might be denial but it just hurts that he's barely said anything about it. He's talked to me about other things. It's just a shock he's not being supportive.
He's usually caring, all kisses and cuddles sort of relationship. He works a lot and I do all household things. Today has been his day off and he said a few things to me about general things but not any lengthy conversations and he's being quite snappy.

[hillsy27]

He might not want to get his hopes up.

[babiesmakemecrazy]

He's usually very open with his feelings, this is why I'm so confused.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Why are you waiting for him to say something? Why are you tolerating the snappiness? Why can't you start the 'wow.. what if we're actually pregnant?' conversation? ... Come on OP. Start as you mean to go on.

[Cabrinha]

Meant in the nicest possible way, get off the internet and talk to him then!!
You had agreed not to start a family yet, he wanted to wait - and now it sounds like he's going to have a baby afterall.
Being in shock /denial isn't an excuse not to support you, but I can see why he'd be snappy. He's having to deal with an unplanned pregnancy (or planned but before he wanted to wait!) and that's a big thing.
For both of you.
You need to talk to him.

[Bogeyface]

Sounds like he got cold feet about TTC and is now pissed off that the choice has been taken away.

Rather than be wondering what his motives are for being distant (he said he wanted to halt TTC, you are pregnant, that is is reason), you need to find out why he wanted to halt TTC. It could be any number of reasons, some good, some not so good. You may need to do a bit of digging to find out his true feelings if he doesnt want to say anything negative now you are pg.

[babiesmakemecrazy]

I obviously have tried to talk to him but he shrugs it off or doesn't even reply.
I have started with are you excited or how do you feel and he blatantly ignores me.
Yes he decided he didn't want to TTC anymore but that was 5 months after trying and it seems I did probably catch on in that time.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Was the relationship sound when he called time on TTC or were you having problems as a couple?

[Cabrinha]

Does he know that it was probably before?
He wanted to stop TTC and you didn't. I don't know what your contraceptive decisions are, and anyway nothing is 100%. But isn't it quite possible that he could think you got pregnant "deliberately"?
I'm not saying you did, but frankly it occurred to me, so it's probably occurred to him.

If he's unwilling to talk - OK, I'd buy a bit of shock. But it's not OK to literally ignore you as you speak, as you describe.

Very good advice from poster above to understand why he wanted to stop TTC.
Being young is a good reason, and you not having a job could be a bloody good reason.
But you need to make your decision about this pregnancy based on the real state of your relationship.

Do not allow him to treat you badly.

[Cabrinha]

Have you missed a period? Might help you with trying to work out how many weeks you are.

[babiesmakemecrazy]

No problems at all, we were fine.
At the time, I had lost my job so thought he was worried about money but he's always said we'd never worry/argue about money. There had be times before where one of us hadn't worked so it wasn't like something new to get used to.
I think maybe he didn't want to be tied down, stay young and be young.

[babiesmakemecrazy]

Yeah I explained it probably happened before we stopped. It wasn't deliberate and he knows I wouldn't do that.
After stopping TTC our contraception was condoms, as I was waiting for my periods to get to normal after stopping taking the pill.
I just think it can't be that much of a shock, he only decided 5 weeks ago he wasn't ready. This was after a year of discussion and when he said he wanted to try I spent a month making sure so I was in more shock when he suggested stopping.

[babiesmakemecrazy]

Yeah missed a period, 8 days now. Only realsied on day of test I was late, been busy so kind of forgot AF was due.

[Cabrinha]

It's a bit naïve to believe that you'll never worry about money - that's an easier way to be when you aren't responsible for a child!

You're both very young. Plenty of people have children younger than you (my sister did) and are really happy with that. But I do think you're much more likely to have wobbles about being too young and missing out.

This is a massive deal for him to now find out he's expected a baby when he's in the frame of mind of thinking you're not TTC. It's basically an unplanned pregnancy, in terms of emotions if not date of conception! I do think you need to cut him some slack. What you probably see as good luck that it happened before you stopped TTC, he may well see as bad luck.

Like I said - ignoring you to your face is absolutely not on. But him freaking out is.

[Cabrinha]

Of course it can be a shock if you've only decided 5 weeks ago!
It's not like stopping TTC is something you decide but don't mean! And then gradually come round to it.
To actually say to you he wanted to stop, he would likely have been feeling very definite. He made an active decision that he didn't want this life change - and now he's getting it.
He may well be very happy about it in time, but if I were him I'd be feeling very angry (at the world, not you!) right now.
Don't minimise his feelings because it was a recent change of mind.

I'd talk to him again, and if he tried to ignore me, I'd tell him that's not acceptable. If he wants a few days to get his head round it and says he can't cope with you talking about it in that time - well, that's not ideal but I'd understand it. But if he's literally cutting you dead when you speak to him, that is absolutely not on.

Have you told your family yet, for RL support?

[babiesmakemecrazy]

I didnt mean it in a naive way. I meant it because without going into too much detail for the last 3 years we've put money away each month for future things, so theres is money to fall back on.
I understand he'll be shocked and upset as its not what he wanted anymore but its the blatant ignoring me that's pissing me off now. Just literally tried speaking to him about it, nothing. Asks if he wants a brew, I get a reply!

[babiesmakemecrazy]

No haven't told anyone in RL. Probably won't until 12 weeks.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I might have missed it but how young is young?

[Cabrinha]

Well I'd stop bloody making him cups of tea!!!!!!!!!!!
There's no sense in being petty and starting fights of course - but if my boyfriend were ignoring me I wouldn't be running around putting the kettle on for him.

I suppose he may feel there's nothing to say at the moment.

I'm just thinking back to my own BFP... I don't think we talked about it much then either. Not a lot to day. Too early to plan (we'd had miscarriages).

He shouldn't ignore you though, if he wants space from baby chat for whatever reason, he should have the good manners and caring to tell you that nicely.

[Cabrinha]

I know I'm reading a lot between the lines here...
But I'm just imagining one happy person who wants to talk excitedly about the future, who had just had some amazing luck vs one person who just had some of the biggest life changing news you can have, that they had decided they didn't want... Just not in the same frame of mind.

It doesn't sound like you're wanting to talk about fears of coping, for example. You're feeling ready for this, you've got your savings, been together a while, know from experience you can afford to live on one salary...

So I'm just guessing you're coming from totally different places today.

[Bogeyface]

If he isnt talking then I think shock tactics may be in order.

Dont be nice and gentle, say it loud......"Look, do you want this baby or not? Because if you dont then I need to consider my future, this baby and our relationship in light of that. I am not prepared to sit around dealing with this on my own because you refuse to talk to me, so either discuss it with me or I will make my decisions based on the fact that you are not interested in either me or the baby."

[babiesmakemecrazy]

Thanks Bogeyface. Thats exactly what I need to do. I don't see why I need to be gentle with him because he's in shock. So am I. He did make the decision to make a baby then decided he didn't want one. Before he decided to become Mr Indecisive he should of considered me, my body and the baby that came out of his actions!
Instead of waiting til tomorrow I've just been and got a clear blue test which says I am pregnant 5-6 weeks, so he can't use we'll talk tomorrow afterwards as an excuse.

[Cabrinha]

You're coming across badly in that last post.
He's not Mr Indecisive. He decided he wanted a baby, and then he changed his mind. Two clear decisions.
Yes, it's a shock to you as well...
But it's more of a happy surprise than a shock, isn't it?
You didn't want to stop TTC.
But he did.
In what way was he not considering the outcome of his actions?
I really wouldn't go all guns blazing at him.

Look - you've been with him for 3.5 years. You know if he's an arsehole. I presume not. If he's not, then don't start shouting the odds at him.

It's fine to be clear that you will not accept being blanked.
It's not fine to expect him to have his head totally straight within 24 hours of finding out about a life changing event that he thought was off the cards. If you started using condoms 5 weeks ago, and he could easily have thought that you were through a full cycle so there no chance of pregnancy.

[Cabrinha]

I though Clearblue conception indicator tests only went up to 3+ weeks?